William Johnston: Max Smart and the Ghastly Ghost Affair

They had no trouble locating the train once they reached the station. It had both a number-one-thousand-four-hundred-seventy-six-and a name-The Miami Beach Local.

“Doesn’t this train go to New York?” Max asked the conductor as he and 99 climbed aboard.

“That’s right-it doesn’t,” the conductor, a fat, jolly-looking man with a white beard, replied. “We’re still on the winter schedule. All trains-including New York trains-go to Miami Beach.”

“That’s the first thing about this case that’s made sense,” Max said to 99, leading the way along the corridor to their compartment. “You know who ought to be running this country? The same people who manage the railroads. There’s an old saying: What’s good for the St. Louis, Lackawana, St. Pierre amp; Hudson is good for the St. Louis, Lackawana, St. Pierre amp; Hudson.” He opened the door to the compartment and looked in, then entered, motioning for 99 to follow. “These modern trains are certainly much different from the old ones,” he said approvingly, looking around. “Look-we have our own private coal stove.”

“It’s very nice,” 99 said. “But, Max, I think we ought to start looking for that contingent of KAOS assassins while passengers are still boarding.”

Max looked at her coolly. “99, I’ll make the decisions,” he said. “Not only do I have seniority, but I’m head of the family. And, you are all wrong when you say that passengers are still boarding the train.”

“I am, Max?”

“People are boarding the train,” Max explained. “They don’t become passengers until after they’re on board. See how wrong you were? Will you just let me make the command decisions from now on?”

“Yes, Max.”

“Fine. Now, let’s go start looking for that contingent of KAOS assassins while people are still boarding. And, while we’re doing it, we can also look over the passengers who are already aboard.”

Max and 99 left the compartment and began strolling along the aisle, sizing up the people who were boarding and the passengers who were already aboard.

“Be casual,” Max said to 99. “Make it look as if we’re simply out for a morning constitutional. It’s too bad we didn’t think to bring along a dog to walk.”

“I’m being casual, Max,” 99 said. “You’re the one who looks nervous.”

“I can’t help it,” Max replied. “I think, down deep, I have a guilty conscience about spying. My real philosophy is: what other people do is none of my business.” He held out a hand. “See? I’m shaking like a leaf. Let’s start jogging, 99, so we won’t be so conspicuous.”

“Jogging? Not conspicuous?”

“Everybody jogs these days, 99. But how many people amble up and down the aisle of a train looking for KAOS assassins? If I could only-” He suddenly brightened. “I’ve got it!” To calm himself, he got the Coolidge-head penny from his pocket, and casually flipped it into the air, then caught it, as they proceeded along the aisle.

“Max,” 99 complained, “now you’re making me nervous. I’m afraid you’ll lose that penny. It’s the only way we’ll have of contacting Control once we find out where the KAOS meeting is being held, you know. Without that penny, the whole mission might abort.”

“99, relax,” Max replied reassuringly. “Flipping a coin is as natural to me as eating or sleeping or crossing my toes. I do it without thinking. And, as far as I know, I never miss.”

“Sir!” a voice called.

Max and 99 stopped and looked back. A large, fat, evil-looking man wearing dark glasses was gesturing to Max. “I believe this is yours,” he said. He returned to where Max and 99 were standing and put the Coolidge-head penny into Max’s open hand. “You dropped it as I was passing you,” the man said. Then he turned and continued along the aisle.

“Max. . what was that you were saying?” 99 said.

“Well. . maybe I miss every once in a while,” Max replied. “But in the long run-”

“Not that,” 99 said. “I mean about crossing your toes. Max, that’s not natural. I’ve never heard of anybody who could cross their toes before. Max. . why didn’t you tell me about this before we were married?”

“I’m sorry, 99,” Max replied. “I just didn’t think it was worth mentioning. It comes natural to me, so I thought it was natural for everybody-as natural as being double-jointed.”

“Well. . a lot of people have double-jointed fingers, that’s true,” 99 said.

“Fingers? I’m talking about double-jointed eyelids. Don’t tell me that isn’t natural, either! I’m beginning to won-” Max abruptly interrupted himself, looking thoughtful. “99-that big, fat, evil-looking fellow with the dark glasses. Isn’t that a lot like what a typical KAOS assassin would look like?”

“Max, I think you’re right!” 99 looked up the aisle. “Do you see him? Where did he go?”

“I don’t see him at the moment,” Max replied. “But we know the direction he took-he went forward. And if you go forward on a train, the only other way you can go is backwards. You can’t turn left, and you can’t turn right. And we know he didn’t come back this way. So, if he didn’t stop going forward and reverse his direction and come back this way, then he must be- I’ll tell you what, 99. Let’s just stand right here. Maybe he’ll pass by again.”

99 pointed forward. “All we have to do is go that way-the way he went-Max.”

Max shrugged. “Frankly, it sounds too simple to me. But, I’ll humor you, 99. We’ll go that way.”

Max and 99 started forward, intending to track down the big, fat, evil-looking man in the dark glasses. At that same instant, however, the train began pulling out-and it started with such a jolt that Max and 99 lost their balance and stumbled backwards through seven cars, ending up on the rear observation platform.

“99! Are you all right?”

“Yes, Max,” 99 replied, rising. “How about you?”

Max got to his feet. “I’m not sure yet,” he said. He grimaced, as if exerting great effort. “Yes. . okay down there-my toes still cross,” he reported.

“Is it that difficult, Max?”

“Only when I’m wearing shoes,” he replied. He blinked rapidly. “Yes, I’m okay all over, 99,” he said. “The old eyelids still bend both ways. Now-where were we?”

“On the trail of the big, fat, evil-looking man with the dark glasses,” 99 replied. “Let’s go, Max!”

“Fine. And. . ah, on the way, 99. . ah, would you keep an eye out for a Coolidge-head penny, please. . When the train started, I was yanked right out from under it. It was in mid-flip and- Well, you get the picture.”

“Oh, Max!”

Proceeding slowly, looking into every nook and cranny for the Coolidge-head penny, Max and 99 made their way forward. When they reached the car they had been in when the train started, they found the fat, jolly-looking conductor with the white beard standing in the aisle examining something small in his hand and chuckling.

“Ah. . I wonder. .” Max said. “Is that, by any chance, a Coolidge-head penny?”

The conductor looked disappointed. “Oh, so that’s what it is,” he said. “I guess I was holding it upside down. I thought it was a Lincoln-head penny and Lincoln was wearing a false beard.” He handed the penny to Max.

“A beard that looks like an upside-down Indian head-dress?” Max said.

“Lincoln was a great humorist, you know,” the conductor explained. Then he moved on down the aisle. “Tickets!” he called. “Have your tickets ready!”

Again, Max and 99 moved forward. As before, Max flipped the penny to keep cool. And, once more, watching him flip it, 99 grew increasingly apprehensive.