Janet Evanovich - Full Scoop

"Would you shut the hell up!" Carl Lee yelled, so loudly that Ed and Cook both jumped. "We are on a schedule, old man. If I have to stop this damn car one more time I'm going to stuff your wig in your mouth and lock you in the trunk. You got that?"

"I knew you weren't a real priest," Ed said. "I knew you were faking it. You're going to be screwed when the pope finds out."

Carl Lee swerved to the side of the road, slammed on the brakes, and pulled out his gun. He swung around and shoved it against the elderly man's forehead.

Ed's eyes shot open wide. He gasped and wheezed and clutched his chest. His eyes rolled around in his head and he fell sideways on the seat.

"Oh, shit!" Carl Lee said.

Cook gaped and shrank against the passenger door. "Is he?" He gulped. "You killed him, Carl Lee! You killed Ed! I'm outta here." He reached for the door handle.

"Think again." Carl Lee moved the gun to Cook's left temple.

"You can't shoot me. You'll get blood all over the car, and we're supposed to join that parade in fifteen minutes. You've already got one dead man in the car. What do you plan on doing with two?"

"You're right," Carl Lee said. "I can't shoot you so I think this is the perfect time to play my trump card." He reached beneath the seat, pulled out a photo of a young woman and a blond pigtailed girl playing with a puppy in front of a neat, white frame house. He dropped it in Cook's lap.

Cook's hands shook as he picked it up and held it almost reverently, a recent photo of his daughter and granddaughter. "H-how did you get this?" His voice was strangled.

"You're not the only one I hired, retard. I give the word, and they disappear. My friend needs the money." Carl Lee lowered the gun. "Don't make me prove what I'm capable of, Ray."

* * * * *

Someone knocked on Lamar's door, and a young officer opened it and stuck his head inside. "Chief, we have a little situation."

Lamar Tevis had his phone pressed to his ear. He held up one hand. "Yes, Vera, I've definitely decided it's time I pass the old badge to someone else," he whispered, "and I was thinking you or Jamie would like to interview me. You know, tell people how devoted I've been to my job and all I've accomplished while serving as police chief. And I'd really like it if you'd mention my deep-sea fishing business."

The officer waved. "Um, Chief—"

Lamar held up his hand again. "Just one thing, Vera," he said. "I don't want anyone to know about it until after I get this mess cleaned up with Stanton." Lamar hung up and looked at the officer. "What!"

"Well, the parade is about to start, Chief, and there's this goat running loose on Main Street. And there's an ugly hound dog with the goat, and he won't let anybody close to the goat. Starts growling and snarling like he's going to eat us alive. He looks pretty dangerous."

Lamar yanked off his cap and threw it on the floor. "Do I look like Animal Control? Do I look like a parade organizer? Don't people realize that I'm trying to catch a dad-burned killer?"

* * * * *

"Is that Kenny Preston?" Delores from dispatch asked Carl Lee, as she and two other women tied helium balloons to the door handles and hung banners on either side of the Cadillac. She stared at the newly deceased Ed in his sunglasses and rhinestone-laden jumpsuit, propped between Carl Lee and the back door of the car, his pillow tucked beneath his head. "He looks really old," Delores added. "Is he okay?"

In the front seat, Cook gripped the steering wheel tightly, but remained silent.

"He's asleep," Carl Lee said. "And yeah, he's old. He's the oldest and most famous of all the rest of us Elvis impersonators. I'll wake him up when the parade starts. Doesn't look like much of a parade," he added.

"I'm sorry it's small," Delores said, "but there seemed to be a big mix-up. I only found one float. It's our Thanksgiving float. It has an enormous turkey on it, but we took off the happy thanksgiving banner." She fidgeted with her hands and spoke in rapid-fire sentences. "And we couldn't put together a marching band, but my aunt's friend has a daughter who is married to a musician so we—"

"I think I get the message," Carl Lee said, giving her a tight smile.

"But we provided the police escort you asked for," she said, motioning to the squad car in front of them, "so the fans won't try to rush Mr. Preston, but—" She glanced down Main Street where only a few people lingered and looked about curiously. "I don't think we'll have a problem with crowd control."

"Are we about ready?" Carl Lee was clearly impatient to begin.

"There's a goat and a bloodhound in the road. We're just waiting for the police to catch them. Um, we're honored to have Mr. Preston with us today," Delores said. "Oh behalf of the town of Beaumont, let me welcome you." She hurried away.

Carl Lee chuckled. "So what do you think, Ray? Not only have we made it past the roadblock, we have a police escort."

"Yeah, you're a genius, Carl Lee," Cook said as he continued to stare straight ahead, his tone flat. "Now you need to figure out what we're going to do with Ed after the parade."

* * * * *

"What's going on?" Maggie asked when she saw the large turkey towering above the cars ahead of them. "That's our Thanksgiving float. I didn't know we were having a parade. Mel, do you know anything about a parade?" she asked, glancing over her shoulder.

"How could I?" the girl said. "I'm grounded. I'm not allowed contact with the outside world."

"There's Butterbean and Fleas!" Zack said, motioning toward the other side of the street where police were in pursuit of the pair. He pulled off the road and cut the engine. "Wait here."

Zack climbed from the van and ran in the direction of the scurrying animals. He heard someone call out to him and glanced over his shoulder. Jamie was trying to catch up.

"Are they getting ready to have a parade?" Zack asked as they hurried toward the dog and the goat.

"I just found out it was some last-minute thing they threw together to welcome a famous Elvis impersonator to town so it's obviously tied to the convention. Oh, no, did you see that? Fleas just tried to bite a policeman!"

Several minutes later they had their animals in tow and a furious Jamie was giving Fleas a stern lecture. Every once in a while he looked back mournfully at Butterbean; Zack was leading her in the opposite direction toward the van. He opened the back door and hefted the little pygmy in and closed the door, just as a loudspeaker screeched in the background, causing a number of people to wince and cover their ears.

"We'd better get out of here fast," Zack said, turning on the ignition.

"Yeah, we don't want to get stuck behind a parade," Maggie said.

Zack shook his head. "I'm more worried that loudspeaker will go off again." He eased forward, waiting for several cars to pass.

"Zack, my man!" a male voice called out.

"It's your friend Lonnie Renfro," Maggie said. "Get a load of that outfit."

Mel moaned in the backseat. "Could we please leave now?"

Zack glanced out his window as Lonnie crossed the street, bedecked in a fire-engine-red satin jumpsuit and matching cape. Rhinestones formed streaks of lightning across his chest and down the back of his cape. "Wow," Zack said. "I don't think I've ever seen anything like that. I hope nobody lights a match close to him."

Lonnie waved wildly and hurried toward them, hand on his head as though afraid his Elvis wig would fly off. "Dude!" He reached inside the window and punched Zack on his left arm. "How's it going, my man?" He nodded at Maggie and glanced in the backseat at Mel. "Is your daughter sick?"

"Just a cold from being in the night air," Maggie said.

Lonnie's blackened brows arched high. "Whoa, mama, you've got a goat in the back of your van."