William Johnston - Max Smart and the Ghastly Ghost Affair

“Sorry. .” 99 said.

They had reached the lounge car. Max and 99 put Arbuthnot in a chair. The the conductor mixed a chocolate soda-straight-and waved it under the master assassin’s nose. He stirred. His eyes opened. After a sip of the chocolate soda he regained full consciousness. But when he saw Max and 99 he looked as if he were going to faint again.

“Get away!” he shrieked at Max and 99. “I don’t want your Control germs!”

The conductor took Max and 99 to the far end of the car. “Stay right here,” he ordered. “Arbuthnot’s got a thing about germs. He’s a regular nut on the subject. You ought to see him when he starts out on an assignment to assassinate somebody. He puts on a face mask and rubber gloves and sterilizes his gun or knife or poison-as the case may be-and-”

“Come back here!” Arbuthnot called to the conductor. “Do you want to catch something!”

The conductor left Max and 99 at the end of the car and walked back to where Arbuthnot was seated.

“Well,” Arbuthnot called to Max and 99, “so you were sent by Control to follow us and locate our secret meeting place, were you?”

“Sorry,” Max shouted back, “but that’s Classified information.”

“Which?” Arbuthnot asked. “That you were sent by Control? Or that you were sent to locate our secret meeting place?”

“Both,” Max replied.

“Shall I take them to lunch in the dining car?” the conductor asked Arbuthnot.

“No-we’ll keep them alive,” Arbuthnot replied. “We’ll use them as hostages in case Control happens to find out where we’re holding our secret meeting. When we get-”

The train suddenly jerked to a halt. Max and 99 were thrown against the end of the car, and Arbuthnot and the conductor were hurled down the aisle and ended up in a tangle with Max and 99.

“Get me out of this!” Arbuthnot screeched. “I’m getting their germs all over me! Ugh!” In panic, he scrambled out of the tangle, then raced to the other end of the car and huddled in a corner. There, crouching, he got out a spray bottle and began spraying the surrounding air and himself with disinfectant.

Max and 99 were so fascinated by Arbuthnot’s performance that they made no effort to try to escape. As a result, the conductor was able to disentangle himself and get the drop on them again.

The train began moving once more.

“Well. . that went pretty smoothly,” the conductor said, pleased.

“Smoothly?” Max said. “That was the roughest whatever-it-was I’ve ever experienced. What was it?”

“We just switched from the main track to a side track,” the conductor replied. “The side track will take us to the secret meeting place. Nobody will know where we are.”

“I doubt that,” Max said. “Won’t the railroad miss the train when it doesn’t arrive at its destination?”

“They’ll just think it’s late,” the conductor replied. “Who ever heard of a train arriving at its destination on time?”

“You’re probably right about that,” Max admitted. “But the place this track takes the train to-won’t the people there be a little suspicious of a train that arrives with only two passengers and a crew of fumblethumbs running it?”

The conductor grinned broadly. “Boy, are you in for a surprise!” he said.

Again, the train suddenly halted. Max and 99 and the conductor were thrown against the end of the car once more. Arbuthnot, however, flattened himself in the aisle this time, avoiding being hurled the length of the car.

“All out for Los Angeles!” the conductor shouted, rising. “End of the line! All out for Los Angeles!”

“Los Angeles?” 99 said doubtfully, as she and Max got to their feet. “You mean we traveled all the way across the country in that short time? I don’t believe it.”

“Not that Los Angeles,” the conductor explained. “This is the other Los Angeles.”

“Get them out of here!” Arbuthnot bellowed from the other end of the car. “I want to fumigate the place!”

The conductor gestured to Max and 99 with his pistol. As they left the car, they saw Arbuthnot beginning to spray the interior with the disinfectant.

“Max! Look!” 99 said, as they stepped down from the car. “It’s-It’s- It’s a ghost town!”

“Yes,” Max said, looking around at the deserted streets and ramshackle buildings. He turned to the conductor. “Well, you were certainly right-I am surprised. Where are we?”

“I told you-this is the other Los Angeles,” the conductor replied. “This, in fact, is the original. A bunch of people from Iowa and Nebraska settled here a long time ago and named the place Los Angeles. But they found out they were too far from the freeways, so they moved out west and took the name with them.” He chuckled. “But, the joke was on them,” he continued. “They found out when they got out there that they couldn’t get their covered wagons onto the freeways, anyway. The car traffic was too heavy-you know?”

Arbuthnot appeared in the doorway of the car. He looked down at the dusty street. “Eeeeeek!” he screeched. He tossed the spray bottle to the conductor. “Disinfect it!” he commanded.

The conductor sprayed the dust. Then he started to toss the spray bottle back to Arbuthnot.

“Wait!” Arbuthnot shouted. “It’s covered with your germs!” he said. He got out another spray bottle and lobbed it to the conductor. “Disinfect it first,” he ordered.

The conductor sprayed the first spray bottle with spray from the second spray bottle, then tossed it to Arbuthnot. He kept the second spray bottle because by then, of course, it was loaded with germs.

“I won’t set a foot in that filthy place until it’s sprayed,” Arbuthnot said. “Take the prisoners with you and disinfect the whole town. When you’re finished, signal, and we’ll all meet at the saloon.”

Max and 99 were marched off by the conductor. They met the other assassins, who were descending from the engine. Then, from the baggage car, the conductor got a case of spray bottles. He handed them out and the assassins dispersed and began disinfecting the buildings and the streets.

The conductor put Max and 99 to work spraying the hotel, while he followed along behind, holding his pistol on them. They disinfected the lobby, then the dining room, then the kitchen. After that, they went upstairs and disinfected all the bedrooms. Then they left the hotel and crossed the street to the saloon. The other assassins, save for one, were waiting for them.

“Where’s Fred?” the conductor asked.

No one knew.

“Oh, well, he’ll be along,” the conductor said. He raised his pistol and fired a shot, signalling to Arbuthnot.

From overhead there was a scream.

“That was Fred,” one of the assassins said. “I forgot-he said he was going up to spray the roof.”

The conductor frowned. “I wonder how that’ll read on my record?” he said. “Is it a plus or a minus if you assassinate one of your own men?”

That started a discussion among the assassins. But it was interrupted a few minutes later by the arrival of Arbuthnot.

“Spray the prisoners again,” Arbuthnot ordered from the doorway.

The conductor disinfected Max and 99 once more.

Arbuthnot sniffed the air. “Good,” he said. “Not a living germ within miles, now.” He entered the saloon and began looking around. There was a long bar with a long mirror behind it and a number of tables and chairs. The walls were elaborately panelled. The floor was made of wide planks that had large cracks between them.

As Arbuthnot inspected the premises, the other assassins watched him closely, waiting for his judgment. The conductor kept the spray bottle poised, ready to disinfect anything that might elicit his displeasure. Max and 99 stood apart from the others.