Janet Evanovich - Lean Mean Thirteen

Bruce Lee was kicking ass on the screen, and God knows what this was doing to Ranger's libido, but I now realized nature had come through for me. What had at first seemed like an embarrassing disaster was in actuality a blessing. This was my lucky week. First Joyce, and now nature.

Ranger slid an arm around me and nuzzled my neck. Bruce Lee was getting to him.

"Lula has a theory that violent movies put a man in the mood," I said to Ranger.

"Everything puts a man in the mood," Ranger said.

"Good thing I got cramps, eh? I'm safe."

"Not from me," Ranger said.

Eek. "Guess again," I told him.

Ranger changed channels to Jane Eyre. "The two toys we found in your bag were simple transmitters. With the exception of my device, you're supposed to be clean. How did Joyce find you this afternoon?"

"She picked me up at the bonds office."

I OPENED MY eyes and looked at the clock. Almost eight A.M. No Ranger. I checked under the covers. I was still wearing all the clothes I'd started with when I went to bed. Another night of successfully dodging the bullet. I scrambled out of bed and into the shower, I'd had a brilliant idea halfway through Jane Eyre. I knew how I was going to get Coglin to court to re-register. I'd have Grandma baby-sit his house. I got dressed in more RangeMan black and went to the kitchen to forage for breakfast. I called Ranger with a fast message while I finished my coffee.

"I'm heading out," I said. "I'm going to get Grandma and take her to Coglin's house. I've got the pen transmitter with me. See you later."

Morelli was up next.

"What's new?" I said.

"Unfortunately, nothing. What's new with you?"

I told him about Dave and Joyce.

"So I'm back at RangeMan," I said.

"I'm going to try to put a positive spin on this," Morelli said. "At least I know you're safe."

"This morning I'm doing bounty hunter stuff," I said. "I'm going to get Grandma to help me."

"So much for safe."

Connie was last on the list. "If 1 can get Coglin to the courthouse, can you get him re-bonded right away?" I asked her. I can catch people, but I can't write bond. Only Connie and Vinnie can do that.

"As long as the judge will grant bond. Lula is here. She can answer the phones. How are you going to get Coglin to the courthouse? I thought he was beaver-bombing everyone."

"It turns out he can't leave his house because he's waiting for the cable company."

"Those fuckers," Connie said.

"Yeah, well I'm going to have Grandma house sit for him."

I took the elevator to the garage and powered up the Cayenne. As I rolled out, I kept my eyes open. I was pretty sure Dave and his partner would surface at some point in the day. Without the help of a transmitter, they were going to have to make a pickup choice based on my history as they knew it. They knew I'd spent nights at RangeMan, but I was thinking between the broken nose, the stapled nuts, and the amputated pinkie finger, Dave wasn't moving so fast this morning. I probably had time to get Grandma and drop her off at Coglin's house before the bad guys were on the hunt.

I drove three blocks, adjusted my rearview mirror, and saw the black SUV two cars back. I called Ranger.

"Who's with me today?" I asked him.

"Hang on. I have to talk to control." A couple minutes later, he returned. "It's Binkie. He's new. And he's riding solo. I in short today. Don't give him a hard time. And if you go back to your apartment, don't get undressed in your foyer or living room. I've installed monitored security cameras."

"Roger and out."

Truth is, I didn't want to give Binkie a hard time. I was grateful to have someone watching my back. I circled my parents' block before parking. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary, so I pulled into the driveway behind my dad's Buick.

Grandma was watching morning television when I walked in. "Look at you," she said. "You look like Ranger. And look at the shirt with RangeMan written on it. Ain't that a pip."

"I have to take someone downtown to get re-bonded, and he needs someone to house sit. He's expecting the cable company."

"Those fuckers," Grandma said. "Excuse the language. Just let me get my purse."

I went to the kitchen to tell my mom.

"It'll be good for her to get out and do something," my mother said. "She's been feeling down because Elmer got shipped off to an assisted-living complex in Lakewood."

Grandma was wearing her favorite lavender-and-white running suit. Her hair had faded to orange, and she had her big black patent leather purse in the crook of her arm. I wasn't going to ask what she had in the purse.

"I'm all ready," she1 said, getting her coat out of the hall closet. "Where are we going?"

" North Trenton. Hopefully this won't take long."

Binkie stuck close to me all the way to Coglin's. When I parked in front of Coglin's house, Binkie parked half a block away. I got out and waved to him, and he waved back.

Grandma followed me up the sidewalk and waited while I rang the doorbell.

Coglin stuck his head out. "I'm still waiting," he said.

"I brought you a house sitter," I told him. "This is my Grandma Mazur. She's going to stay here while you go with me to get bonded out again. She'll wait for the cable company."

"I guess that would be okay," Coglin said. He looked Grandma over. "Are you up to the cable company?"

"Bring 'em on," Grandma said. "

"Don't let them leave without fixing my cable."

Grandma patted her purse. "Don't worry about it." She stepped inside and looked around. "What the heck’s going on here?"

"Carl is a taxidermist," I told Grandma.

"The best in the city," Coglin said. "I'm an artiste."

"I never seen anything like this," Grandma said. "You should go on the shopping channel. I bet you could clean up."

"I've thought of that," Coglin said. "I even wrote a letter to Suzanne Somers once. I think my performance pieces would be especially popular."

"Everything's real lifelike. You expect them to just start walking around."

"Sometimes when pets die, people bring them here to get restored, so they can take them home and put them on display," Coglin said.

Grandma was standing wide-eyed in front of a dog with big glass eyes and a tooth missing. "Isn't that something. That's a pip of an idea. I'm surprised they haven't thought to do that with people." Grandma looked to me. "I could have brought your grandfather home and set him in his favorite chair." She slid her dentures around and gave it more thought. "Would have been hard when I moved into your mother's house. It's already jammed full of furniture. I would have had to get rid of Harry."

"Sometimes my pieces get sold on eBay," Coglin said.

"I love eBay," Grandma said. "Harry probably wouldn't have fetched much, but the chair was worth something."

I put a call in to Connie and told her I was leaving for the courthouse with Coglin in tow.

"Just be careful not to touch any of the performance pieces," Coglin told Grandma.

"Don't worry about me. I won't break anything," Grandma said.

"And don't shoot anyone," I said to Grandma. "Especially the cable people."

"Those fuckers," Grandma said.

"THAT WASN'T SO bad," Coglin said when we turned onto his street. "1 didn't have to wait in jail or anything." He was sitting forward, straining against his seatbelt. "I don't see a cable truck."

"It's still early," I told him.

I parked in front of his house and Binkie parked behind me. Coglin got out and checked the cable stretching across his street for breaks. It looked intact, so we went to the house to spring Grandma.

Grandma had the door open before we reached the porch. "Good thing I was here," she said. "The cable man showed up almost as soon as you left. He ran a new cable under the road, and I stood out there and watched him to make sure he wasn't fibbing about the new cable. And then I wouldn't let him leave until he came in and tried the television. And it looks to me like everything's good now. And he's sending someone to remove the old cable that's running across the road. Probably won't happen for another six months, but it don't really matter."