Boris Akunin - Murder on the Leviathan

It was obvious that the commissioner was taking great pleasure in telling this story to the prim and proper Windsorites. A police report was unlikely to contain such details - Gauche was clearly allowing himself to fantasise at will. He lisped when he spoke the countess’s part and deliberately selected words that sounded pompous: he obviously thought that made the story sound funnier. Clarissa did not consider herself an aristocrat, but even she winced at the bad taste of his scoffing at royalty. Sir Reginald, a baronet and the scion of an ancient line, also knitted his brows in a scowl, but this reaction only seemed to inspire the commissioner to greater efforts.

‘His highness, however, did not take offence at his physician in ordinary, because this was a moment of tremendous pathos.

Positively overwhelmed by a rising tide of paternal and conjugal feelings, he went dashing into the bedroom … You can imagine for yourselves the scene that followed: the crowned monarch swearing like a trooper, the grand duchess sobbing and making excuses and swooning by turns, the little negro child bawling his lungs out and the court physician frozen in reverential horror. Eventually his Llighness got a grip on himself and decided to postpone the investigation into her Highness’s behaviour until later. In the meantime the business had to be hushed up. But how? Flush the child down the toilet?’ Gauche put his hand over his mouth, acting the buffoon. ‘I beg your pardon, ladies, it just slipped out. It was impossible to get rid of the child - the entire principality had been eagerly awaiting his birth. In any case, it would have been a sin. If he called his advisers together they might let the cat out of the bag. What was he going to do? And then Dr Vogel coughed deferentially into his hand and suggested a way of saving the situation. He said that he knew a lady by the name of Fraulein von Sanfon who could work miracles and even pluck the phoenix from the sky for the prince if he needed it, let alone find him a newborn white baby. The fraulein knew how to keep her mouth shut, and being a very noble individual she would, of course, not take any money for her services, but she did have a great fondness for old jewels … Anyway, within no more than a couple of hours a line bouncing baby boy, whiter than a little suckling piglet, even with white hair, was reposing on the satin sheets of the cradle and the poor little negro child was taken from the palace. They told her Highness that the innocent child would be transported to southern climes and placed with a good family for upbringing. And so everything was settled as well as could possibly be managed. The grateful duke gave the doctor a monogrammed diamond snuffbox for Fraulein von Sanfon, tope ther with a note of gratitude and an oral request to depart the principality and never return. Which the considerate maiden immediately did.’ Gauche chuckled, unable to restrain himself.

‘The next morning, after a row that had lasted all night, the grand duke finally decided to take a closer look at his new son and heir. He squeamishly lifted the boy out of the cradle and turned him this way and that, and suddenly on his pink little backside - begging your pardon - he saw a birthmark shaped like a heart. His Highness had one exactly like it on his own hindquarters, and so did his grandfather, and so on to the seventh generation. Totally bemused, the duke sent for his physician in ordinary, but Dr Vogel had set out from the castle for parts unknown the previous night, leaving behind his wife and eight children.’ Gauche burst into hoarse laughter, then began coughing and waving his hands in the air. Someone else chuckled uncertainly and Mme Kleber put her hand over her mouth.

‘The investigation that followed soon established that the court doctor had been behaving strangely for some time and had even been seen in the gambling houses of neighbouring Baden, in the company, moreover, of a certain jolly young woman whose description closely matched that of Fraulein von Sanfon.’ The detective put on a more serious expression.

The doctor was found two days later in a hospital in Strasbourg. Dead. He’d taken a fatal dose of laudanum and left a note: “I alone am to blame for everything.” A clear case of suicide. The identity of the true culprit was obvious, but how could you prove it? As for the snuffbox, it was a gift from the grand duke, and there was a note to go with it. It would not have been worth their Highnesses’ while to take the case to court. The greatest mystery, of course, was how they managed to swap the newborn prince for the little negro baby, and where they could have found a chocolate-coloured child in a country of people with blue eyes and blond hair. But then, according to some sources, shortly before the incident described, Marie Sanfon had had a Senegalese maid in her service …’

‘Tell me, Commissioner,’ Fandorin said when the laughter stopped (four people were laughing: Lieutenant Renier, Dr Truffo, Professor Sweetchild and Mme Kleber), ‘is Marie Sanfon so remarkably good-looking that she can turn any man’s head?’

‘No, she is nothing of the kind. It says everywhere that her appearance is perfectly ordinary, with absolutely no distinctive features.’ Gauche cast a lingering, impudent glance in Clarissa’s direction. ‘She changes the colour of her hair, her behaviour, her accent and the way she dresses with the greatest of ease. But evidently there must be something exceptional about this woman. In my line of work I’ve seen all sorts of things. The most devastating heartbreakers are not usually great beauties. If you saw them in a photograph you would never pick them out, but when you meet them you can feel your skin creep. It’s not a straight nose and long eyelashes that a man goes for, it’s a certain special smell.’

‘Oh, Commissioner,’ Clarissa objected at this vulgar comment.

‘There are ladies present.’

‘There are certainly suspects present,’ Gauche parried calmly.

‘And you are one of them. How do I know that Mile Sanfon is not sitting at this very table?’

He fixed his eyes on Clarissa’s face. This was getting more and more like a bad dream. She could hardly catch her breath.

‘If I have c-calculated correctly, then this person should be twenty-nine now?’

Fandorin’s calm, almost indifferent question roused Clarissa to take a grip on herself, and casting female vanity aside, she cried out:

‘There is no point in staring at me like that, monsieur detective!

You are obviously paying me a compliment that I do not deserve. I am almost ten years older than your adventuress! And the other ladies present are hardly suited to the role of Mile Sanfon. Mme Kleber is too young and Mrs Truffo, as you know, does not speak French!’

‘For a woman of Marie Sanfon’s skill it is a very simple trick to add or subtract ten years from her age,’ Gauche replied slowly, staring at Clarissa as intently as ever. ‘Especially if the prize is so great and failure smacks of the guillotine. So have you really never been to Paris, Mile Stamp? Somewhere in the region of the rue de Grenelle, perhaps?’

Clarissa turned deathly pale.

‘At this point I feel obliged to intervene as a representative of the Jasper-Artaud Partnership,’ Renier interrupted irritably.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, I can assure you there is absolutely no way that any swindlers and crooks with an international reputation could have joined our cruise. The company guarantees that there are no card-sharps or loose women on board the Leviathan, let alone adventuresses known to the police. You can understand why. The maiden voyage is a very great responsibility.

A scandal is the very last thing that we need. Captain Cliff and I personally checked and rechecked the passenger lists, and whenever necessary we made inquiries. Including some to the French police, monsieur Commissioner. The captain and I are prepared to vouch for everyone present here. We do not wish to prevent you from carrying out your professional duty, M. Gauche, but you are simply wasting your time. And the French taxpayers’ money.’