Рита Браун - Sneaky Pie For President

“She’s adorable,” the young woman said in her light, beguiling accent.

The C.O. would have argued that point, but not now. She knelt down, picked up the dog, tucked her under one arm, and with her other hand fished in the pocket of her summer skirt, pulling out a card.

“Ma’am, please call me.” She handed the lady her card and addressed her family and friends. Virginia hospitality always made her friends. “Please let me make this up to you all. I would love to have you all out to the farm for a celebration dinner. My friends would be happy to meet you.” She paused. “There are a lot of other animals.”

They smiled politely. The young woman petted Tally, then hugged the C.O. She was so thrilled to be a new American. “I will,” she said.

The people began to walk down and away from Monticello. The citizens and families headed for the director’s house. The horses hung their heads over the fence line.

All the way back, the C.O. seemed preoccupied with how she could apologize to Leslie. She met up with Liz Blaine, the right-hand person at Monticello.

Not one iota of shame, Tally greeted her. “Hello, Miss Liz.”

Liz couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re in the doghouse.”

Back up at Monticello, the mice emerged from the dome. Some hurried down to a good high spot where they’d have a commanding view of Sneaky’s much-anticipated speech. Others, using claws, perched atop the dome. The humans lagging behind the departing crowd didn’t notice them.

The birds moved closer, and Art, the Red-shouldered Hawk, had flown up from the farm. Hawks had a large cruising range. Chipmunks appeared. The squirrels sat on tree branches. One by one, dogs had been arriving from the farms surrounding Monticello.

Once the people left, Sneaky and Pewter backed down the tree. Tucker crawled out from the bushes.

The tiger cat raced to the dais and climbed up to the lectern. The microphone was easily swung over the top of the podium, where she now sat.

Sneaky Pie looked out over the assembled animals and began: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all living creatures are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.—That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Sentient Creatures, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed,—That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the Living to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.”

The animals listened intently. Not one little peep or squeak punctuated the address.

Sneaky Pie continued: “Friends, on this Fourth of July, I wish to announce my candidacy for the presidency. I promise with the help of Providence to establish and maintain a natural balance between all living creatures: predator and prey. I promise to cherish the earth, the waters, and the air. I cannot promise to end human wars, but I can work mightily to avoid them. I promise hope for the young and comfort for the aged. For all of us in between those two poles, I promise a great common cause, first expressed by the human who lived here: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

The animals applauded in their individual fashion. This message would be carried, like all great messages, from living creature to living creature. Powerful as the electronic media is in all its forms, nothing great happens without the spark of hope being passed from one creature to another.

Having arrived at her empty truck, the C.O. came searching for the rest of her family, accompanied by the pest Tally herself.

Upon reaching the back of Monticello, Tally raced away, yelling at the top of her lungs “Vice president. I’ll make a great vice president.”

Sneaky calmly announced to the crowd, “Please take into account that she is a Jack Russell and this is my human. As for a running mate, I have much to consider. I do not, however, think it will be a Jack Russell.”

A murmur of approval followed this; the mice especially liked the statement.

The human stopped in her tracks, saw the animals gathered behind her tiger cat at the microphone. Something was occurring, but she couldn’t grasp it. She did, however, hear, “Meow. Meow.”

She noticed the mice on the dome. She looked at the large number of squirrels, birds, and the farm dogs. She saw the raptor Art near the dais, high in the closest tree. He was a big fellow.

She smiled as she looked around. “I guess we’re all Americans celebrating the Fourth of July.”

Because the microphone picked up what she had said, a louder murmur followed this, which surprised the C.O.

Looking down at her human, Sneaky said to the gathered masses, “There is hope!”

Campaign Platform

You can check up on me at my website,

www.catprez.com

or my Facebook page,

www.facebook.com/sneakypiebrown

I promise never to lie to you.

I promise to reduce the tax burden on humans by utilizing a flat tax and closing all loopholes.

Any human over the age of ninety need not pay federal income taxes.

For animals who have served in the military, I promise retirement pay, and a discount at the veterinarian’s office.

For humans I promise they get to deduct veterinary bills.

I promise to work extra hard to see that veterinary schools receive important federal grants for research.

I pledge the use of abandoned federal buildings for homeless animals. This also includes farmland for abandoned quadrupeds.

I promise federal research money to study the effect of birdsong on human well-being. In England there is such a study at the University of Surrey. We need one here. Humans need emotional help.

In accordance with that need, I will strongly suggest that humans learn about animal languages and needs, beginning in grade school. Respect for all creatures starts young.

Campaign Promises

The centerpiece of my administration will be the responsible use of the environment for all living creatures, and this includes the plant kingdom—they, too, are alive.

Given the state of human mental health, my administration will make every effort to substitute drug therapies with animal companion therapies, even if this means special programs to teach those in need how to care for and live with cats, dogs, horses, birds, et cetera. Anything to get humans off chemical dependencies is a good thing.

I will increase the prestige and the power of the Department of Agriculture, as well as the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. If need be, I will work hard to remove overlap, streamline agencies, or collapse competing bureaus into one bureau.

Along with using discarded federal buildings for abandoned animals, I will do the same for abandoned and mistreated children. In my state of Virginia, the best-managed state in the Union (it almost always is), one out of eleven children has slept on the street. This is unforgivable.

I believe in the separation of the church and state, first expressed for the colony of Virginia by James Madison. You practice your faith and I will practice mine.

I will appoint a pack rat to the Federal Reserve. He or she should steady the humans.

I will ensure that humans respect each species’ various mating patterns. On this same subject, I will strongly advise most cats and dogs to be neutered or spayed.

I believe any human running for public office at the state and national level should also be neutered or spayed. It will focus the men and calm the women.