Victor Pelevin - Helmet of Horror

UGLI 666

We get distracted. Make too much fuss. Talk off the point, all this stuff about Versailles and Mona Lisa.

IsoldA

Ugly, you don’t mind us living here, do you?

UGLI 666

This time it was Ariadne who blurted everything out. That’s why he gave us the slip.

Monstradamus

What do you suggest?

UGLI 666

Not to tell him anything.

Nutscracker

That’s going too far. Then how will he find out he’s wearing a helmet? We can’t put something that doesn’t exist on his head just like that. We have to explain. And it’s best to start from childhood. Not so he understands everything, though, just enough for him to do it all to himself. Ariadne’s our best guide round the labyrinth. She’s very skilful at it.

UGLI 666

Nutcracker, you’re talking about what she ought to do. I’m talking about what she’s already done. And anyway, I beg your pardon, but what has skill got to do with it? The labyrinth is any route the Helmholz has been led along.

Monstradamus

That’s right, any route. But it seems like a very long time since anyone walked round your route, Ugly.

Sartrik

What … What route is that?

Monstradamus

Back with us again, hero? Ladies and gents, a joke. Imagine Sartrik wakes up with a massive hangover. He can’t remember anything about the previous day. There’s a pool of blood beside him. He’s surrounded by a labyrinth. But there’s no Minotaur anywhere. Sartrik raises his eyes to the ceiling and whispers in horror: ‘I killed him … Killed him and ate him …’

IsoldA

What’s funny about that? That’s exactly how it happened.

UGLI 666

Your joke’s older than the labyrinth, Monstradamus. Let’s discuss the serious situation we’re in. Some day Ariadne will be the death of us.

IsoldA

Stop stirring things up, Ugly. It’s not Ariadne’s fault at all. Sartrik blurted it all out in a drunken stupor.

Sartrik

You always blame everything on Sartrik.

IsoldA

You should be xxx to xxx. Why did you butt in? What for? Lousy drunk.

Monstradamus

But how did he actually find out the Name?

UGLI 666

Ariadne gave away the whole thing to him in so many words.

Nutscracker

Then why hasn’t he dissolved the lot of us if he knows the Name?

Monstradamus

He has. It just seems to us in here that he’s dissolved himself.

UGLI 666

Ariadne, maybe you can explain what made you like him more than us?

Ariadne

Oh, go to hell. You can lead him round the labyrinth instead of me.

UGLI 666

I’ll come back to you about this. I’ll show you up for what you are.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I don’t understand – who’s responsible? Ariadne or Sartrik?

UGLI 666

Ariadne’s to blame. She was beside Theseus in the MINOTAUR and they got too cosy.

Ariadne

You be careful who you go yapping at. Or you’ll wind up lost forever in that cathedral of yours, get it? You’re here on my thread. And there isn’t any other.

UGLI 666

Did you all hear that? Did you hear it? Papa, have you thought where we’ll all end up when she goes running off to that snake?

Nutscracker

Don’t be such a Cassandra.

Organizm(-:

What are we going to do here now?

Monstradamus

What are we going to do? Carry on with the discourse.

Nutscracker

I know that. But in what capacity?

Monstradamus

You’ve only got the capacity for doing one thing, Nutcracker. Staring into that screen, like Pavlov’s bitch gazing into Tarkovsky’s mirror.

Nutscracker

I mean, who are we going to be?

Ariadne

Papa will tell us that now.

Nutscracker

How …

Monstradamus:PRE PARSIPHAE HUM HUM MINOSAUR

IsoldA:PRE PARSIPHAE HUM HUM MINOSAUR

Nutscracker:PRE PARSIPHAE HUM HUM MINOSAUR

Organizm(-: PRE PARSIPHAE HUM HUM MINOSAUR

Sartrik:PRE PARSIPHAE HUM HUM MINOSAUR

Monstradamus

No, anything but that! No!

Nutscracker

What? What? No I don’t want that either. Nobody does. But why? Why?

UGLI 666

Stay calm.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Don’t panic.

Organizm(-:

Stay calm …

Monstradamus

Please, no!

UGLI 666

Just relax. You’re our head, and that goes through first.

Monstradamus:Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a!

IsoldA:Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a!

Nutscracker:Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a!

Organizm(-: Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a!

Sartrik:Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a!

Ariadne:Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a!

UGLI 666:Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a!

Romeo-y-Cohiba:Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a! Wha-a-a!

Ariadne

Hi, little brother. My, but you’re ugly.

Organizm(-:

So what, now we’ll be the Minosaur. The ancient serpent.

UGLI 666

We always were, heh-heh. That human stuff was nothing but a nuisance. And all that bovine stuff too.

Organizm(-:

We’ll be a dragon. We’ll fly up to the clouds and dive down to the bottom of the sea. Maybe now things really will be easier.

Monstradamus

Easier? But we’ve got Sartrik stuck right in the middle of us. Now we’ll feel like puking all the time. Constantly. No matter how deep we dive, no matter who we pretend to be. Even Lolita, even a Rolls-Royce.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

But what if Sartrik hits the drink so hard that he slips the hook too?

Nutscracker

Let’s not have any gloom and doom. The helmet isn’t coming off.

Organizm(-:

But Theseus took it off.

Nutscracker

Maybe he never even put it on. Otherwise where could he have got to? There’s no way out of there. There’s nothing but jeeps, surf and sunshine. And horror, of course. And I’m not just guessing, I’m speaking as a professional.

IsoldA

But where is he now?

Nutscracker

What does it matter to us? There’s no stopping him now.

Monstradamus:I feel sick, xxx.

IsoldA:I feel sick, xxx.

Nutscracker:I feel sick, xxx.

Organizm(-: I feel sick, xxx.

Sartrik:I feel sick, xxx.

Ariadne:I feel sick, xxx. It’s time to get out of here …

UGLI 666:I feel sick, xxx.

Romeo-y-Cohiba:I feel sick, xxx.

Sartrik

And my stomach’s rumbling, xxx. Listen, Monstradamus. There’s one thing I still don’t get. Where did all this happen?

Monstradamus

Are you really that stupid or can you just not sober up? In the helmet of horror.

Sartriks

Oh. And who to?

Monstradamus