Dave Barry - Claw Your Way To The Top

2. STATE THAT SOMETHING HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOUR ATTENTION. Never state who brought it. It can be virtually any random fact whatsoever. For example, you might say: “It has been brought to my attention that on the 17th of February, Accounts Receivable notified Collections of a prior past-due balance of $5,878.23 in the account of Whelk, Stoat, and Mandible, Inc.” Ideally, your reader will have nothing to do with any of this, but he will think he should, or else why would you go to all this trouble to tell him? Also, he will get the feeling you must be a fairly plugged-in individual, to have this kind of thing brought to your attention.

3. STATE THAT SOMETHING IS YOUR UNDERSTANDING. This statement should be firm, vaguely disapproving, and virtually impossible to understand. A good standard one is: “It is my understanding that this was to be ascertained in advance of any further action, pending review.”

4. END WITH A STRONG CLOSING LINE. It should leave the reader with the definite feeling that he or she is expected to take some kind of action. For example: “Unless we receive a specific and detailed proposal from you by the 14th, we intend to go ahead and implant the device in Meredith.”

The beauty of this basic memo format is that it can even be adapted for sending personalized communications to your subordinates (“It has come to my attention that your wife, Edna, is dead.”).

In addition to writing memos, every month or so you should generate a lengthy report. This is strictly so you can cover yourself in case something bad happens.

I. SUBJECT. This is entirely up to you. If you follow the format, it will have virtually no impact on the rest of the report.

II. INTRODUCTION. This should be a fairly long paragraph in which you state that in this report, you intend to explore all the ramifications of the subject, no matter how many it turns out there are.

III. STATEMENT OF PURPOSE: This is a restatement of the Introduction, only the sentences are in reverse order.

IV. OBJECTIVES: This is a restatement of the Statement of Purpose, only you put the sentences in a little numbered list.

V. INTRODUCTION. By now, nobody will remember that you already had this.

VI. BACKGROUND: Start at the dawn of recorded time.

VII. DISCUSSION. This can be taken at random from the Encyclopedia Britannica, because the only people still reading at this point have been able to continue only by virtue of ingesting powerful stimulants and will remember nothing in the morning.

VIII. CONCLUSIONS: You should conclude that your findings tend to support the hypothesis that there are indeed a great many ramifications, all right.

IX. INTRODUCTION. Trust me. Nobody will notice.

X. RECOMMENDATIONS: Recommend that the course of action outlined in the Discussion section (Ha ha! Let them try to find it!) should be seriously considered.

There are various types of letters you write in business, each requiring a different tone.

The basic idea here is to grovel around like a slug writhing in its own slime. For example:

Dear Mr. Herckle:

It certainly was an extremely great pleasure to fly out to your office in Butte last week, and even though I didn’t have the enormous gigantic emotional pleasure of meeting with you in person to discuss our new product line, I was certainly extremely pleased and grateful for the opportunity to squat on your doorstep, and I certainly do want to apologize for any inconvenience or blood-stains I may have caused when your extremely impressive dog, Bart, perforated my leg.

Your humble servant,

Byron B. Buffington

In these cases, you want to set a tone that is polite, yet firm:

Dear Mr. Hodpecker:

In going over our records, I note that you have not responded to our invoice of January 12, nor to our reminders of February 9, March 6, April 11, May 4, and June 6; and when we sent Miss Bleemer around to discuss this matter with you personally, you locked her in a conference room with a snake.

Mr. Hodpecker, we of course value your business, and we very much want to keep you as a customer. At least that is what I am trying to tell my two top collection assistants, the Bulemia brothers, Victor and Anthony. They, on the other hand, would prefer to keep you as a pet. They even bought one of those little cages that airlines transport animals in. To me, it looks just barely big enough for a cocker spaniel, but Victor and Anthony believe they can make you fit.

Expecting to hear from you very, very soon in regards to this matter, I remain

Sincerely yours,

Byron B. Buffington

P.S. Victor has a complete set of auto-body tools.

You have to be thoughtful here. See, anybody can get a nice letter of recommendation written about him (“Mr. Hitler always kept his uniform very clean”). So most prospective employers tend to discount what such letters say. This means that to make any kind of impression at all, you must exaggerate violently.

Let’s say, for example, you’re writing a letter of recommendation for a good employee named Bob, and you tell the simple truth:

“Bob Tucker is by far the best foreman we ever had. He never missed a day of work, got along well with his subordinates, and increased our productivity by 47 percent.”

If a prospective employer saw such a ho-hum letter of recommendation, he would naturally assume that Bob was an arsonist child molester. You should spice up the letter with statements such as: “Working on his own time during lunch hour, Bob developed a cure for heart disease.” Or: “On at least three separate occasions, Bob sacrificed his life so that others might live.”

1. USE THE WORD “TRANSPIRE” A LOT. Wrong: The dog barked. Right: What transpired was, the dog barked. Even better: A barking of the dog transpired.

2. ALSO USE “PARAMETER.” Wrong: Employees should not throw paper towels into the toilet. Right: Employees should not throw paper towels into the parameters of the toilet.

3. ALWAYS FOLLOW THE PHRASE “TED AND” WITH THE WORD “MYSELF.” Wrong: Ted and I think the pump broke. Right: Ted and myself think the pump broke. Even better: It is the opinion of Ted and myself that a breakage of the pump transpired.

4. IF SOMETHING IS FOLLOWING SOMETHING ELSE, ALWAYS LET THE READER KNOW IN

ADVANCE VIA THE WORDS: “THE FOLLOWING.” Wrong: We opened up the pump and found a dead bat. Right: We opened up the pump and found the following: a dead bat.

5. ALWAYS STRESS THAT WHEN YOU TOLD SOMEBODY SOMETHING, YOU DID IT VERBALLY. Wrong: I told him. Right: I told him verbally.

6. NEVER SPLIT AN INFINITIVE. An infinitive is a phrase that has a “to” at the beginning, such as “Today, I am going to start my diet.” You should not split such a phrase with another word, as in “Today, I am definitely going to start my diet,” because it makes you sound insecure about it. It sounds like you know darned well you’ll be hitting the pecan fudge before sundown.

7. NEVER END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION. Prepositions are words like

“with,” “into,” “off,” “exacerbate,” etc. The reason you should never end a sentence with one is that you would be violating a rule of grammar. Wrong: Youse better be there with the ransom money, on account of we don’t want to have to hack nobody’s limbs off. Right: ... on account of we don’t want to have to hack off nobody’s limbs. Even better: ... on account of we don’t want to have to hack off nobody’s limbs with a chain saw.