Janet Evanovich - Full Scoop

Maggie jerked her head up, felt the heat rush to her face. She tried to answer. "Wh … uh?"

This time Jamie cocked her head to the side. "Did you say 'whuh'?"

Maggie was almost sure her ears were scorched. She shrugged.

"Why is your face so red?" Jamie asked. "How come you're not breathing? How come you didn't tell me you and Zack were doing real undercover work? And don't give me 'whuh.' "

Maggie just sat there not knowing what to say.

Jamie kicked off her shoes and sat cross-legged on the bed, studying her friend thoughtfully. "You don't look any different."

Maggie closed her eyes and sighed.

"He's got it bad for you," Jamie said.

Maggie opened her eyes. "Oh, please."

"I'm serious. I know that look. I've seen it on Fleas when he looks at Butterbean."

"Have you forgotten why Zack is here? Besides, if anything is going on between us—" She paused. "No, it's too weird."

"What?"

"I think Queenie has something to do with it. I mean, good grief! Zack and I don't have time for this stuff. Carl Lee Stanton is probably out there right now trying to decide whether to use a knife or a gun on me."

"You don't really believe Queenie would do something like that. You and Zack are just irresistibly drawn to each other."

"I can't think about it right now. It's too much. I have to keep a clear head. I have to protect my daughter. I have to have that talk with her." Maggie stacked her bills and envelopes and put them on the night table. She looked up. "Would you like something to drink?" she asked, purposely changing the subject. "I have lemonade, diet soft drinks, coffee, bottled water," she said.

Jamie shook her head. "I'm fine. Besides, I've given up coffee. It upsets my stomach. And citrus drinks give me heartburn."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Where is Mel? I don't hear her stereo."

"She's in her room reading Gulliver's Travels."

"Grounded, huh? Dare I ask why?"

Maggie told her.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that," Jamie said. "I'm sorry you have to go through all this," she added sadly. "It makes my problems sound petty."

"Don't be silly. Your problems have never been petty to me. So, talk."

Jamie updated her on the never-ending, nerve-rattling problems going on at her house and repeated her story about the leaky faucet. "It's driving me crazy. I'm tired and out of sorts." Sudden tears filled her eyes. "My marriage is on the rocks," she added.

"No way! Max adores you. If he seems distracted, it's just because he's impatient to get the plant up and running. He's dealing with contractors at the house and the office. Now, would you like a little advice?"

"Yes!"

"Okay, Oakleigh Apartments has long— and short-term executive rentals. I've seen them, and they're gorgeous. They're fully stocked, right down to linens and dishes and toilet paper. They have daily maid service. You and Max could have a quiet time together."

"I'd forgotten about Oakleigh. I wonder if there is a vacancy," Jamie mused aloud. "I wonder if they allow pets."

"They're running ads in your newspaper. And I'm sure they'll let you take Fleas. Good grief, you're Max and Jamie Holt. You guys saved the town! You guys are celebrities. You guys—" Maggie paused. "You'll probably have to pay a pet fee."

"That's a great idea," Jamie said. She climbed from the bed and stepped into her shoes. "I'm going to drive over there right now and rent one. Thank you, Maggie." She hurried toward the door.

"Oh, one more thing," Maggie said.

Jamie turned. "Yeah?"

"Take a pregnancy test."

Zack opened the back door just as Jamie reached for the knob. He stepped inside. He wore an old hat with a raccoon's face on the front; the top part of the hat was covered in fur. "Found it in the back of the van," he said at the look Jamie gave him. "Thought maybe I could gross out Mel," he added.

"Yeah, that should work."

"You're not going to believe this," he said. "The goat is gone, and so is your dog."

Jamie blinked several times. "Wh … uh?"

Zack gave a slight frown. "Sorry, I didn't get that. Did you just say 'whuh'?"

"Ignore it," Jamie told him. "How long have they been missing?"

"I just now noticed," he said. "Butterbean chewed through her pen. I've been looking for them. They couldn't have gotten very far."

Maggie came up behind Jamie. "What's wrong?

Other than Zack having really bad taste in hats?" she added.

Jamie told her what was going on.

Mel came into the room, still dressed in her pajamas. She looked at Zack and gave a huge sigh. Finally, she opened the refrigerator door, stared inside for a moment and slumped. She proceeded to the cabinet, looked inside, closed the door, and banged her head gently against it. "There's never anything good to eat in this house."

Maggie, deep in thought as to where the animals could have gone, paid scant notice to her daughter's food complaints. "Honey, just try to make do for now," she said. "I think we should drive around and look for them," she told Zack.

He nodded. "I was going to suggest that, but I want you and Mel with me."

Mel had her hands in the potato chip bag. "Who are you looking for?"

"I think Fleas and Butterbean have eloped," Zack said. "Guess they won't need a best man. Guess I won't get to show off my new hat." He grinned at her.

Mel just stared back at him as she stuffed potato chips in her mouth.

Maggie grabbed her purse from the kitchen counter. "Mel, you need to come with us."

"In my pajamas?"

"Run and throw on something quick, okay?" Maggie glanced at her, then gasped. "Why are you eating potato chips for breakfast? I'm a doctor, for Pete's sake! I preach healthy food to my patients' parents every day, and my own daughter eats cold pizza and potato chips for breakfast."

She reached for the bag, but it slipped through her fingers and fell to the floor, scattering potato chips in every direction. Maggie closed her eyes. "I'll clean it up while you change clothes."

Mel looked up from the mess. "Why can't I have a normal childhood?"

"You do have a normal childhood," Maggie said, hurrying for the broom and dustpan. "Hurry, now, we have to find a goat who has obviously lost her head over a hound dog. Oh, and I need to leave a note for Queenie in case she comes by for her black hen's egg and decides to paint bat's blood on our front steps or something."

"Maybe I could go to a boarding school," Mel said hopefully as she plodded down the hall to her bedroom.

"We need to take the van," Zack said. "We can put Fleas in the backseat with Mel. Butterbean will fit in the luggage area."

"I don't have any rope," Maggie said. "A belt, maybe?" She saw Zack wasn't wearing one. "I'll grab one of mine." She raced down the hall.

"I'll drive around and look too," Jamie said to Zack. "I don't like them disappearing so close to town. I hope they don't get hit by a car."

Maggie returned with her belt. "Ready? Where's Mel?"

Mel came through the kitchen door. "I'm here! Geez!"

"Wear this," Zack said, plunking the hat on Maggie's head, "just in case Stanton is out there watching."

"Please tell me you're not really going to wear that in public," Mel said.

Zack backed the van out of the garage a few minutes later. Jimmy Hendrix was blasting through the speakers singing "Purple Haze" and beads swung behind the seat. The raccoon hat all but covered Maggie's eyes. At the end of the driveway, Zack paused to let a car pass, and he began playing an air guitar. Mel lay in the backseat, hands covering her face.

Zack pulled from the driveway. "Okay, keep an eye out, Maggie," he said. "Mel, keep your head low, okay?"

* * * * *

"I'm really nervous," Ed said, his black Elvis wig falling forward on his head again. "I've never been in front of a crowd. I'm feeling light-headed and dizzy, and I'm having heart palpitations. My whole body is shaking, and my palms are sweating, and I feel sick to my stomach. I have to pee. I wish I had gone to that nursing home."