William Johnston: Max Smart and the Ghastly Ghost Affair

“Now, Max,” 99 whispered. “Rub the Coolidge-head penny and signal our location to the Chief.”

“Not yet, 99,” Max whispered back. “That may be exactly what Arbuthnot wants. This could be a trick. Don’t forget-the conductor recognized us instantly as Control agents-it’s possible that he knew all along that we were on the train. And if he knew that, maybe he knows about the plan to signal the location of the meeting to the Chief. For all we know, Arbuthnot ordered this stop at this ghost town for our benefit. Perhaps he wants us to signal the Chief, and, after we do, he’ll move on to some other location. We’re not dealing with a common-ordinary bad guy, 99. Arbuthnot is brilliant. A kook, yes-but brilliant.”

“Max,” 99 whispered, “I think you’re giving him too much credit. How could he possibly know about the Coolidge-head penny?”

“I didn’t say he knows about the penny, 99. I said he may know that we’re going to signal. He may be waiting for us to make our move and reveal our method. So, as soon as I can attract his attention, I’m going to flip the penny. And if he tries to get it from me, I’ll rub it quickly and alert the Chief to our whereabouts.”

“Max,” 99 said worriedly, “I think that’s-”

But Arbuthnot had finished his inspection. “Well, it’s not the Grand Forks, North Dakota, Hilton,” he said, “but, on the other hand, we won’t have a lot of strangers wandering in and out of the lobby and breathing their germs on us. We ought to be able to get a lot of work done.” He indicated Max and 99. “Put them away somewhere for safe-keeping,” he said to the conductor.

“Just a minute,” Max said, getting the Coolidge-head penny from his pocket. “As one of the abductees in this arrangement, I would like-”

“One of the whats?” Arbuthnot asked.

“Abductees,” Max replied. “You and your fellow assassins are the abductors and we are the abductees.” He flipped the penny and caught it. “As one of the abductees-” Again, he flipped the coin and caught it. “Yes? Did you want to interrupt me for something?” he asked Arbuthnot.

Arbuthnot shook his head.

“As one of the abductees-” Max continued. He flipped the penny and snatched it from the air once more. “Did you mention something about an interest in odd coins?” he asked.

“Not me,” Arbuthnot replied. “I never go near them. Odd coins have odd germs.” He addressed the conductor again. “Get them out of here,” he said.

“This is your final chance,” Max said. He flipped the penny into the air again.

“Max!” 99 hissed. “Stop flipping that penny and-”

He turned to her. “What did you say, 99? I was busy flipping the-”

There was a clink. Max had failed to catch the penny and it had dropped to the floor.

“Max!”

The Coolidge-head penny was rolling across the floor. Max dashed after it.

But just then, Arbuthnot shouted, “Spray it! He was handling it-it’s germ-infested!”

And as Max was about to reach the penny, the conductor sprayed. The spray missed the coin and hit Max straight in the face. And the Coolidge-head penny got away and rolled down a crack between two planks.

“Max! It’s gone!” 99 cried.

Max was wiping spray from his face. “Gone where?” he replied, on the brink of panic.

“All this excitement about a penny?” Arbuthnot asked. “You people in Control sure must be poorly-paid.” He spoke to the conductor again. “Get them out of here!” he said.

“Just let me get that penny!” Max protested. “Where did it go?”

“It’s too late, Max!” 99 told him. “It dropped through the floor.”

“Oh,” Max replied, looking pained. He thought a second, then spoke to Arbuthnot. “I wonder if I could borrow a few of your assassins for a minute to help me pull up these planks,” he said.

“Enough!” Arbuthnot screeched. He turned to the conductor, “Take care of him!” he commanded.

The conductor dug into his pocket, got out some change, and handed a penny to Max. “There-now, we’re square,” he said.

“That’s not what I meant!” Arbuthnot screamed. “You’re an assassin, not a banker! When I say ‘take care of him,’ I mean- Oh, nevermind. Just get them out of here! All this commotion is stirring up the germs!”

The Conductor motioned to Max and 99, directing them outside. When they reached the street, he ordered them to halt. Then he glanced about, looking for a place to imprison them,

“How about putting us back on the train,” Max suggested. “You could lock us in the baggage car.”

“If it’s your idea, it couldn’t be any good,” the conductor replied.

“Why don’t you lock us in a room in the hotel,” 99 suggested.

The conductor looked shocked.

“It’s all right-we’re married,” 99 assured him.

The conductor looked suspicious. “Yeah? That’s what they all say. Let’s see your marriage license.”

“I don’t carry it with me,” Max said. “But, use your head-why would we want to be locked in the same hotel room if we weren’t married?”

The conductor thought for a moment. “I don’t know,” he said finally. “But, you’re so anxious, there must be something you could do. And you’re not going to use me for your patsy. I’ll think of someplace else to lock you up. There must be-” He suddenly brightened. “Sure! There’s always an abandoned mine in these old ghost towns.” He shaded his eyes and squinted toward the hills. “It’s up there somewhere,” he said. He motioned with the pistol again. “March!”

Max, 99 and the conductor left the town and walked to the foothills. After a short search, the conductor located the entrance to an abandoned mine.

“See? I knew it would be here,” he said. “You watch educational TV and you learn a lot of things.”

“Oh? What did you see this on?” Max asked. “ ‘Abandoned Mines and Other Curious Natural Phenomena’?”

The conductor shook his head. “In a movie,” he replied. “ ‘Abbott amp; Constello Meet Wolf Man on the Planet of the Ants.’ It was about this beautiful girl who was engaged to marry the local banker’s son because her father couldn’t keep up the mortgage payments on his Dairy Queen stand. Abbott was masquerading as the girl, and Costello was chasing him across the ice, assisted by a pack of ravenous ants, when suddenly the ice broke and they dropped into this abandoned mine. I remember it because, although they were supposed to be shooting the picture on location in Antarctica, I kept catching glimpses of a sign saying ‘Los Angeles City Limits,’ and we’re in Los Angeles now, aren’t we?”

“You’re right,” Max replied. “You watch educational TV and you learn a lot of things.”

Again, the conductor gestured with the gun. “Inside!” he said.

“Have you noticed,” Max said, “that there’s no door on this abandoned mine? How do you intend to lock us in?”

“A rock slide,” the conductor replied. “That’s how it was done in ‘Abbott amp; Constello Meet-’ Nevermind. Just watch-I’ll show you.”

Max and 99 entered the abandoned mine. Then the conductor pointed his pistol into the air and fired it. There was a loud rumbling noise. A moment later, rocks came crashing down and completely covered the entrance to the abandoned mine, leaving Max and 99 trapped inside in total darkness.

“That’s how,” the conductor called in to them. “It has something to do with sound waves, I think. Either that or I’m magic.”

“Sound waves is my guess,” Max shouted back. “But how are you going to open that rock slide when it’s time to feed us?”

“Sound waves,” the conductor replied.

“That only works one way,” Max called out to him.