S. Watson - Second Life

‘Darling!’ He hands me a huge bunch of flowers from the worktop, red and green, chrysanthemums and roses. He’s still in his dressing gown. It’s plain, slate grey. ‘Happy birthday!’

I sit down. Connor pushes a card over to me and I open it.

‘That’s lovely!’ It’s a picture of the three of us, printed out from a photo on his computer, glued to some card. On the inside he’s printed ‘Happy Birthday, Mum’. I kiss the top of his head. It smells of shampoo and for a moment I think of him as a little boy and feel a tug of guilt. I’m here, with my family, yet also thinking of later, of my visit to my lover.

I can call him that, now. I turn the word over in my head. Lover . I turn to Hugh.

‘Aren’t you going to be late for work?’

He’s grinning – it almost looks like an effort, as if he’s having to force himself to forget about the case at work; the family weren’t satisfied with the letter and are considering legal action – but Connor is sharing the joke. He hands me his gift.

‘Open this, first. Then we’ll talk.’

I take it; it’s wrapped beautifully. ‘Happy birthday, darling.’

Some part of me knows what it is, even before I’ve opened it.

‘My favourite perfume! Fracas!’

My voice sounds overly enthusiastic, even to me. There’s an edge of insincerity. I hope he doesn’t think I’m ungrateful.

‘I noticed you’d run out.’

‘Yes. Nearly.’

It’s the perfume Lukas hates.

‘And I know it was Kate’s favourite, too.’

I smile. ‘That’s very thoughtful, darling.’

‘Put some on, why don’t you?’

‘I don’t want to waste it.’

‘Please.’ He looks disappointed. For an instant his face is lined with worry, but then he smiles again. ‘You smell so lovely when you wear it.’ He kisses me. ‘Wear it today…’

‘Hugh…’

‘You do still like it?’

‘Yes. I love it.’ I open the box, slide out the bottle. Pleasing one man, not pleasing another. Just a squirt, I think. I can wash it off before I meet Lukas. For a moment I feel his fingers tighten around my wrist. I smile to myself as I spray some behind each ear.

‘That’s not your real present, though.’

‘No?’

‘Dad’s taking you out!’ says Connor. His face lights up with glee. I can see they’ve hatched some plan together.

‘When?’

Hugh speaks. ‘Today. I’ve taken the day off.’

They both look at me, now. Expectant.

‘Great!’ I concentrate on not letting the panic show in my face. ‘What time?’

‘All day,’ says Connor. ‘And I’m going out with Dylan.’

‘Lovely!’ I’m really starting to worry now. I picture Lukas, sitting there, wondering where I am. He’ll think I’ve let him down. He’ll think I’ve lost interest and couldn’t even be bothered to tell him.

I’m not like that, and I don’t want him to think I am.

I think fast. ‘You’ve remembered it’s my therapy today?’

He winces; he had forgotten. ‘I didn’t, no.’ He waits for me to make a suggestion, but I say nothing. ‘It’s not ideal, but could you cancel it? Just this once?’

I feel myself tense, slipping into anger.

‘I don’t want to miss one. Martin thinks we’re making real progress.’

Martin. Is that the name I’ve used before? For a moment I can’t remember.

He looks to Connor, then back to me. I wonder if he’s looking for support, or thinks that we shouldn’t be having this conversation in front of our son.

‘I know—’ he begins.

‘I mean, I’m finally starting to feel better. You know?’

‘Yes. And I’m really glad. Of course I am. But can’t you reschedule?’

Connor puts his spoon down. He’s waiting for me to answer.

‘For later this week?’

No, I think. No, I can’t.

‘He’s pretty busy…’ I think fast. ‘He charges the full amount for cancellations.’

Hugh’s chin tilts downwards. He’s getting annoyed, I can tell. ‘I think we can afford it, darling. And, anyway, I’ve booked something for us. There’s a cancellation fee on that as well.’

‘What’ve you booked?’ I say.

‘It’s a surprise. An all-day thing. I thought we’d get there around eleven.’

‘Let me think.’ I stand up. I feel torn. My husband – my lover. I can’t have both, just like I could never drink and not drink, or both reach for the syringe and leave it alone. I have to choose one or the other.

Unless…

I pick up my phone.

‘I’ll just see if I can move my session earlier,’ I say to Hugh. ‘Then I can meet you at about eleven thirty?’

He begins to protest, but I silence him. ‘I don’t like being unreliable,’ I say. ‘And it’s important to me that I go.’ I’m trying to keep my voice even, reasonable, but I’ve raised it slightly. I smile. ‘I’m sure half an hour won’t make a difference?’ I step out of the room, into the hall and close the door behind me. I press call. A few moments later Lukas answers.

‘Hi,’ I say, and without thinking I add, ‘It’s me. Julia Plummer.’

‘Julia?’ he says. He’s confused; it’s the first time I’ve used my real name. ‘Jayne,’ he says quietly. ‘Is that you?’

I feel a sudden fear. I’m aware Hugh is just a few feet away, on the other side of the door. I try to keep myself calm. With my thumb I turn the volume down on my phone until I’m certain I’m the only one who can hear his replies.

‘Yes, I’m fine,’ I say evenly. I wait a moment, then continue. ‘No, no…’ I laugh. ‘Not at all!’

‘You can’t talk.’

‘That’s right. Anyway, I was just wondering if we could meet an hour earlier today? It’s my birthday and my husband’s taking me out!’

I try to sound enthusiastic, for the sake of Hugh and Connor, yet I can’t. Lukas will think I mean it, that I’m genuinely excited to be seeing my husband rather than him. That would never do.

He’s silent for a moment. I can’t tell if he’s playing the game, or genuinely hasn’t worked out what’s going on.

Finally he speaks. ‘The usual place, but an hour earlier?’

He sounds odd. I’m not sure if it’s disappointment, or anger.

‘Yes, if that’s okay.’

‘That’s great.’ He laughs. ‘For an awful moment I thought you were ringing to cancel.’

‘Not at all,’ I say. ‘I’ll see you then.’

I end the call and go back in to Hugh. ‘There. Sorted.’

‘It was my present,’ I say. ‘From Harvey.’

He doesn’t like it. I can tell.

‘Did he make you wear it?’

‘Not exactly.’

‘Does he make you do many things?’

‘Not like you do.’

He doesn’t smile. He hasn’t relaxed since I arrived a few minutes ago. Something is different.

‘It’s not that bad, is it?’

‘I suppose not.’

I smile. I’m trying to keep it light, make it sound unimportant. Which it is, as far as I’m concerned, at least. I kiss him again.

‘Sorry,’ I say. I try to withdraw from his embrace, but then he kisses me, pushing back against me as he does. It’s urgent, almost violent. His hand goes to my neck and for a moment I wonder if he’ll grip me around the throat, but then he cups the back of my head. He begins to push me towards the bed. ‘Please forgive me,’ I say. Though not real, my fear is somehow addictive. He lets me go, with a tiny shove, then raises his hand, as if to hit me.

‘Don’t punish me,’ I say. ‘Please?’ For a moment he looks genuinely enraged and I flinch and take a step backwards. Kate’s face flashes in front of me, wide-eyed and terrified. I try to fix on what I know: that he never had anything to do with my sister.

‘Don’t—’ I say, but he interrupts.