Dave Barry - Claw Your Way To The Top

I do not mean to suggest for a moment that all it takes to be a top executive is a custom-tailored European suit. You also need the correct shirt and tie. And for women executives, there is the whole issue of hosiery. This is why I have devoted an entire chapter later in this book to the crucial matter of your wardrobe. But for now we’re going to talk about the human side of the executive’s job, by which I mean the side where you use humans for various purposes.

Always remember this: your subordinates are not machines. They are human beings, with the same needs, the same wants, and the same dreams as you. Okay, maybe not all the same dreams. Probably they don’t have the one where you’re naked in a vat of Yoo-Hoo with the Soviet gymnastics team.

But they want to get ahead, just like you do. They, too, are part of the Carnival of American Capitalism. Like you, they want to reach out from the Carousel of Hard Work to grasp the Brass Ring of Success. And when, after riding ‘round and ‘round, they finally get their shot at realizing this dream, your job, as a caring and concerned superior, is to give them that extra shove they need to pitch forward off their horses and land headfirst among the Discarded Candied Apple Cores of Failure. Because there are only so many Brass Rings of Success, and you sure as hell don’t want a bunch of subordinates barging past you and snatching them all.

So the trick, with subordinates, is to keep them happy, productive, hopeful, and—above all—subordinate. Here’s how you do this:

1. MAKE THEM THINK YOU’RE THEIR FRIEND. The way you do this is by engaging in casual office banter with them to indicate that you are just a Regular Person Who Really Cares for Them as Human Beings. Keep a little file with a three-by-five card for each subordinate, on which you’ve written personal details such as the subordinate’s nickname, hobbies, sex, etc. Review these cards regularly, then go out and make personal remarks to your subordinates:

YOU: Hello, “Bob.”

SUBORDINATE: Hello.

YOU (glancing at your three-by-five card): So! You’re still a white male with an interest in photography, eh, “Bob”?

SUBORDINATE: Yes sir.

YOU: Ha ha! Good. Let’s engage in casual office banter again sometime soon, “Bob.”

SUBORDINATE: Yes sir.

YOU (moving along to next subordinate): Hello, there, “Chuck.” I am very...

SUBORDINATE: Excuse me, sir, but my name is Mary. Chuck left last year.

YOU (testily): Not according to this three-by-five card, he didn’t!

SUBORDINATE: Yes sir.

YOU: As I was saying, “Chuck,” I am very sorry your wife, Edna, died on October 3, 1981.

SUBORDINATE: Thank you, sir.

2. GET RID OF THEM IF THEY START COMING UP WITH IDEAS. Remember the old saying: “A subordinate capable of thinking up an idea is a subordinate capable of realizing that there is no particular reason why he or she should be a subordinate, especially your subordinate.” This is why dogs are so popular as pets. You can have a dog for its whole lifetime, and it will never once come up with a good idea. It will lie around for over a decade, licking its private parts and always reacting with total wonder and amazement to your ideas. “What!?” says the dog, when you call it to the door. “You want me to go outside!!? What a great idea!!! I never would have thought of that!!!”

Cats, on the other hand, don’t think you’re the least bit superior. They’re always watching you with that smart-ass cat expression and thinking, “God, what a cementhead.” Cats are always coming up with their own ideas. They are not team players, and they would make terrible corporate employees. A corporate department staffed by cats would be a real disciplinary nightmare, the kind of department that would never achieve 100 percent of its “fair share” pledge quota to the United Way. Dogs, on the other hand, would go way over the quota. Of course they’d also chew up the pledge cards.

The point I’m trying to make here, as far as I can tell, is that you want subordinates who, when it comes to thinking up ideas, are more like dogs than like cats. Ideally, you should determine this before you hire people, by giving them a test, as explained below.

Show the person three forms, marked A, B, and C. Tell him that part of his job would be to fill out the three forms, then throw Form B away. Stress that this is company policy. If he nods and says, “Okay,” or if he asks you a question like, “How can you tell which one is Form B?” hire him. But if he says something like, “Gee, it seems kind of inefficient to fill out a form you’re just going to throw away,” get rid of him. This is the kind of person who will eventually, no matter how much training you give him, come up with an idea.

You should also check the person’s references for telltale statements like: “Ellen comes up with a lot of good ideas.” Or: “Ellen is a real innovator.”

What these people are trying to tell you is: “Ellen will get your job, and you’ll wind up on the street licking the insides of discarded chicken gumbo soup cans.

This is the most painful part of being a supervisor, except for the part when you slam your finger in a file drawer. You never want to fire anybody, but sometimes you have an employee who has done something totally unacceptable, such as stealing, or drinking liquor on the job without sharing it, or coming up with an idea, and you have no choice but to let this person go.

There is no good way to fire an employee, but there are some things you can do to make it easier. You can have compassion. You can have understanding. You can have two large security guards named Bruno standing next to you and holding hot knitting needles. Call the employee in and say, “Ted, your performance has been unsatisfactory, so I’m afraid these two Brunos are going to have to poke out your eyes with hot knitting needles. I hate to do this, but the only alternative is to fire you.” At this point, Ted will beg you to fire him. He may well confess to the Lindbergh baby kidnapping.

That about covers how you should behave around your subordinates. Now for the really important issue, which is:

Years ago, corporation executives tended to be middle-aged white Anglo-Saxon Protestant males with as much individuality, style, and flair as generic denture adhesive. Today’s corporations however, thanks to a growing awareness of the value of diversity and of avoiding giant federal lawsuits, have opened their executive ranks to people of all races and sexes, provided they are willing to act, dress, and talk like middle-aged white Anglo-Saxon Protestant males. This is what you need to learn how to do.

1. SPORTS.

As we can see from the above list, if you want to get along with the other executives, you have to learn how to talk about sports. This is pretty easy, if you know certain key phrases, as shown in the chart.

SPORT SEASON KEY PHRASE

FOOTBALL July to February “They got some really bad calls.”

BASEBALL March to October “Some of those calls they got were really bad.”

BASKETBALL August to March “I can’t believe some of those calls they got.”

ICE HOCKEY Eternal “Can you believe some of those calls they got?”

To you, these phrases may not seem to have a whole lot of meat on them, but believe me, middle-aged white Anglo-Saxon Protestant males can use them to keep a conversation going for hours.