William Johnston: Max Smart and the Ghastly Ghost Affair

“I was afraid of that,” 99 said, annoyed.

“What was it you were saying about the assignment, Chief?” Max said.

“Oh. . yes. . Well, this assignment-”

“Try the toast, Chief,” 99 interrupted.

Resigned, the Chief picked up a slice of toast and tasted it. “I’m sorry, 99, but it’s a little weak,” he told her.

“I knew it!” she said. “I added too much water.”

“99, would you please let the Chief tell us about the assignment?” Max said.

“I’m sorry,” 99 said. “Go on, Chief.”

“Well, Max. . 99. . we’ve learned that sometime within the next few days every KAOS assassin in the U.S. will be gathered in one place. And-what may be even more important-KAOS’ top international assassin, Arbuthnot, will be there, too. As you can easily see, it will be a golden opportunity for Control.”

Max frowned. “I don’t quite see it, Chief.”

“Max-think. It’s going to be kind of a seminar meeting. In other words, Arbuthnot, the top international assassin, will be lecturing to all the top U.S. assassins on the latest advancements in the assassination game. They’ll all be together for several days, probably. Do you see now why I say it’s a golden opportunity for Control?”

“You mean we’re going to cater it, Chief?”

“No, Max! I mean it’s a golden opportunity for us to eliminate not only all the top U.S. assassins, but also KAOS’ top international assassin! Wouldn’t you call that a golden opportunity?”

“You mean we’re going to assassinate the assassins, Chief?” Max said.

“No. . we won’t do that. Not unless it’s absolutely necessary. We’ll just take them captive, then we’ll reeducate them, so that, from then on, they’ll be harmless.”

“Brainwash them, you mean,” 99 said.

The Chief shook his head. “No, 99, I mean re-educate them. When KAOS does it, it’s brainwashing. When we do it, it’s re-educating.”

99 nodded. “I’ll remember that,” she said. “Where will all these assassins be, Chief?”

“Well. . that, I don’t know,” the Chief replied. “All we know is that the top U.S. assassins have collected here in Washington and that they’re going to take a train to New York this afternoon.”

“That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard of,” Max said.

The Chief and 99 peered at him. “Max, what’s so dumb about taking a train to New York?” the Chief asked.

“It’s as dumb as carrying coals to Newcastle,” Max replied. “There are plenty of trains in New York. Why not get one when they get there, instead of carrying one all the way from Washington. Besides, how will they ever get it on the plane? Isn’t there a limit on the amount of baggage you can-” He suddenly brightened. “Oh! I see. You mean they’re going to ride a train to New York. Why didn’t you say so, Chief? You know, there’s a big difference between-”

“Max!”

“I’m sorry, Chief. But be a little more careful of your wording from now on, will you?”

“I’ll put it this way:” the Chief said. “This afternoon, KAOS’ top U.S. assassins will board a train in Washington that is scheduled to depart for New York. We don’t know what their final destination will be. They might get on the train, and then immediately get off. Or, they might ride it to the first stop. . or the second or third stop. . They might go all the way to New York, then transfer to another train or to a plane or- My point is, the only thing we know for sure about their transportation plans is that they have tickets for that train this afternoon. Is that clear?”

“You certainly go into a lot of detail to say you don’t know anything, Chief,” Max commented. “Too much detail can be confusing, you know. When you have nothing to say, it’s best to say it in the briefest possible way. A tidy mind is a sign of intelligence. I don’t mean to infer by that that you’re not intelligent though. What it probably is, I think, is a basic lack of confidence in your associates’ ability to comprehend. This is indicated by your question as the end of the explanation. You went into all that detail, and you were very explicit about it, and then you said, ‘Is that clear?’ In other words, you were asking us if we understood all the things you had told us. Now, that was hardly necessary. You were so specific about everything, even an idiot would have understood. Yet, you were unable to accept the obvious: that is, the fact that you were speaking to highly-trained, extraordinarily perceptive-”

“Max,” the Chief broke in, “will you just answer the question? Was it clear?”

“Was what clear, Chief?”

The Chief turned to 99. “You understood it, I’m sure,” he said. “Please explain it to Max after you get aboard the train.”

99 nodded. “Of course, Chief.” She indicated his empty cup. “Would you like some more coffee?”

“Yes. . thank you. .”

99 picked up the Chief’s cup and saucer and then started to pick up the coffee urn. But at that instant the Chief’s chair suddenly tipped backwards, flipping him out and across the room. He crashed into a corner, then lay there, stunned.

Max and 99 got up quickly and ran to him.

“Chief! Are you all right?” Max asked.

The Chief opened his eyes. “Yes. .” he replied dimly. “I. . what happened?”

“I’m sorry, Chief. . it was my fault,” 99 said. “I’m still not used to this apartment. Every once in a while, I activate one of Max’s booby traps-unintentionally, of course.” She looked at Max. “What did I do that time?” she asked.

“You broke the electric eye beam when you waved that coffee cup around,” Max explained. “It causes the chair to flip over backwards, usually breaking somebody’s leg.”

“The leg of whoever’s in the chair, you mean?”

“No, the leg of whoever gets hit by whoever’s in the chair,” Max replied. He turned his attention to the Chief once more. “How are your legs, Chief?” he asked.

“I think I survived without any damage,” he replied, getting to his feet.

“That’s a break,” Max said. “Or, to put it another way, that’s not a break.”

Max and 99 helped the Chief back to the chair.

“Do you want that coffee now, Chief?” 99 asked when he was seated again.

“No, no,” he said quickly. “Just let me finish telling you about this assignment so I can get out of here. Now, do you understand what it is you’re supposed to do? I have tickets for you for that train. You’ll go aboard and you’ll try to locate the KAOS assassins. Then-”

“How will we identify them, Chief?” Max asked. “Will they have badges pinned to their lapels?”

“Max, why would they have badges pinned to their- Oh, you mean because they are going to a meeting.” He shook his head. “No, Max, they won’t have badges. I don’t know how you’ll identify them. I don’t have pictures of them, I don’t have descriptions. Nothing. All I know is that they’ll be on that train.”

“I see,” Max nodded. “We’ll have to depend on training and intelligence to spot them.”

“Well. . training, yes,” the Chief replied. “Now-” He suddenly winced and put a hand on his back. “I think I must have sprained something when this chair threw me,” he said.

“Here, Chief,” 99 said, reaching for a pillow on the sofa. “Put this behind your-”

“No, 99!” Max shouted.

But the warning was too late. The chair flipped the Chief foward and he dived across the low table, sending cups and saucers and the coffee urn and toast and coffee and sugar and cream in all directions. He ended up in another corner, stunned.

Max and 99 raced to him.

“Chief-are you all right?” Max asked.