S. Watson - Second Life

I put the phone back down. I get my computer out of my bag and with shaking hands navigate to the trashcan. The file I deleted the other day is still there, the messages I’d saved. I open a few, as if to check I’m right. He said he lived in Cambridge. No mention of a girlfriend, much less a fiancée.

I decide I should print one out, just in case I need it to persuade Anna, but the printer’s upstairs, in Hugh’s office. I pick up my machine and go up, flicking on the light as I do, barely even registering the paperwork that’s begun to litter the floor since Hugh has had the complaint hanging over him. I select a message and print it out. On paper, it’s solid, irrefutable. ‘There’s no one else I want but you,’ it says. ‘We were made for each other.’

Even so, all it proves is that I’ve been messaging someone called Lukas, and she knows that in any case. I wish I had a photo, one of the two of us, but I don’t. I’ve deleted any I took, too scared that Hugh might find them.

I fold the page anyway and put it in my bag, then check my phone. She hasn’t called, and I know what I have to do. I go back downstairs. Hugh’s in the kitchen, loading the dishwasher.

‘I’m just going out.’

‘Where on earth to?’

I try to sound calm, breezy, even though I feel the opposite. ‘I thought I’d go and meet Anna and Ryan, after all. In the jazz bar.’

‘You’re sure?’

‘Yes. I feel awful, about over-reacting. I want to apologize. Anyway, it might be fun. And Anna’s right. I don’t see her very often.’

He looks puzzled, bemused. For an awful moment I worry he’ll suggest coming with me, but then I remember Connor. ‘I won’t be late. Would you make sure Connor goes to bed?’

‘Of course.’ He picks up another plate.

‘He has school tomorrow.’

‘I know. You go. Enjoy yourself. Will you take the car?’

I know why he’s asking. He wants to make sure I won’t slip up and have a drink. He needn’t worry; I won’t go to Ronnie Scott’s. I can’t risk a confrontation in a noisy club, full of strangers. Instead I’m going to wait outside Anna’s hotel.

‘I will,’ I say. ‘And leave this, will you? I’ll tidy the rest of the dinner things in the morning.’

He nods. ‘Okay.’

I head straight to the hotel. When I arrive I park the car and call Anna again: still no answer; once again it goes straight to voicemail. I slam the steering wheel. I’m going to have to go in.

The lobby is large, impressive, but I barely notice it. I go into the bar and find a deep leather sofa, near the door. Through the glass partition I can see the main entrance. I won’t miss them.

A waiter comes over to ask if I’d like a drink. ‘Mineral water,’ I say, and he nods, as if that’s what he’d been expecting all along. He goes back to the bar and delivers my order with a whisper, a glance over his shoulder towards where I sit.

My drink arrives with a bowl of pretzels. The waiter hesitates for a moment, blocking my view of the entrance, then bends towards me. ‘Waiting for someone?’ he says as he wipes the table before setting my drink down and tidying the snacks and napkins. He’s trying to sound casual, but his question has an edge of disapproval. ‘Yes,’ I say. My voice cracks with nerves. ‘Yes, I am,’ I say more forcefully.

‘Very good.’ I don’t think he believes me. ‘A guest?’

‘Yes. She’s staying here.’ He doesn’t move on. ‘She’s just got engaged. In fact, could I get a bottle of champagne? A surprise, for when she arrives? Two glasses?’

He nods, then stands up. ‘Very good.’ He turns to leave. When I look back into the lobby I see Anna. She must have arrived while I was talking to the waiter. She looks different somehow, sadder and more serious than when she’d left my house an hour or so ago, and it takes me a moment to recognize her. I begin to stand, but she’s already heading into the lift. I could shout out, but the door between us is closed and she’d never hear me. Nevertheless, my heart lifts – for a moment I’m in luck: she’s alone – but then it plummets. I see Lukas just a few steps behind her. I freeze, then watch as he waits to let a couple go ahead of him. By the time I’ve started moving again I can see that I’m going to be too late.

‘Shit.’ The lift doors are about to close, but then Anna sees me, over her fiancé’s shoulder. She stares for a moment, she looks shocked, but before I can even smile the lift doors have closed and she’s out of sight.

I head out of the bar and into the lobby. I run over to the lift, but it’s already ascending. I watch, cursing silently, as it stops on the third, fifth and sixth floors; I have no way of knowing which is theirs, much less what room they’re in. When it begins to come back down again I turn and head back to my seat, scrabbling for my phone, imagining their conversation.

‘I’m sure I saw Julia in the lobby,’ she’ll have said. ‘I wonder what she’s doing here?’

‘No,’ he’ll say. ‘It wasn’t her.’

They’ll get to the room. ‘Come here…’ he’ll say, and he’ll kiss her, undress her, the way he had with me. She’ll feel herself give in to him. Their hands, their mouths, will find each other. His prick will already be stiffening when she begins to undo his trousers.

I push the thought away. I have to stay focussed. My phone is already buzzing when I find it, and I answer it quickly. It’s Anna.

‘Is that you? Downstairs?’

She sounds happy, relaxed, if surprised. I can hear Lukas in the background. It sounds like he’s pouring drinks.

‘Yes.’

‘I thought I saw you when I came in. Is everything all right?’

‘Yes.’ I realize there’s no point in pretending. ‘Actually, no. Listen, I have to see you. I’ve been trying to ring you. I left a message. I’ll explain. Can you come down?’

She sounds hesitant. Intrigued.

‘Why don’t you come up here?’

‘No. No, you come down. Please?’

I think of the printout I’ve brought with me. I don’t want to show it to her, but I might have to. Will she believe me? Surely she’ll have to, but still I’d rather not have to do that to her.

‘Is Hugh with you?’ she says.

‘He’s at home. Please come down. Please let me explain.’

I hear her cover the mouthpiece of her phone, confer with Lukas. It’s obvious what he’ll say. ‘Anna!’ I say. ‘Anna…’

After a few moments she answers. ‘We’ll be down in a couple of minutes.’

‘No!’ I try to control my voice, but still I must sound desperate, panicked. ‘No. It’s better… could you come alone? Please?’

She hesitates. ‘Give me five minutes.’

Even though it’s late, she’s changed into a pair of trousers, a sweater, trainers. The bar is less busy now; the few people there are finishing their nightcaps before heading upstairs. The bottle of champagne on the table in front of me looks out of place. ‘Julia!’ she says, once we’ve kissed. ‘Is everything all right? You sound so worried!’ She lowers her voice. ‘Is everything okay with Hugh?’

‘Yes.’ I look over her shoulder; there’s no one there, just the waiter, collecting glasses, checking the new arrival. We sit.

‘Good. I was worried something had happened. Or, you know, Hugh had found out about that guy .’

She mouths the last two words silently, as if she thinks there are spies everywhere, eager to report back. ‘No, not that,’ I say. ‘Nothing like that.’

‘Good!’ She raises her glass. I nod. Mine is still empty.

‘What is it?’

‘Have you listened to the message I left on your phone?’ She shakes her head.

I can’t speak. I don’t want to tell her. I don’t want to destroy her happiness, even if it is founded on lies. But then I think of all the things Lukas did to me, the things I asked for, and the things I didn’t. I can’t fail her the way, deep down, I know I failed my sister. I can’t let her down, just to save myself from a difficult conversation.