Boris Akunin - Murder on the Leviathan

‘Some might think it funny,’ Gauche sighed reproachfully, and suddenly he winked at Clarissa, which was going too far altogether. ‘One day the honest burghers of the town were thrown into a state of indescribable excitement when a certain peasant by the name of Mobius, who was known in Fettburg as no an idler and a numskull, boasted that he had sold his land, a narrow strip of stony desert, to a certain grand lady who styled herself the Comtesse de Sanfon. This damn fool of a countess had shelled out three thousand francs for thirty acres of barren land on which not even thistles could grow. But there were people smarter than Mobius on the town council, and they thought his story sounded suspicious. What would a countess want with thirty acres of sand and rock? There was something fishy going on. So they dispatched the very smartest of the town’s citizens to Zurich to find out what was what, and he discovered that the Comtesse de Sanfon was well known there as woman who knew how to enjoy life on a grand scale. Even more interestingly, she often appeared in public in the company of Mr Goldsilber, the director of the state railway company. The director and the countess were rumoured to be romantically involved. Then, of course, the good burgers guessed what was going on. The little town of Fettburg had been dreaming for a long time of having its own railway line, which would make it cheaper to export its chocolate and ham. The wasteland acquired by the countess just happened to run from the nearest railway station to the forest where the communal land began.

Suddenly everything was clear to the city fathers: having learned from her lover about plans to build a railway line, the countess had bought the key plot of land, intending to turn a handsome profit. An outrageously bold plan began to take shape in the good burghers’ heads. They dispatched a deputation to the countess, which attempted to persuade her Excellency to sell the land to the noble town of Fettburg. The beautiful lady was obstinate at first, claiming that she knew nothing about any branch railway line, but when the burghomaster hinted subtly that the affair smacked of a conspiracy between her Excellency and his Excellency the Director of State Railways, and that was a matter which fell within the competence of the courts, the woman’s nerve finally gave way and she agreed. The wasteland was divided into thirty lots of one acre each and auctioned off to the citizens of the town. The Fettburgers almost came to blows over it and the price for some lots rose as high as fifteen thousand francs. Altogether the countess received …’ The commissioner ran his finger along a line of print. ‘A little less than two hundred and eighty thousand francs.’

Mme Kleber laughed out loud and gestured to Gauche as if to say: I’m saying nothing, go on, go on.

‘Weeks went by, then months, and still the construction work had not started. The citizens of the town sent an inquiry to the government and received a reply that no branch line to Fettburg was planned for the next fifteen years … They went to the police and explained what had happened and said that it was daylight robbery. The police listened to the victims’ story with sympathy, but there was nothing they could do to help: Mlle Sanfon had said that she knew nothing about any railway line and she had not wanted to sell the land. The sales were properly registered, it was all perfectly legal. As for calling herself a countess, that was not a very nice thing to do, but unfortunately it was not a criminal offence.’

‘Very clever!’ laughed Renier. ‘It really was all perfectly legal’

‘But that’s nothing,’ said the commissioner, leafing further through his papers. ‘I have another story here that is absolutely fantastic. The action is set in the Wild West of America, in 1873.

Miss Cleopatra Frankenstein, the world-famous necromancer and Grand Dragoness of the Maltese Lodge, whose name in her passport is Marie Sanfon, arrives in the goldfields of California.

She informs the prospectors that she has been guided to this savage spot by the voice of Zarathustra, who has ordered his faithful handmaiden to carry out a great experiment in the town of Golden Nugget. Apparently, at that precise longitude and latitude the cosmic energy was focused in such a way that on a starry night, with the help of a few cabbalistic formulas, it was possible to resurrect someone who had already crossed the great divide between the kingdom of the living and the kingdom of the dead. And Cleopatra intended to perform this miracle that very night, in public and entirely without charge, because she was no circus conjurer but the medium of the supreme spheres.

And what do you think?’ Gauche asked, pausing for effect.

‘Before the eyes of five hundred bearded onlookers, the Dragoness worked her magic over the burial mound of Red Coyote, the legendary Indian chief who had died a hundred years earlier, and suddenly the earth began to stir - it gaped asunder, you might say - and an Indian brave in a feather headdress emerged from the mound, complete with a tomahawk and painted face. The onlookers trembled and Cleopatra, in the grip of her mystical trance, screeched: “I feel the power of the cosmos in me! Where is the town cemetery? I will bring everyone in it back to life.” It says in this article,’ the policeman explained, ‘that the cemetery in Golden Nugget was vast, because in the goldfields someone was dispatched to the next world every day of the week. Apparently, the headstones outnumbered the town’s living inhabitants.

When the prospectors imagined what would happen if all those troublemakers, drunks and gallows birds suddenly rose from their graves, panic set in. The situation was saved by the Justice of the Peace, who stepped forward and asked politely whether the Dragoness would agree to halt her great experiment if the town’s inhabitants gave her a saddlebag full of gold dust as a modest donation towards the requirements of occult science.’

‘Well, did she agree?’ chuckled the lieutenant.

‘Yes, for two bagfuls.’

‘And what became of the Indian chief?’ asked Fandorin with a smile. He had a quite wonderful smile, except that it was too boyish, thought Clarissa. As they said in Suffolk: a grand pie, but not for your mouth.

‘Cleopatra Frankenstein took the Indian chief with her,’ Gauche replied with a serious expression. ‘For purposes of scientific research. They say he got his throat cut during a drunken brawl in a Denver bordello.’

‘This Marie Sanfon really is a very interesting character,’ mused Fandorin. ‘Tell us more about her. It’s a long way from all these clever frauds to cold-blooded mass murder.’

‘Oh, please, that’s more than enough,’ protested Mrs Truffo, turning to her husband. ‘My darling, it must be awfully tiresome for you to translate all this nonsense.’

‘You are not obliged to stay, madam,” said Commissioner Gauche, offended by the word ‘nonsense’.

Mrs Truffo batted her eyelids indignantly, but she had no intention of leaving.

‘M. le cosaque is right,’ Gauche acknowledged. ‘Let me try to dig out a more vicious example.’

Mme Kleber laughed and cast a glance at Fandorin and, nervous as she was, even Clarissa was unable to restrain a smile - the diplomat was so very unlike a wild son of the steppe.

‘Here we are, listen to this story about the black baby. It’s a recent case, from the year before last, and we have a detailed report of the outcome.’ The detective glanced through several sheets of paper clipped together, evidently to refresh his memory of the event. He chuckled. ‘This is something of a masterpiece. I have all sorts of things in my little file, ladies and gentlemen.’ He stroked the black calico binding lovingly with the stumpy fingers of his plebeian hand. ‘Papa Gauche made thorough preparations for his journey, he didn’t forget a single piece of paper that might come in useful. The embarrassing events I am about to relate to you never reached the newspapers, and what I have here is the police report. All right. In a certain German principality (I won’t say which, because this is a delicate matter), a family of great note was expecting an addition to its number. It was a long and difficult birth. The receiving physician was a certain highly respected Dr Vogel. Eventually the bedroom was filled with the sound of an infant’s squalling. The grand duchess lost consciousness for several minutes because she had suffered so much, and then she opened her eyes and said to the doctor: “Ah, Herr Professor, show me my little child.” With an expression of extreme embarrassment, Dr Vogel handed her Highness the charming baby that was bawling so loudly. Its skin was a light coffee colour. When the grand duchess fainted again, the doctor glanced out of the door and beckoned with his finger to the grand duke, which, of course, was a gross violation of court etiquette.’