Janet Evanovich - Lean Mean Thirteen

I looked at Ranger. " Pierre?"

"If you want to live, you'll forget you heard that," Ranger said. "Tank isn't overly fond of being named Pierre."

Lula was already in the room when we got there.

"How's it going?" I asked her.

"I'm better now," she said. "I just had a moment, but I had a glass of juice and a pill, and now I'm back to my old self."

"I thought that was your old self," I said to Lula.

"Hunh," Lula said.

Tank had his eyes open, but there wasn't much going on behind them, and he looked like he was down a quart of blood.

"I talked to the doctor, and he said Tank's in good shape," Lula said. "He's just still dopey from the anesthetic. He might even be able to go home tomorrow."

"Yo," Tank said.

"Yo," we all answered.

"I'm gonna stay with him awhile," Lula said. "Make sure he don't rip no tubes out chasing nurses down the hall."

Ranger and Tank did one of those male bonding hand things, and Ranger and Morelli and I filed out of the room and into the hall.

"I'm going back to my apartment," I said. "Maybe I can find whatever it was Dickie was looking for."

"If you'll take over my Stephanie watch, I can visit Dave," Ranger said to Morelli.

"Done," Morelli said.

I felt my blood pressure raise just a tic. "Excuse me. Time out. Nice to know you're concerned about my welfare, but I'm not excited about getting passed around like luggage."

Morelli and Ranger looked at each other.

"The ball's in your court," Ranger said to Morelli.

"I have nothing," Morelli said.

"Terrific," I told him. "You have exactly one minute to come up with something. And while you're at it, you can explain this buddy-buddy routine. What happened to the rivalry, the animosity? You used to think Ranger was a nut. What about that?"

They stood hands on hips, counting down.

"It's her time of the month," Morelli finally said.

"Dude," Ranger said.

I huffed out of the hospital to the parking garage and realized I had no car. The Porsche was still in my lot.

Morelli was behind me, smiling. "Need a ride?"

I PLUGGED THE key into my front door lock, and Morelli drew his gun.

"The apartment is monitored," I told Morelli. "RangeMan would call if someone entered."

"Humor me," Morelli said. "Ranger handed you over to me, remember? It'd be embarrassing if you got kidnapped on my watch."

"Admit it. This is weird."

"Beyond weird, but if Ranger and I draw a line in the sand that can't be crossed right now, everyone will lose."

Forty minutes later, there was nothing left to be searched. We'd covered every square inch and found nothing.

"Let's run through this one more time," Morelli said. "Dickie’s got forty million dollars stashed somewhere, and everyone but the Easter Bunny is looking for it. Dickie leaves the safe house and comes straight here and starts searching. He thinks something is here, but it looks like he doesn't know where. The conclusion we've reached is that he hid something out in the open, and it got moved."

"Except I don't remember moving anything. And nothing seems to be missing."

We went to the kitchen and hauled out cold cuts and bread and made sandwiches.

Morelli looked over at the small security camera in my foyer. "Sharing you with Ranger doesn't even rate high on my 'hate this' list compared to being beamed into his control room while I make a sandwich."

"Did you report Dickie's kidnapping?"

"Yes. There's a bulletin out on him."

My kitchen phone rang and I answered it on speaker.

"Stephanie?" the voice said. "I'm surprised you returned home."

"Who is this?"

"I've been wanting to speak to you, but you've been very uncooperative."

"Well, here I am. What did you want to speak to me about?"

"You have something I need. You have the key."

"I have a bunch of keys. Which one are you interested in?"

"I'm not amused. You know which key."

"The key to the forty million dollars?"

"Yes. Now listen closely. If you give me the key, I'll allow you to live. If you choose to be difficult, I'll make sure you have a horrific death. You've already seen some of my work. The next victim will be your ex-husband. He's served his purpose. And as you know, I like to keep things tidy."

"How am I supposed to get the key to you?"

"I think it would be nice if you brought it in person."

"Not going to happen," I told him.

"Do you think I'm scary?"

"Yes."

"You have no idea. You haven't even seen my best work."

"Back to the key…"

"I'll think of something. Do you like surprises?"

And he hung up.

Morelli didn't look happy "You're getting too good at this," he said. "You've been scared and threatened so many times, you're starting to think it's normal. You were so cool with that guy. And he was insane. Genuine psychopath. And you played him."

"Isn't that what I was supposed to do?"

"Yes, but that isn't what I want the woman I love to do. You should have freaked. You should be shaking and crying. Look at you. You're smiling."

"I did a good job."

Morelli pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around me. "You did a great job. I'm proud of you, but I wish your life was different. I don't want you involved in this garbage."

"He thinks I have a key."

"We looked everywhere, and we didn't see a key."

"A key might be easy to miss."

"I didn't miss a key. It's not here," Morelli said.

"Then what the heck's he talking about?"

"The more disturbing question is why would he think you have a key?"

"Dickie."

"That's my best guess," Morelli said. "Dickie told him you have the key."

Morelli's hand had managed to get under my shirt and was starting to head north.

"We're on television," I said to him.

"Shit," Morelli said, removing his hand, stepping back from me. "I forgot."

My cell phone buzzed, and I tuned in to Grandma Mazur.

"I'm at the beauty parlor, and I'm all done," she said. "I was hoping you could give me a ride. Your mother's car is still on the blink."

"Sure," I said. "I need to go to the office anyway."

Ten minutes later, I picked Grandma up at the salon.

"I didn't expect to see Joseph," Grandma said, getting into Morelli's SUV.

"I can't get rid of him," I told her.

Grandma looked pretty good, considering she'd just been groundhogged. As far as I could see, she didn't have any gunk clinging to her. And her hair was newly washed and curled and had faded to apricot.

"I even got my nails done," Grandma said. I got them to match my hair, and I got a new lipstick too. Dolly said I couldn't wear red with my hair this color, so I got a lipstick named Orgasm. It's gotta be good with a name like that."

Morelli almost ran up on the curb at the thought of Grandma wearing a lipstick named Orgasm.

"Are you still looking for Diggery?" Grandma wanted to know.

"Yes."

"They buried Stanley Berg today, and I heard at the beauty parlor that he went in the ground wearing a diamond pinkie ring and a new Brooks Brothers suit that would fit Simon Diggery. And the weather is nice and mild. We're supposed to get some rain later, but I don't think a little rain would stop Diggery if he needed a new suit."

We dropped Grandma off, then went to Morelli's house to get Bob. Morelli parked in the alley behind his house, took the key out of the ignition, and dropped it into his pocket.

"Wait here," Morelli said. "I'll be right out."

I gave him a raised eyebrow. "You took the key?"

"You wouldn't be here when I came out if I left the key."

"I still might not be here."

"Yeah, but at least I'll have my car."

Morelli jogged to his back door, disappeared inside the house for a few seconds, and reappeared with Bob. Bob bounded out of the house, tethered to his leash, doing his happy dance, he tinkled on a small patch of dead grass, then rushed to I the back of I the SUV, anxious to go for a ride. Morelli loaded Bob into the car and got behind the wheel.