Janet Evanovich: Plum Lovin'

"Why didn't you take your purse?" I asked Annie.

"I was just walking down the street for a couple minutes," Annie said. "I had some money and my key in my pocket, and I thought I had my phone, but it must have fallen out of my pocket somewhere. I didn't think I needed anything more than that."

"They brought us to Delvina's summer house on the river," Bernie said. "That was Saturday night. They chained us up, and I went sort of gonzo, and everyone broke out in hives, including me. Then Delvina and his two goons packed up and left. I guess they didn't know what to make of the hives. And then the next morning, Delvina and some other guy showed up and started asking about the necklace, but every time they'd come near us the hives would get worse and pretty soon they couldn't stand it anymore and went away. Good thing we were chained to the bathroom, and the chain was long enough to reach to the refrigerator in the kitchen. They came back this morning and next thing, you rescued us."

"How are my last five cases?" Annie asked. "Are they all going to have a good Valentine's Day? Are they on their way to love everlasting?"

"I don't know about the love everlasting," I said. "But I'm pretty sure they'll all have a good Valentine's Day. Except for Albert Kloughn. Kloughn is last up."

"Oh dear," Annie said, "it's getting late."

"Not to worry. I have a plan." I looked over at Bernie. "You've stopped scratching," I said to him.

"I'm too tired to scratch."

Too bad Bernie was so tired. I wouldn't mind driving him to a couple people I knew and spreading some hives around. For starters, there'd be my ex-husband, Dickie Orr, and my arch-nemesis, Joyce Barnhardt.

"I'm going to take you home to your wife," Diesel said to Bernie. "I'm going to drop you off at the curb, and you're on your own."

"You'll do no such thing," Annie said. "You'll drive us to a drugstore so Bernie can get a Valentine's card and a box of candy. And then we'll all go in and make sure things run smoothly between Bernie and Betty."

Annie had good intentions, but I was starting to think she came from the Planet Ick!

"I heard that," Diesel said to me.

"Did not."

"Did so."

"It was a thought!"

"And?"

"It's almost noon," I said to Annie and Diesel. "You can drop me off at my apartment on your way to Bernie's house in Hamilton Township. I need to check on Bob and get my car. Then I have to see if Lula needs a ride to get her Firebird out of impound. And I want to see how Jeanine and Charlene and Larry Burlew are doing. And last but not least, here's my plan for Kloughn and my sister. I thought I'd tell them I was getting married, and I needed them to be witnesses. I'll tell my parents and my grandmother the same thing. Then everyone will congregate at my parents' house. We'll get a justice of the peace to show up, and at the last minute we'll swap me out for Valerie and Albert Kloughn. I'm afraid if I don't fib to them someone will leak to Kloughn, and he'll be on a plane to Buenos Aires."

"Brilliant," Annie said. "I can facilitate the justice of the peace and the paperwork. I have very good connections for that sort of thing."

Diesel looked down at me. "Who's going to be the bogus groom?"

"It's going to have to be you. You're all I've got today."

"Do I get a conjugal night?"

"Afraid not," I told him.

"We'll see," Diesel said.

"We have a lot to accomplish," Annie said. "We should get moving. We can take my car. We won't all fit in Diesel's Corvette."

I called Valerie as soon as I got back to my apartment. "I'm getting married this afternoon," I said to her. "I want you and Albert to be my witnesses."

"Holy cow," Valerie said. "This is so sudden. Who are you going to marry?"

"Diesel."

Silence.

"Hello?" I said to Valerie.

"Are you sure you want to marry him?"

"Yep. Can you come to the wedding?"

"Sure," Valerie said. "What time?"

"Four o'clock. And I'm going to get married at home."

"Does Mom know?"

"Not yet."

"Oh boy."

"Maybe we shouldn't tell her," I said. "Maybe we should just all show up."

"That sounds like a better way to go," Valerie said. "If you give her four hours, she'll hire caterers and a band and have the house filled with flowers and two hundred people."

"Yeah, but I can count on you and Albert to be there, right?"

"Absolutely. Are you pregnant?"

"Uh, maybe."

"This will be so amazing. We can have our babies together."

"I didn't say for sure."

"I know, and I won't tell anyone. My mouth is zippered shut."

"Thanks, Val."

Bob was in the kitchen, smiling at me.

"Wipe that goofy expression off your face," I said to Bob. "You're not fooling anyone. You ate my couch. There are big holes in all the cushions, and all the insides are coming out."

There was a piece of fiberfill stuck to Bob's lip. I picked it off and dropped it on the floor with all the other big fluffy blobs of fiberfill.

"I hope this works," I said to Bob. "The alternative is stun gun, and I don't think that would look great in Val's wedding album."

I took Bob out for a walk around the block. When he was empty, we drove to the bonds office.

Lula and Connie were huddled together when I walked in.

"Look at this big-ass box of chocolates I got," Lula said, working her way around a lump of caramel. "I got it from my sweetie for Valentine's Day. This here's gonna be the best Valentine's Day ever."

Connie and Lula had the huge red heart sitting on Connie's desk. The top was off and the box was half empty.

"You better get some before they're all gone," Connie said to me. "We decided this was lunch."

"Which sweetie sent this?" I asked Lula.

"The big sweetie," Lula said. "And anyways, I only got one sweetie now. He's my great huge gigantic hunk of burning love. You don't think Ranger will actually kill him, do you?"

"Ranger and Tank are like brothers."

"Yeah, but remember in The Godfather where they offed poor Fredo?"

"Ranger's not going to off Tank."

I suspected Ranger would privately think the whole jail thing was pretty funny.

"What's up today?" Lula wanted to know.

"I'm going to check on Jeanine and Charlene and Larry Burlew. Want to ride along?"

"Hell yeah. I could use some air after eating all this candy. I'm feeling seasick. And what's with that nasty red thing in the middle of your forehead? You keep scratching at it. And you got another one in the middle of your cheek."

I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I had hives! Shit. Double shit.

First stop was the drugstore for salve. Second stop was the DMV. Charlene was behind the counter, looking all smiley-faced. She waved when she saw us, and we cut to the front of the line.

"Excuse us," Lula said to a bunch of grumblers. "We're here doing Cupid patrol. And you need a attitude adjustment or Cupid's gonna pass you by this year."

"I want to thank you again for babysitting," Charlene said.

"No problem. Just wanted to make sure everything was okay."

"Better than okay," Charlene said. "What's on your face?"

"See, now isn't that nice," Lula said on the way out of the building. "Don't that make you feel all warm inside? I told you love was in the air."

Next stop was Larry Burlew's butcher shop.

Burlew was waiting on a customer, so Lula and I stepped to the side. I looked across the street at the coffee shop and saw Jet waving to me. She smiled and gave me a thumbs-up. I thumbs-upped her back.

The customer left, and I stepped forward. "How did the dinner work out?" I asked Burlew.

"It was wonderful. The meat was perfect. And we served it with baby carrots and new potatoes. And then last night we made rack of lamb, and it was sensational."