Janet Evanovich - Wicked Business

Glo looked down at herself. “What’s a turgid nipple? Is it good?”

Mrs. Kramer bustled into the bakery. “There’s a strange man outside singing about turgid nipples.” She looked at Glo. “I think he’s singing about your turgid nipples.”

Glo stormed out of the bakery and yelled at Hatchet. “Stop it this instant. You have no business singing about my nipples. You’ve never even seen them. And besides, nipples are private. How would you like it if I sang songs about your johnson?”

“I would like it,” Hatchet said.

“If you keep this up, I’m going to turn Broom loose on you.”

“How doth my johnson love thee?” Hatchet sang. “Let me count the ways. Upside down and round and round…”

Glo stomped back into the bakery and slammed the door shut.

“I’d like a loaf of seeded rye, sliced,” Mrs. Kramer said. “And two strawberry cupcakes.”

Diesel rolled into the bakery at noon, looking fresh as a daisy.

“You slept all morning, didn’t you?” I asked him.

“Not all morning.” He helped himself to coffee. “I see you have a minstrel today. I had my window down when I drove by, and he was singing about Glo’s fuzzy peach cheeks.”

Glo opened the bakery door and threw a bagel at Hatchet. It hit him in the head and knocked his hat off.

“Stop it!” Glo shouted at him. “I hate you.”

Mr. Ryan followed Glo back inside. “Do you have any cheese Danish left?”

“Sure,” Glo said. “How many would you like?”

“I hate to take you away from all this fun,” Diesel said, “but I have a meeting set up with Anarchy, and I need you to come with me.”

“Now?”

“I’m meeting her in the parking lot of the Waterfront Hotel. It shouldn’t take long. I’ll bring you back here after.”

I looked over at Clara. “Is that okay?”

“Yes. You’re done baking, and you can do cleanup when you get back. Take whatever time you need.”

“I’d really appreciate it if you’d jump the curb and run over Hatchet for me,” Glo said.

Diesel smiled at her. “He’s in love.”

I changed out of my chef coat, grabbed my shoulder bag, and we went out to the car.

“Why do I have to go with you? Do you need a witness to the defusing?”

“I’m not doing any defusing. The request has been withdrawn.”

“Why?”

“I suspect it has to do with Wulf. Technically, Anarchy has his power, and maybe he thinks he can get it back somehow.”

“Can’t you take it away from her and give it back to Wulf?”

“That’s not in my skill set.”

“Then why are we meeting with her?”

“I spoke to her this morning and told her we were ready to trade her half of the tablet for the real stone.”

“You don’t have the real stone.”

“She doesn’t know that,” Diesel said.

“When she finds out she’s been tricked again, she’s going to burn my house down.”

“Honey, she was going to burn your house down anyway.”

I felt my face screw up into a grimace.

“Don’t look so worried,” Diesel said. “I won’t let her burn your house down. Where would I sleep? Where would I eat?”

“Your own apartment?”

Diesel turned off Derby Street into the hotel parking lot. This was the middle of October, and it was crazy time in Salem. The streets were packed with gawkers, zombies, witches, and ghouls arriving early for Halloween. They came by chartered bus, hired limo, junker, and SUV. They mingled with the locals, some of whom already were a little nutty on their own, in the bars and shops, and they marched in the streets.

About twenty zombies were gathered in front of the hotel, most likely waiting for a tour bus. Anarchy was standing apart, closer to the waterfront, and she looked more like one of the zombies than like Dierdre Early. She was dressed in something Catwoman might wear, except without the mask with the ears. Her short black hair was slicked back. Her lips were bloodred. Her eyes were black-rimmed with heavy liner, and some of it had smeared. Hard to tell if the smears were by accident or design.

“Do you have a rock for her?” I asked him.

“It’s here on the console.”

I looked at the rock. It was very similar to the real thing. Smooth, small, brown.

“This is the wrong rock,” I said to him. “Her last rock looked like this, and she smashed it with a hammer.” I searched in my bag for the crystal I’d picked up in the grotto. “She can’t tell if the rock is empowered, and she doesn’t really know what it’s supposed to look like.” I found the crystal and held it out to him. “I put this in my purse just in case we needed it. Give her something pretty that looks like it would have some value.”

“Smart,” Diesel said. “I like it.”

We parked and walked over to Anarchy, and the closer we got, the creepier she looked. There was a quality to her face that whispered hysteria. Her pupils were shrunken to pinpoints. Her mouth was hard and compressed. Her manicure was perfect.

“I told you she got a manicure,” I whispered to Diesel.

We stopped a few feet from her. “Do you have the tablet?” Diesel asked.

She reached into her black leather bag and took the cracked half of the tablet out.

“Well?” Diesel asked me.

I put my fingertip to the engraved piece of marble. “Affirmative.”

“Do you have the stone?” Anarchy asked.

Diesel held the crystal in the palm of his hand for her to see.

“How do I know this is real?” Anarchy asked.

“Doesn’t it look real?” I asked her. “It’s beautiful. It has the power of the crystal. Touch it. You’ll be able to feel the heat.”

She touched the stone. “I can feel it! It’s warm.”

It was warm because it had been in Diesel’s hot hand, but no need to go into details. Anarchy gave Diesel the tablet, and he gave her the stone.

“So you’re not going to burn my house down, right?” I asked her.

“I couldn’t be bothered,” Anarchy said. “Your house is inconsequential.”

“Absolutely,” I said. “It’s not worth your time. Just checking.”

We returned to the Aston Martin and watched the zombies step single file into a trolley.

“They’re good zombies,” Diesel said. “Orderly.”

Hatchet was gone when Diesel dropped me off at the bakery. Clara was taking refrigerator and storage cabinet inventory. Glo was tidying up the glass cases in the front shop. And I had my station to clean. I tied an apron around myself and got to work, enjoying the tedium and satisfaction of the job. Saving the world gets old pretty quick. I’d rather scrub a cake pan any day of the week. Although it was sort of fun to see Anarchy get excited about the crystal. I’d almost wished it was real.

The front door jingled, and a moment later, Glo appeared, wide-eyed and breathless.

“He’s here! In the shop!”

“Who?” Clara asked.

“Wulf,” Glo said. “He wants to talk to Lizzy.”

I dried my hands and went out front, keeping the counter between Wulf and me. I assumed he was still in a weakened condition, but I didn’t know exactly what that meant, because he didn’t look weak. He was in his usual perfectly tailored black, and he looked as powerful as ever.

“Walk with me,” he said.

I followed him outside and around the corner, where the foot traffic was nonexistent.

“I’m in your debt,” Wulf said. “I’m giving the stone back to you as partial payment.”

I took the stone and my purse from him and felt the power radiate up my arm. “I’m happy to get the stone back, but you don’t owe me anything.”

“I owe you my life. Unfortunately, your selfless act seems to have changed the stone. Whether it’s changed it completely and permanently remains to be seen. For now, it appears to have lost much of its intriguing evil properties of lustful wanting and gained the undesirable ability to make some people believe in true love.”