William Johnston: Max Smart and the Ghastly Ghost Affair

“All right, 99-if that’s what you want to believe. I’m still humoring you, so anything you say-I agree. Now, let’s try to concentrate on the mission again, shall we? Look around the lounge car-do you see anybody who looks like a KAOS assassin?”

“I looked while you were talking to the Senator, Max,” 99 said. “I couldn’t find anyone who looked suspicious. Let’s stroll up and down the aisle again.”

“That’s very romantic, 99. But, don’t you- Oh, I see what you mean. And look for suspicious-looking characters, you mean.”

Max and 99 rose and left the lounge car and sauntered toward the rear of the train. Several cars later, they suddenly saw a herd of burly girls marching toward them. The girls looked a great deal like lady wrestlers.

“Back!” Max shouted to 99. “Flatten yourself against the wall! It’s a stampede! We could be crushed!”

There was a thundering sound as the burly girls drew nearer. Max and 99 pressed themselves against the wall. But they could not possibly flatten themselves out enough, and it seemed as if they would surely be crushed to pulp as the burly girls rumbled past. But, in the nick of time, the wall suddenly appeared to give ’way. Max and 99 stumbled backwards, out of the way, and the burly girls thundered by them, leaving behind a cloud of dust from the carpet in the aisle.

“That was close!” Max said. “What saved us?”

“The door opened and we fell into this vacant compartment, Max,” 99 explained.

“Oh. . yes. .” Max looked around, “Mmmmmm. . that’s odd, isn’t it? The train is crowded. . yet we have this vacant compartment. Do you suppose it’s being used by someone who doesn’t want it known that he’s on the train?”

“Max, I don’t quite understand your reasoning. .”

“Sometimes, 99, an experienced secret agent gets a hunch. He can’t explain it, but- You’ll notice, for instance, that there’s no luggage in this compartment. That makes it seem vacant. And yet, a closer look reveals this manila envelope, which contains-” Max opened the envelope and was peering into it. “-which contains-” He closed the envelope and dropped it onto the seat. “Nevermind, 99, you were wrong again,” he said. “If you’d looked on the door before we fell in here, you’d have noticed that this is our own compartment. Let’s get back to-”

From the aisle came the voice of the conductor. “Lunch! Lunch is now being served in the Dining Car! Lunch! Hear ye! Hear-”

Once more, the sound of a stampede was heard. The conductor leaped into Max’s and 99’s compartment, getting out of the way. A great mass of people suddenly galloped past the doorway. Then, just as abruptly, all became quiet once more-except for the sound of the dust settling.

“What was that!” Max asked the conductor.

“Just the folks going in to lunch,” he replied. “They all want to be first in line.”

“It looked like everybody on the train went past,” Max said.

“They did,” the conductor said. “I guess I better get up to the dining car and set the table.” He hurried out and then disappeared up the aisle.

“Well, now we know who the KAOS assassins are, 99,” Max said.

She looked puzzled. “We do, Max?”

“Of course. Didn’t you notice when that thundering herd went by that those big girls with those big muscles weren’t with them? That could mean only one thing!”

“That they were in the powder room when lunch was announced, you mean?”

“What I should have said, perhaps, is that it could mean only one of two things. The other one-the right one-is that they’re the KAOS assassins. Think about it, 99. Were those really big girls with big muscles, or were they actually big men with big muscles? Now, if they were men, isn’t it reasonable to assume that they’re the KAOS assassins in disguise?”

“I guess that is kind of reasonable to assume, Max,” 99 admitted. “But, frankly, they looked like girls to me.”

“99, I suspect I’ve had a great deal more experience at girl-watching than you. And I say they looked like men.”

“Max. . I’m hungry. Let’s go to lunch and argue about it.”

“Good idea.”

Max and 99 left the compartment and walked along the aisle in the direction the conductor had gone. When they reached the last car they saw the end of a line up ahead.

Max looked back. “I wonder where those men with the big muscles are?” he said, sounding a little worried. “If they’re KAOS assassins, they might be up to anything.”

Max and 99 got in line.

“My guess is, they’re girls and they’re on a diet and they’re skipping lunch,” 99 said.

“99, I think I know-”

The sound of marching was heard again.

“Here they come,” Max said, relieved.

A moment later, the burly girls marched into the car and got in line behind Max and 99.

“If those aren’t KAOS assassins in disguise,” Max whispered to 99, “my number isn’t 86. I’m going to try to get them to make a slip and reveal their true identities.” He then turned to the burly girl who was standing in line right behind him and who appeared to be the leader. “Well. . nice train ride we’re having,” he said cordially. “Which is quite a surprise, considering how crowded it is. You’d think there’d be chaos, eh?”

“Not for us,” the burly girl replied. “Everybody gets out of our way.”

“I see. Well, that means it’s chaos for everybody else, then, when you’re around. Is that right?”

The burly girl eyed him belligerently. “You trying to get fresh, puny?”

“Puny. Uh. . no, I was, uh, just, uh. . Well, uh, on your way to Miami Beach on vacation, are you?” Max asked.

“Business,” the leader of the burly girls replied. “We’re a team of lady wrestlers. We’re going down to Miami Beach to break some legs on some other lady wrestlers.”

Max faced back to 99. “A likely story,” he whispered. “They’re a team, all right-but a team of KAOS assassins, not a team of lady wrestlers.”

“Max. . they look like lady wrestlers,” 99 said.

“Of course. That’s the dead-giveaway. They wouldn’t look like assassins, would they? If they looked like assassins, we’d be able to spot them as assassins immediately. KAOS isn’t in the business of making things easy for Control, you know, 99. Now, watch this. With a couple deft verbal parries and thrusts, I’ll trick this assassin into revealing not only that he’s not a wrestler, but that also he’s not a lady.”

“Be careful, Max,” 99 said worriedly.

Max turned back to the leader of the burly girls. “Frankly,” he said, “I don’t happen to believe that you’re either a lady or-”

Max found himself sailing through the air, headed for the opposite end of the car. The burly girl, upon having her word questioned, had picked him up, held him over her head a moment, then sent him flying. A moment later, Max crashed against the door at the end of the car and with the usual thud, dropped to the floor.

“Max!” 99 cried, running to him. “Are you all right?”

Max shook his head groggily to clear his vision. “I probably won’t know whether I’m all right or not until after I see the X-rays,” he replied. “In the meantime, however, I think I’ve proved at least half of my suspicion. That fellow may be a wrestler, all right, but he’s certainly no lady!” With 99’s help, he got to his feet. “I think I’ll wait until after lunch before I prove the other half, though,” he said. “The next time I get thrown against that door, I want to have more padding inside me. I hope they’re serving something light and fluffy for lunch.”

Max and 99 returned to the line, which had become considerably shorter. As they approached, the burly girls steps back so that they could resume their place.