Belinda Bauer - Blacklands

By the time the hole was half dug, Steven knew he would carry on, even when the point was not merely to keep himself warm.

Digging had given his life purpose. It was a small, feeble purpose and was unlikely to end in anything more than a gradual tapering off into nothingness.

But purpose was something, wasn’t it?

A small, mean voice somewhere nagged that it meant nothing. It all meant nothing.

But there was another, stronger voice in Steven. It had no answers, only another question, but it was this question that kept him digging until well after an unseen sun set in the invisible sky.

If it all meant nothing, why did it matter so much?

“STEVEN! BREAKFAST!”

“I’m coming!” Steven’s hands shook as he opened the letter from the serial killer.

Steven turned the page over with trembling hands and held it up to the light. Nothing. The paper was cheap and thin—no impressions could have been scored into it. He turned the toilet light on, but there was no mark on the reverse of the letter.

Steven frowned. What was the point of Avery writing back if he was not going to help him? Avery’s previously neat and even handwriting had been replaced by an uneven script, dashed off carelessly, using inappropriate capital letters.

“STEVEN!!”

“COMING!!”

From his reading he knew that serial killers liked to play games—first with their victims and then with the police. They liked to show off. From what he could tell, that was how most of them were caught. If they were caught.

Maybe Avery just liked getting letters and was tempting him to keep writing.

But then surely he would make more of an effort to lure his correspondent into a reply this time?

Steven couldn’t work out whether thanking him for his “great letter” was sarcastic or not. He’d be the first to admit that his letter had not been top-drawer stuff, but if Avery had found and understood the clue, then maybe he thought that was pretty great. Maybe that thing about time and tide meant Steven was right to be asking these questions right now. But if Avery had found the clue, why had he not responded in the same way with a map? Or—

Steven jumped as the toilet door banged open. His mother was red in the face from running upstairs.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Mum! I’m on the toilet!”

Lettie looked down at him. “With your trousers up? I’ve been yelling at you for ten minutes!”

She noticed the letter in his left hand.

“What’s that?”

Steven reddened and folded it. “Nothing.” He looked at his mother and saw an expression of flinty patience come over her face. She wasn’t going to let it go.

“Just a letter.”

“Who from?”

Steven writhed under her stare.

“Give it here.”

She held out her hand.

Steven didn’t move but when Lettie reached down and took the letter from him, he didn’t have the guts to actively resist her.

Lettie unfolded the letter and read it. She was quiet for a lot longer than it could possibly have taken to read it, and Steven looked up at her apprehensively. Lettie was staring at the letter as if it contained hidden instructions on how she should react. She turned it over briefly and Steven thanked god that AA had not scored a map into the reverse.

After what seemed like aeons, Lettie suddenly handed it back to him.

“Come down right now.”

Steven was stunned. He followed her down the stairs and into the kitchen, where a bowl of Cheerios softened in the milk.

Nan folded her arms and glared at him.

“Where was he, then?”

“In the loo.”

Nan snorted as if she knew what boys his age did in the loo and it had very little to do with what any decent person would be doing in there. Steven started to redden at the mere thought and Nan snorted again—her lowest expectations confirmed.

“Oh, leave him alone, Mum.”

Steven was so surprised that he bit down painfully on the bowl of his spoon. Davey looked up from his cereal, but was immediately intimidated back to it by Nan’s furious glare.

Breakfast passed in silence. Steven washed up his bowl and spoon and left for school with the killer’s letter in his pocket.

The hoodies caught him at the school gates. They came out of nowhere, twisting his arms up behind his back and pushing his head down so that he stumbled and nearly fell. Vaguely he heard Chantelle Cox say, “Leave him alone,” compounding the humiliation of the assault.

“Get his lunch money.”

“I don’t have lunch money. I bring sandwiches.”

“What, Snuffles?” Someone pulled his head up by the hair so they could hear him, another was patting him down like a police academy graduate.

“I bring sandwiches.”

The boy holding his hair shook him; Steven gritted his teeth. He felt his backpack being unzipped and was tugged off balance as they rummaged inside. He felt like an antelope brought down by wild dogs, feeling the pack starting to eat him alive. Books, papers, pens—all scattered at his feet as they tore at this thing still attached to him—still part of him. He felt sick.

Suddenly his lunch box was under his chin, the lid peeled back. He could smell the fish paste and his eyes pricked with humiliation.

“No cake?”

They all laughed. Steven said nothing.

“Hungry?”

“No.”

“He’s hungry.”

A grimy hand picked up a sandwich and rammed it at his mouth. He tried to twist away from them and keep his mouth shut, but a sharp pain in his leg made him cry out, and the sandwich filled his mouth like a fish-flavored sponge, expanding, choking.

Steven coughed.

“ Fucking hell!!” The boy with the grimy hands wiped wet bread off his face while his mates laughed at him.

“It’s not fucking funny!” He ground the lunch box into Steven’s face—the apple hitting him in the eye, the other fish paste sandwich forcing its way up his nose and crushing his lip, with the fake-Tupperware edges a surprisingly painful follow-up.

And suddenly the box clattered to the ground and they were gone, melting into the stream of children in their black and red jumpers as the vague figure of a teacher moved towards Steven.

He winced as the blood rushed back into his arms.

“Are you all right?”

Blood leaked saltily into Steven’s mouth from his broken lip.

“Yes, miss.”

Mrs. O’Leary regarded Steven. She knew he was in one of her classes, but she couldn’t for the life of her remember his name. The boy looked like a fool. He was red in the face, with deep purple marks squared on his skin by the lunch box. Half a sandwich stuck to his forehead and his cheeks were smeared with butter. He had a black eye coming and smelled of fish. It was this that made the connection for her. This was the boy who smelled like mildew. Any sympathy she’d had for him was now replaced by slight distaste. Mildew and fish. She became brusque.

“Pick your things up, then, Simon. The bell’s gone.”

“Yes, miss.”

She didn’t know him.

It cut him to the core.

He was the boy who wrote authentic letters! My grandmother choked on your fillit! The Nintendo you sent was the best present ever! I won a trophy for being the most curteus soccer player!

Steven wondered fleetingly whether Mrs. O’Leary would remember him if he told her that he’d written to a serial killer for help in finding the corpse of his dead child-uncle. He swallowed the words miserably. She’d only remember him then as a liar—a macabre fantasist. Or worse, she’d believe him and call a halt to his correspondence. It was a no-win situation.