Victor Pelevin - Helmet of Horror

IsoldA

No, that’s right. I know that fountain. It has bronze figures too. There’s a snake and a … I’ve forgotten what it’s called, like a pig with long spines.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

A porcupine.

IsoldA

Yes, that’s it. A porcupine sitting on a bronze tree-stump with water flowing out from it in all directions, as though the beast had suffered bad fright. And the snake is coiled up creeping towards the stump and shooting out a tall jet of water that divides into three branches and falls like rain on the porcupine and everything all around. It’s an incredibly beautiful fountain. The first time I saw it there was a little rainbow suspended in the spray of water beside it, and from that moment on I loved it best of all. There are actually three jets of water, but with different pressures. Their nozzles are set close beside each other in the snake’s mouth, so it looks as though there’s one jet rising into the air and three falling downwards. And I remembered the tattoo on your wrist, the oil and the yachtclub. Does the jet you can see above the bushes divide into three?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Yes, I think so.

IsoldA

Aren’t you absolutely sure?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I can see a jet of water and the roof of a house when I climb up on to a bench and stand on the back of it. But it’s not possible to stand up there like that for very long, you sway backwards and forwards and then you lose your balance and you have to jump down. That makes it hard to make out the details. But if it is the same fountain you should see my labyrinth when you stand beside it.

IsoldA

There’s a tall hedge beside the fountain with the snake and the porcupine and I can’t tell what’s behind it. It’s very long – I walked a little way along it, the bushes fence off a large section of park. I think that must be your enclosure.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

If you’ve walked along that hedge, at one moment we might only have been ten feet apart. I was beside it too, on my own side. I’m practically certain it was the outside hedge. In the first place, there were two rows of barbed fencing instead of just one in the bushes. And in the second place, there’s a spot where you can clearly hear the sound of falling water. Oh and, by the way, beside the spot with the sound of water there’s a long wall protruding from the bushes. It looks like the back of some building and it’s painted with pink and gold Cupids blowing seashells like trumpets. Have you got anything like that?

IsoldA

There is a single-storey building to the right of the fountain. It looks like a pavilion for storing garden tools, except that it’s very big. Its back section disappears into the high hedge. But I didn’t see any Cupids on it.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Can you get inside?

IsoldA

The door’s locked. Is there a door in your wall?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Yes.

IsoldA

Does it open?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

To be honest I didn’t try it. I stood beside it for a while and suddenly I felt terrified, I even got a pounding in my temples. I’m not the timid type at all, but suddenly there it was. For no reason at all. I thought – who knows what’s inside there? What if it’s the Minotaur?

:-)))

UGLI 666

Nutcracker, do you know any Latin?

Nutscracker

The Senate and People of Rome. P-Q-R-S. No, I’m confusing it with the alphabet. What the Romans had was S-P-Q-R.

Monstradamus

Why are you interested in Latin, Ugly?

UGLI 666

To translate a few words.

Monstradamus

I’ll give it a try.

UGLI 666

What’s ‘aiselceclesia’?

Monstradamus

I don’t know.

UGLI 666

And ‘ieselceaeclesi’?

Monstradamus

I don’t know that either. Are you sure it’s Latin?

UGLI 666

What else could it be?

Monstradamus

I can’t tell yet. Can you give us the whole phrase?

UGLI 666

It’s very long.

Monstradamus

Then a couple of words at least.

UGLI 666

It starts: ‘aiselceclesia ieselceaeclesi selceataecles elceatctaecle’.

Monstradamus

Stop, that’s enough for now.

UGLI 666

What is it?

Monstradamus

Not so fast. Let me have a think.

Nutscracker

Where’s it from, Ugly?

UGLI 666

From a labyrinth.

Nutscracker

Have you got a labyrinth outside your door?

UGLI 666

What else am I supposed to have?

Nutscracker

Catacombs.

Monstradamus

Don’t mock, Nutcracker.

UGLI 666

The catacombs were the cradle of the faith. It would have been great reassurance from the Lord.

Nutscracker

She said before she had a hall full of benches. Now all of a sudden there’s a labyrinth.

UGLI 666

I wish you’d go back to your bitches, Nutcracker, I really do. Can you make anything of it, Monstradamus?

Monstradamus

Were the words written in a column, one under the other?

UGLI 666

Yes.

Monstradamus

Can you type the one that was in the middle?

UGLI 666

What do you mean? Which one’s that?

Monstradamus

The seventh from the top, if that makes it easier.

UGLI 666

Eatcnasanctae.

Nutscracker

Eat NASA. I can’t make out any other references there.

Monstradamus

Where did you find it?

UGLI 666

I don’t really want to talk about that.

Monstradamus

What if I reproduce the entire inscription, then will you tell me?

UGLI 666

In that case, yes.

Monstradamus

The inscription was this:A I S E L C E C L E S I A I S E L C E A E C L

E S I S E L C E A T A E C L E S E L C E A T

C T A E C L E L C E A T C N C T A E C L C

E A T C E A N C T A E C E A T C N A S A

N C T A E C E A T C N A N C T A E C L C

E A T C N C T A E C L E L C E A T C T A E

C L E S E L C E A T A E C L E S I S E L C E

A E C L E S I A I S E L C E C L E S I A

UGLI 666

That’s right. How did you do that?

Monstradamus

Dominus illuminatio mea.

UGLI 666

But what does it mean?

Monstradamus

The Lord is my light.

UGLI 666

I mean what does my inscription mean?

Monstradamus

Well, what do you think?

UGLI 666

I can’t make any sense of it at all. What sense is there?

Monstradamus

The sense can be very different, depending on where you found it. So you’ll have to be honest about everything.

UGLI 666

All right. Outside my door there really is a hall with benches. I didn’t really look at it properly at first. But then when I did … I’m not even sure whether you’ll believe me or not, Monstradamus.

Monstradamus

I’ll give it a try.

UGLI 666