Victor Pelevin - Helmet of Horror

Nutscracker

And can you go back into the cathedral now?

UGLI 666

Its door is locked now.

Nutscracker

When did they find time to lock it?

UGLI 666

I don’t know.

Nutscracker

And are you sure you didn’t just dream it all, like Ariadne?

UGLI 666

Yes, I’m sure. The canon gave me a rosary and I’m holding it in my hand. I’m going to take a rest now.

Monstradamus

Yes, Ugly, take a rest. After all you’ve been through it will do you good.

Nutscracker

An interesting crossword puzzle. But from a mystical point of view, how do you explain that at the very centre of the labyrinth of life there lies the letter ‘S’?

Monstradamus

That ought to be clear enough to you of all people, Nutcracker.

Nut$cracker

Why?

Monstradamus

You have the same letter at your centre too. And just at the moment it’s looking really lovely.

Nutscracker

Where? Oh, that. That’s the moderators taking the piss again. If that’s what you had in mind, I can tell you the pay for my job is so low it’s an insult.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Isolde, are you back yet?

Monstradamus

Hi there, Romeo.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Are you IsoldA then?

Nutscracker

Cohiba’s in a bad mood today.

Monstradamus

I liked the phrase ‘With every new second I was immersed deeper and deeper into the past.’

Nutscracker

Yes, I noticed that too.

Monstradamus

Pure poetry. With every new day we slide deeper and deeper into the past. We disappear into it, like a diver sinking under the water in a slow-motion sequence. What is the difference between an old man and a young man if you put them side by side?

Nutscracker

One of them is old and one of them is young.

Monstradamus

Yes, but what does that mean? That there is only a tiny little piece of the old man left in our dimension – he is almost completely submerged in Lethe’s waters of oblivion. But the young man is still all here – he has just barely touched the surface of the water. Isn’t that it?

Nutscracker

I don’t know. The way things are these days, they could both go down together at any moment. And the size of the pieces would depend less on their age than the force of the blast.

Monstradamus

That’s also true.

Nutscracker

And, as for that phrase you liked, I think Ugly was thinking of the helmet of horror. The future is produced from the past, so the further we go into the future, the more past is required to produce it. You know, the closer you build to the stars, the deeper the pit you dig the soil out of …

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Isolde, are you there? Isolde!

Nutscracker

And, to complete the picture, you could say the bubbles of the past were bursting in a helmet that was running ‘Sticky Eye’ and ‘Sunny Kiss’ simultaneously.

UGLI 666

What?

Monstradamus

Are you still here, Ugly? Take no notice, he’s joking.

UGLI 666

I should never have told you.

Monstradamus

Don’t be offended, Ugly.

UGLI 666

I’m never going to tell you anything again.

Monstradamus

Say you’re sorry, Nutcracker.

Nutscracker

For what?

Monstradamus

Please, say you’re sorry.

Nutscracker

All right. I’m sorry, Ugly.

UGLI 666

God will forgive you.

IsoldA

Romeo, where are you? I’m back.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I was starting to get worried. Tell me what happened.

IsoldA

You first.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

All right. I would have reached the pavilion quickly, because last time I marked which way to go at the forks in the path. But I met someone really terrifying on the way.

IsoldA

You too?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

What happened? Are you all right?

Isolde

Yes, everything’s fine. Go on.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

When I got past the bench where I can see the roof and the fountain, I suddenly sensed a movement behind me. And when I turned round I saw something absolutely incredible. Just imagine it, a long narrow corridor between the bushes. And coming towards me along it on roller skates was … I don’t even know if it was a man or not. He was immensely tall, wearing a sombrero hat and an ice-hockey goalkeeper’s mask made of white plastic. And there were two smaller figures on roller skates behind him. I could hardly see them, because he took up the entire passage. He was wearing a goalkeeper’s uniform too – an immense blue sweatshirt with the number ‘35’ and the words ‘chicago bulls’. Or at least, that’s what I thought at first. But when he got closer, I could see the number was actually totally weird: ‘–3.5%’, and the word ‘bulls’ was really ‘BEARS’. It was just that the minus sign and the percentage sign were the same colour as the sweatshirt and I hadn’t spotted them from the distance. And he was holding a double hockey-stick.

IsoldA

How do you mean?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

You’ve seen a goalkeeper’s stick, haven’t you? Now imagine it has two blades curving in opposite directions. Of course, you couldn’t possibly play with one like that.

IsoldA

And what happened when he reached you?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

He didn’t get that far. When he was only ten feet away, he turned a corner and disappeared into a side passage. And the others darted in there after him as well.

IsoldA

Who was it following him?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

It was two dwarves. They were on roller skates too, and wearing sombreros. I couldn’t see their faces, they had their heads lowered so the wind wouldn’t blow their hats off. And they were holding up the hem at the back of his sweatshirt, like ladies in waiting.

IsoldA

Was that all?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Fortunately, yes. Who did you meet?

IsoldA

It was at the corner of one of the alleys. I heard the sound of a guitar string behind me. When I turned round, about twenty metres away from me I saw an immensely tall man standing beside a fountain. He was dressed all in black and gold like an eighteenth-century gallant, and he was hiding his face behind a mask in the form of a golden sun that he was holding on a stick. There were two dwarves dressed up in red velvet standing beside him, holding old potbellied guitars. They strummed a few soft chords, then the giant turned his mask slightly and the sun glinted on it so brightly I was dazzled and I screwed up my eyes. And when I opened them again there was no one beside the fountain any more. I didn’t even have time to be scared and I thought I must have had a hallucination after everything I’d been hearing. But now I don’t know what to think. You go on.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Well, I decided that if the giant had wanted to kill me he would have done it already. So I carried on as though nothing had happened. I didn’t meet anyone else on the way. The door in the wall of the pavilion was open. And behind it there was a winding corridor. Naturally, there was no light. The floorboards squeaked horribly, as if every one of them had three mice sitting under it. It was absolutely terrifying. There were doors in the walls and more doors behind them. I began groping my way at random through the musty, squeaking darkness and became disorientated straightaway. I was overcome by apathy. I wanted to drop down on the floor, close my eyes and forget about absolutely everything. Probably that’s what I would have done, but then one of the doors led me out into a large room where there was a light on. It was deserted and dusty, with no windows and divided in half by a set of steel bars so thick they could have kept out an elephant. There was no furniture at all, if you didn’t count several pictures turned around so that the images faced the wall. I thought it was probably so they wouldn’t get dusty – clever and very simple, no need for any glass. Hanging on the door, which closed behind my back, was a plaque that said ‘Silence!’ And beyond the bars was a fresco with a portrait of the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. Right across the whole wall.