Victor Pelevin - Helmet of Horror

Nutscracker

Just a dead-end?

Monstradamus

That’s all there is.

Nutscracker

All there is?

Monstradamus

Well, not quite. There’s a table standing against the wall directly under the seal. And a stool by the table. And on the table there’s a blank sheet of paper, a pencil and a pistol with a single bullet.

Nutscracker

What about the labyrinth?

Monstradamus

I think that starts afterwards.

Organizm(-:

Truly magnificent simplicity and elegance.

Monstradamus

There’s nothing for you to be envious of. You’ve got a dead-end too, only it’s longer and it has plywood partitions. And Nutcracker’s got a television instead of plywood. We’ve all got dead-ends. Only it’s not obvious straightaway, it just takes a little while.

Nutscracker

Maybe that’s the whole point – whether it’s obvious straightaway or not. Don’t you think the ‘little while’ it takes might just be life?

Monstradamus

Maybe so. But I’m fed up of these labyrinths you can’t get lost in or escape from. And all these Minotaurs with horns on their xxx who promise to lead us out to the stars in just a moment. I wonder what Theseus will see instead of all this. I’d give a lot to find out.

Nutscracker

What do you care what he’ll see?

Monstradamus

IMHO, Nutcracker, the possibility of escape is determined by whether you can see the way out or not.

Nutscracker

I already told you, for the Helmholtz that’s not exactly the way it is. The Helmholtz can see anything you like. Even the plan of his own helmet. For all the good it will do him.

Monstradamus

What I wonder is, has he got a head on his shoulders or a helmet of horror? Hey, Theseus! I know you can hear me!

Nutscracker

To be honest, Monstradamus, I used to think you were Theseus.

Organizm(-:

I was convinced Monstradamus was the Minotaur.

Monstradamus

I already told you, it all depends on which part of the separator labyrinth the bubble of hope was in when it burst.

Sartrik

Didn’t you ever think I was Theseus?

Nutscracker

Well hello, Sartrik! You know, not even once …

Organizm(-:

Somehow the idea never entered my head.

Sartrik

Organism, it’s clear from your userpic that you’re queer. Just look at that guilty smile and that gaping xxx.

Organizm(-:

That’s it, I’m going. You can talk to him.

Nutscracker

Sartrik, that isn’t a userpic. Perhaps we can call it a dialogue header. And that isn’t a gaping xxx, it’s a capital ‘O’.

Sartrik

Monstradamus just said – right? – that everything is determined by what you see. I take that to mean that if someone can see the answer to the most important question of all, then he is Theseus. Am I right, Monstradamus?

Monstradamus

Possibly. But exactly what is the most important question of all?

Sartrik

Let me explain. Have you noticed that we never exist simultaneously, only by turns?

Monstradamus

An interesting observation. You mean the writing on the screen?

Sartrik

I mean in general. Since you didn’t understand the question, I’ll ask it a different way. The helmet of horror is a machine. What does it run on? What does it have instead of petrol?

Nutscracker

He’s lost it, Monster. Delirium tremens . He needs a drip installed.

Monstradamus

Wait, Nutcracker. So what does it have instead of petrol?

Nutscracker

Vodka?

Sartrik

Why vodka? Do you think I’m a drunken xxx and I don’t understand a thing? Instead of petrol it has Theseus.

Monstradamus

Explain that, please.

Sartrik

You remember Ariadne looking into the mirror and seeing that hat with a veil, and afterwards she realised it was the helmet of horror? The petrol that the whole deal was running on was her, get it? Everything’s made out of the person who sees it. Because it can’t possibly be made out of anything else. Without the person there won’t be any hat or any veil, or any lilies-of-the-valley. Nothing. Get it? Theseus is the one who looks into the mirror, and the Minotaur is the one he sees, because he’s wearing a helmet of horror.

Monstradamus

You mean to say the Minotaur is just an illusion?

Sartrik

If you listened to what I’m saying, then you’d know what I’m trying to say. He sees this bronze phizog with horns on it because he sees himself in the mirror through the holes. Without Theseus there is no xxx Minotaur.

Nutscracker

Did you get that, Monster?

Monstradamus

Naturally. If you put on a Batman mask and look in the mirror, you’ll see Batman. But the mask will never see itself.

Sartrik

That’s it. The helmet of horror is simply the reflection that Theseus sees, and that’s all. But if he decides there really is a Minotaur and starts swearing blind at him and discussing the meaning of life with him, well that’s when the Minotaur appears. And how! And then there’s no way to get the helmet of horror off again. Get it now, you vermin? I know everything.

Nutscracker

I bet you he can see little pink Minotaurs running round the room. Now that’s the kind of labyrinth I understand! And no need to bother going anywhere.

Monstradamus

And why are we vermin?

Sartrik

Because you’re all nothing but bits and pieces of the helmet of horror. I figured that out ages ago. And that’s the real xxx killer, when you realise that absolutely everybody – all your friends and all your enemies – are just little bits and pieces! I’m not talking about you. Meaning you’re not my friends. And not my enemies. But you’re bits and pieces, all right. You, Monstradamus, and you, Nutcracker – you’re the horns. You’ll stick out a bit too far some day. Ariadne’s the labyrinth, but she’s not such a bad girl, she’s okay. Ugly’s the past that makes me want to puke. And Organism’s the future, that makes me want to puke five times worse. Who’s left? Romeo and that Isolde of his? They’re the double xxx that’s cooking up the whole xxx mess.

Nutscracker

And so you’re Theseus?

Sartrik

Yes. Because I never talk to you.

Nutscracker

What’s your proof?

Sartrik

That you’re all nothing but shadows, I’m the only one here that’s alive. You’re nothing but shackles on the convolutions of my brain. All your Rolls-Royces and Lolitas, Ferraris and Berlusconis, all your shaved and scented glamour, your magic wonderland TV quizzes, where you get shafted up the xxx every day underneath the money tree – you made it all out of my head! You do all that out of my head, and I’m nothing to you, but you’re the entire deal for me, eh? In my xxx head! But I’ll dump you all.

Nutscracker

Monster, maybe you understood some of that?

Monstradamus

I might have. But I’m not a hundred per cent certain.

Nutscracker