Victor Pelevin - Helmet of Horror

Monstradamus

That’s an interesting subject. How angels sleep.

Ariadne

Probably like bats, on a coral perch. And they have special gold hooks on their slippers.

Monstradamus

Perhaps. Only they hang head-up, because they aren’t attracted by the earth’s gravity, only by the love of the Lord. Like Ugly said. Angels are non-material beings.

Organizm(-:

Then how did they manage to choose wives for themselves from among the daughters of man and beget children?

Nutscracker

Ugly probably knows about that. Or she can check with some of her friends. Ugly, are you there?

Monstradamus

By the way, on the subject of checking with your friends. Ariadne, you said we could ask you questions about the helmet of horror in case you have another dream about our management.

Ariadne

Of course.

Monstradamus

I have three. Firstly, I really would like to know how everything else can be manufactured out of nothing. And secondly, how the helmet of horror can be located inside one of its own parts, and does that mean that inside one helmet there is a second one, and inside the second a third one, and so on to infinity in both directions? And the final question is – exactly how does the separator labyrinth work?

Ariadne

All right, I’ll ask.

Nutscracker

And at the same time ask them to say something about the occipital braid. So far we don’t know a single thing about it.

Organizm(-:

I have a question – why is the helmet of horror called that?

Ariadne

All right. I’ll be going then.

Monstradamus

Just like that?

Ariadne

I’ll forget the questions later.

Nutscracker

Go on then. And we’ll carry on here. What was that you said about your labyrinth. Monster?

Monstradamus

When was that?

Nutscracker

When Ugly was telling us about the cathedral. They showed her something like a target and said it was the most mystical labyrinth there could possibly be. And you claimed the most mystical one was yours. I’m curious about what it is.

Monstradamus

I think I really ought to take those words back. The most mystical one is probably Sartrik’s. Sartrik, are you there?

Nutscracker

He must be busy with his booze now.

Monstradamus

Then tell me about your labyrinth. Or Organism can tell us about his.

Organizm(-:

I haven’t got anything interesting. Just a screen-saver.

Monstradamus

What?

Organizm(-:

In Windows there’s a screen-saver called ‘maze’. And I’ve got a model of it here. Built out of planks instead of pixels. It’s the only time I can ever recall software being turned into hardware.

Monstradamus

Did anyone understand that?

Nutscracker

I know what he’s talking about. It’s a kind of program.

Monstradamus

And it switches off the screen?

Nutscracker

Just the opposite, it switches it on to full power.

Monstradamus

Then why’s it called a screen-saviour? What kind of salvation is that?

Nutscracker

Ugly can ask her canons about that. They know all about saviours and salvation.

UGLI 666

If that is a blasphemous insult to the Saviour, He’ll forgive you for it, you sinful simpleton. But I advise you to leave the Holy Spirit alone.

Nutscracker

Ah, you’re back. Am I correct in suspecting your saviour also doubles up as the creator?

UGLI 666

That’s right.

Nutscracker

Do you know who he reminds me of? A spiteful little sorcerer who gets the urge to torture a kitten. So he goes down into a deep, dark cellar, moulds a kitten out of clay, brings it to life and then – whack! – he smashes its head against the corner of the wall. And he does that every weekend, a hundred times or more. And to make sure no miaowing is ever heard from the cellar, our sorcerer teaches the kittens to think stoically – I came from the dust and to the dust I return. And he forces them to pray to him for the few seconds of their existence.

Monstradamus

God only knows what goes on inside that head of yours, Nutcracker.

UGLI 666

Not God, the devil. That’s already a blasphemy against the Holy Ghost, take care Nutcracker. The Lord does not force us to pray to him. We choose our own path, because he created us with free will.

Nutscracker

Don’t make me laugh, Ugly. Free will. Life’s like falling off a roof. Can you stop on the way? No. Can you turn back? No. Can you fly off sideways? Only in an advertisement for underpants specially made for jumping off roofs. All free will means is you can choose whether to fart in mid-flight or wait till you hit the ground. And that’s what all the philosophers argue about.

UGLI 666

Nutcracker, you’re always trying to turn any conversation into a farting match. I must say sometimes you manage it.

Monstradamus

Stop it will you, you’re like little children. Let’s just drop it. Why don’t you tell us about this screen-saver, Organism?

Organizm(-:

It’s a standard program. If you don’t touch the keyboard for a few minutes, a labyrinth with red-brick walls appears on the screen, with a camera moving through it. It has all sorts of bells and whistles, like stones that turn everything upside down when you bump into them. The ceiling becomes the floor, the floor becomes the ceiling, and the camera starts turning in the opposite direction at the forks in the path. There’s a big rat in the labyrinth too. I’ve actually got two screen-savers like that. The first one appears on the screen when I forget about you lot for a long time. And the second is right outside my door, constructed fairly accurately out of plywood and planks. It even has a rat in it – a kind of little mat with a plush face and paws sewn on to it. Sometimes the rat is lying in the passage. Sometimes it’s glued to the ceiling. There are tumble-stones too, blocks of grey plastic. Only they don’t turn anything upside down. If you touch one of them, the maze freezes.

Nutscracker

What do you mean, it freezes?

Organizm(-:

That’s what I call it, like a computer program. What happens is, the light goes out and a panel lights up above the tumble-stone: ‘This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. If the problem persists, contact the program vendor.’

Nutscracker

Then what happens?

Organizm(-:

I have to go home in the dark. And that’s a bit of a drag, because the voices start to get on my nerves.

Nutscracker

What voices?

Organizm(-:

All kinds. Quiet and loud. Women, men, even children. Sometimes far away. Sometimes close up.

Nutscracker

So what do these voices say?

Organizm(-:

Always the same thing: ‘I am the vendor, I am the vendor. What will you do? What can you do?’

Nutscracker

Yes, you’ve been screwed all right. And doesn’t Bull Gates ever get in touch?

Organizm(-: