Janet Evanovich - Lean Mean Thirteen

"Oh gosh," Coglin said. "I can't believe it. The nightmare is over. I can leave the house during the day. I can fill e-mail orders and pay my online accounts." He swiped at a tear. "I feel real stupid getting all emotional like this, but it's been terrible. Just terrible."

"That's okay," Grandma said. "We all get like that over the cable company."

"I can't thank you enough. This was so nice of you to stay here."

"I've been having a good time looking at all the animals," Grandma said. "It's like being in a museum or something. My favorite is this big groundhog because he has three eyes. Imagine that, a groundhog with three eyes."

Grandma reached out and touched an eye and bang!

Grandma was head-to-toe groundhog. There was groundhog hair stuck everywhere.

"Son of a bee's wax," Grandma said.

"That's okay," Coglin said. "I've got a bunch of groundhogs."

I led Grandma down the sidewalk to the car and got her strapped in.

"He must have overstuffed it," Grandma said.

"It happens all the time," I said to Grandma. "Don't worry about it. I'm going to take you home, and we'll get you cleaned up and you'll be good as new."

I called my mother from the road to warn her.

"Grandma had a little accident," I said to my mother, "but she's fine. She's just got some groundhog stuck to her. I think if you scrub her down with Goo Gone, she'll be okay. And maybe you could call Dolly and see if she's got an opening at the hair salon for a wash and set… maybe a cut."

There was a silent pause and I could imagine my mother making the sign of the cross and looking over at the liquor cabinet. I disconnected and turned into the Burg.

"I hear Elmer got shipped off to Lakewood," I said to Grandma.

"Yeah, he was a dud anyway. I'm thinking about taking up bowling. Lucy Grabek joined one of them leagues, and she got a pink bowling ball with her name on it. I wouldn't mind having one of those."

I parked in front of my parents' house and my mother came out to collect Grandma.

"Is this really groundhog?" my mother asked.

"The little brown hairs and patches of hide are groundhog. I don't know about the white stuff. I think it's some kind of synthetic foam," I said.

Binkie and I waved good-bye to Grandma and my mom, and then we drove to the bonds office.

Connie had reached the office ahead of me and was writing out my capture check. "Good work," she said. "That was clever of you to have Grandma baby-sit. How'd she do?"

"She got woodchucked."

"I bet it was the third eye that got her," Lula said. "You can't hardly resist the third eye."

"How'd last night go?" I asked Lula. "Did the movies work?"

"We never got to the movies. Turns out he don't need no mood enhancement. I'm telling you, I think I'm in love. I might even learn to cook for him."

Connie and I did raised eyebrows.

"Okay," Lula said. "Learning to cook probably isn't gonna happen, but I could learn something."

My phone buzzed and I picked up to Morelli.

"He's gone," Morelli said.

"Who?"

"Dickie."

"Where'd he go?"

"I don't know. I was working upstairs, and when I came down, he was gone. Television on. Back door unlocked."

"Is anything missing?"

"Not that I can tell. My car is still here. His clothes are all here. No signs of struggle. No blood on the floor."

"Maybe he went for a walk."

"He's not supposed to go for a walk. He's not supposed to leave the house. That was the deal. I've been out driving around, and I don't see him."

"Do you think someone took him?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe he went to find Joyce for a nooner."

"Joyce. That's a good idea. Is she still following you?"

I looked out the big plate-glass window in the front of the office. "Yeah. She's sitting across the street. Do you want me to talk to her?"

"Yes, but you can't let her know anything about Dickie."

"What was that about?" Lula wanted to know.

"Morelli thought Bob was missing, but he found him. I'll be right back. I want to say hello to Joyce."

I crossed the street, the Mercedes’ driver's side window slid down, and Joyce looked out at me.

"Hey," I said. "How’s it going?"

"It's not. Why don't you get off your ass and do something? You think I have nothing better to do than follow you around?"

Smullen's girlfriend was in the seat next to Joyce.

"I never caught your name," I said to her.

"Rita."

"Going tag team?" I asked Joyce.

"If I keep her next to me, I don’t have to worry about her sneaking up and stabbing me in the back."

"Fuck you," Rita said to Joyce.

"All right then," I said. "Guess I'll be moving along."

Joyce glanced at the black SUV parked behind Rangers Cayenne. "Do you have a permit for a parade?"

"That's Binkie. He's practicing surveillance techniques."

I went back to the office and dialed Morelli. "Nothing there," I said.

"I can't believe this happened. I lost my witness. I'll probably get busted back to uniform patrol."

"He was a witness, not a prisoner. It's not like you could chain him to the toilet."

"I don't suppose you'd want to come over and cheer me up," Morelli said.

"You lost a witness and that's the first activity that comes to mind?"

"That's always the first activity that comes to mind."

"Sorry, but here's the second bad news of the day. It's that time."

"So?"

"Yeesh."

"Okay, let's table my love life for a couple hours. I need to find either Dickie or Petiak," Morelli said.

"Petiak is easy. We just set me out on the curb and wait for him to kidnap me."

"I'm not excited about that plan."

"Just for giggles, lets suppose Dickie didn't get snatched. Let's suppose he went after the money."

"What money?" Morelli asked.

"The forty million dollars."

"I don't know anything about forty million dollars."

"The forty million Dickie withdrew from the firm's Smith Barney account. The forty million everyone wants, including Joyce and Rita, Smullen's girlfriend. Didn't Dickie tell you about the forty million?"

"That little prick better hope I don't find him because I'm going to kill him."

"You're going to have to take a ticket on that one."

"How do you know about this?"

"Joyce left her front door open one day and I happened to wander in and sit down at her kitchen desk and the drawer sort of opened and I found a bunch of numbers-"

"Stop. I don't want to know," Morelli said.

"I just got a capture check. Suppose I treat to lunch."

"That would be great, but I'm afraid to leave the house in case our boy returns."

"You're in luck. I deliver."

I left the bonds office and was about to plug the key into the Porsche's ignition when Ranger called.

"I'm looking at a monitor, and I'm not believing what I'm seeing," Ranger said. "Dickie Orr just broke into your apartment. Isn't he supposed to be holding hands with Morelli?"

"Morelli just called and said Dickie disappeared."

"Looks like we found him. Tank's on his way. Stay away from the area until I give you an all clear."

Yeah, right. Douche bag Dickie just broke into my apartment, and I'm going to stay clear. Not. I put the car in gear and wheeled around into the Burg. First thing, I had to lose Joyce. I cut through the alley behind Angie Kroeger's house, hung a fast right, ripped through the parking lot for the Colonial Bar and Grille, and came out on Broad. I drove Broad for two blocks, hit Hamilton, and zipped past the bonds office. Joyce was nowhere in sight. Neither was Binkie. I was pretty sure Binkie had his Bluetooth working, calling the control room to see where the devil I was. The control room would be tuned to the GPS transmitter in the Cayenne and my purse, but I'd be in my lot by the time Binkie caught up with me.