Boris Akunin - Turkish Gambit

'To Gnatiev himself?' said Sobolev with a shake of his head. 'The cunning old fox must clearly have seen something special in you.'

Zurov shrugged modestly and continued: 'On my very first day in my new post I provoked an international conflict and an exchange of diplomatic notes. Nikolai Pavlovich sent me with a request to the well-known Russophobe and religious hypocrite Hassan Hairulla - he's the top Turkish priest, a bit like the pope of Rome.'

'Sheikh-ul-Islam,' interjected McLaughlin, scribbling in his notebook. 'He's more like the chief procurator of your Synod.'

'That's it,' Zurov agreed with a nod. 'That's what I meant. This Hairulla and I took an immediate dislike to each other. I addressed him with appropriate respect, through the interpreter: "Your Grace, an urgent letter from Adjutant-General Gnatiev." But the rotten dog blinks his eyes and answers me back in French - deliberately, so the dragoman can't moderate what he says: "Now is the hour of prayer. Wait." He squatted down with his face towards Mecca and started repeating over and over: "Oh great and all-powerful Allah, extend Thy favour to Thy faithful servant and let him live to see the vile infidels who are unfit to trample Thy holy earth burning in hell." Very nice indeed. Since when did they start praying to Allah in French? Very well, I think, in that case I can introduce something new into the Orthodox canon. Hairulla turns towards me, feeling very pleased with himself now that he's set the infidel in his place. "Give me the letter from your general’' he says. "Pardonnez-moi, eminence," I reply, "this is the very time set for us Russians to say mass. Won't you pardon me for just a moment." Down I go, bang, on to my knees and start praying in the language of Corneille and Rocambole: "Lord of all blessings, delight thy sinful servant the boyar - that is, the chevalier - Hippolyte, and let him take joy in the sight of the Moslem dogs roasting in the frying pan." In short, I caused complications in Russo-Turkish relations, which were already very far from straightforward. Hairulla refused to take the letter, began swearing loudly in his own language and threw the dragoman and myself out. Well, Nikolai Pavlovich gave me a dressing-down for the sake of appearances, but I thought he seemed quite pleased. He obviously knew who to send to whom on what errand.'

'Smartly done, Turkestan fashion,' said Sobolev approvingly.

'But not very diplomatic,' put in Captain Perepyolkin, gazing at the unduly familiar hussar in disapproval.

'I didn't last too long as a diplomat,' Zurov sighed, adding thoughtfully, 'obviously that's not the way my path lies.'

Erast Petrovich snorted rather loudly.

'There I am walking across the Galat Bridge one day, displaying the Russian uniform and taking a look at the pretty girls. They might wear veils, but the she-devils choose the most transparent fabric they can find, and that just makes the temptation even greater. Suddenly I see this divine creature riding towards me in a carriage, with huge velvet eyes sparkling over the top of her veil.

And sitting beside her is this Abyssinian eunuch, a huge great brute, and behind them another carriage with the servant women. I stopped and bowed - in a dignified manner befitting a diplomat - and then she removed her glove and blew me a kiss' - Zurov pursed up his lips - 'with her little white hand.'

'She removed her glove?' Paladin inquired in his French accent with the air of an expert. 'That is no jest, gentlemen. The Prophet regarded fine, delicate hands as the most seductive part of the female body and categorically forbade noble Moslem women to go without gloves, in order not to subject men's hearts to temptation. And so removing a glove - c'est une grande signe, like a European woman removing . . . But then, I had better refrain from drawing parallels.' He stopped short, with a sideways glance at Varya.

'There now, you see,' put in the hussar. 'After that, how could I possibly offend the lady by ignoring her? I take the shaft horse by the bridle and stop it, because I want to introduce myself. Then that eunuch, the boot-blacked oaf, lashes me smartly across the cheek with his whip. What would you have me do? I pulled out my sword, ran the lout through, wiped my blade on his silk caftan and went home feeling sad at heart. No time for the pretty lady now. I had a feeling things would end badly. And it was prophetic: they turned out very nasty indeed.'

'But why was that?' Lukan asked curiously. 'Was she a pasha's wife?'

'Worse,' sighed Zurov. 'The wife of His Infidel Highness Abdul-Hamid II himself. And of course the eunuch was the sultan's too. Nikolai Pavlovich did the best he could for me. He told the padishah in person: "If my adjutant had accepted a blow with a whip from a slave, I myself would have torn off his shoulder straps for disgracing the name of a Russian officer." But what do they know about the meaning of an officer's uniform? They threw me out, within twenty-four hours. Off to Odessa on a packet boat. It was a good thing the war started soon anyway. When he said goodbye to me, Nikolai Pavlovich told me: "You should thank God, Zurov, that it wasn't the senior wife, but only a 'little lady' - kuchum kadineh."'

'Not k-kuchum, but kuchuk,' Fandorin corrected him, and suddenly blushed, which Varya thought strange.

Zurov whistled: 'Oho! And how do you happen to know?'

Erast Petrovich did not answer, but he looked highly disgruntled.

'Mister Fandorin spent some time as a guest of a Turkish pasha,' Varya declared provocatively.

'And the entire harem took care of you?' the count asked with keen interest. 'Well, tell us about it; don't be such a swine.'

'Not the entire harem, only a kuchuk-hanum’ the titular counsellor mumbled, clearly reluctant to go into the details. 'A really splendid, good-hearted g-girl. And entirely modern. She knows French and English and is fond of Byron. She is interested in medicine.'

This was a new and unexpected side to the secret agent, and one which for some reason was not at all to Varya's liking.

'A modern woman would never agree to live as the fifteenth wife in a harem,' she snapped. 'It is humiliating and altogether barbaric'

'I beg your pardon, mademoiselle, but that remark is not entirely fair,' said Paladin, continuing to roll his Russian r's in the French manner. 'You see, during my years of travelling in the East, I have made quite a serious study of the Moslem way of life.'

'Yes, Charles, yes, do tell us about it,' said McLaughlin. 'I recall your series of essays on the life of the harem. It was quite excellent' - and the Irishman positively beamed at his own magnanimity.

'Any social institution, including polygamy, has to be viewed in its historical context,' Paladin began in a professorial tone, but Zurov pulled such a long face that the Frenchman thought better of it and began speaking like a normal human being. 'Actually, in the conditions of the Orient, the harem is the only means capable of offering a woman a chance of survival. Judge for yourself: from the very beginning Moslems have been a nation of warriors and prophets. Since the men spent their lives waging war, they died and a huge number of women were widowed or were unable to find themselves a husband in the first place. Who was going to feed them and their children? Mohamed had fifteen wives, but not at all because of his excessively voluptuous inclinations. He accepted the responsibility of caring for the widows of his fallen comrades-in-arms, and these women could not even be called his wives in the Western sense. What, after all, is a harem, gentlemen? You imagine the soft murmuring of a fountain, semi-naked odalisques indolently consuming Turkish delight, the tinkling of coin necklaces, the heady aroma of perfume, and the whole scene veiled in a dense haze of debauchery.'