Dave Barry - Claw Your Way To The Top

At this point, the maitre d’ may say something like: “But sir, it’s 11 A.M. and we don’t open for lunch until noon.” He is indicating here that he would like several more five-dollar bills. This kind of thing goes on all the time in classy restaurants. Give your prospective client a knowing elbow in his rib cage, then stuff several additional bills into the maitre d’s breast pocket and say: “Oh, I’m sure you can find a table for us.” Don’t quit until he gives you one.

When you are seated, your waiter will arrive with the menus and make the following three statements, all of which are required under the Federal Waitperson Control Act:

1. His name is Thad.

2. It will be His Pleasure to serve you.

3. Would either of you care for a cocktail.

(By the way, this is an ideal opportunity for you to make a witty remark, such as: “What, exactly, is involved in ‘caring for’ a cocktail? Do they need special food?” This will cause Thad to roar with approving laughter. Tip him $5.)

Now as regards cocktails: the days of the “three martini lunch” are long gone. In today’s high-pressure, brutally competitive business environment, you want a minimum of four martinis, and you want them before the salad comes. Order the same for your prospective client. If he balks, stress that you’re paying for them, but that he should not feel obligated because of this.

Now it’s time to examine the menu. This requires a great deal of concentration, because you no longer see the simple American menus you knew as a child. In those days, you’d mull over the menu for a while, then you’d say, “I’ll have the chicken or fish,” and the waiter would say, “Excellent choice,” and that would be that.

But the modern restaurant menu is much, much more complex, consisting of two or three dozen totally unintelligible items.

Don’t panic. Examine your menu carefully, trying not to let on to the prospective client that the only word on it you understand is “Menu” and wait for Thad to return with your drinks. Here’s what he’ll say:

“Today we are out of everything on the menu, but we do have some very nice specials. For our appetizer, we have an excellent Tete de Chou au Sucre Flambe, which is a head of cabbage covered with sugar and set on fire; we also have a very nice Poisson Sacre Bleu, which is a Norwegian fluke that has been minced into tiny little pieces, then defiled in lemon sauce and stirred until dawn with attractive utensils; we have a superb Coquille St. Jacques au Lanterne, which is a pumpkin stuffed with live writhing scallops; we have a traditional Merde aux Tuilles, which is of course a beef which has been chipped, served with a white sauce on bread which has been toasted; we have a very popular Papier du Oiseau dans la Cage, which is ...”

And so on. Thad will keep this up for maybe ten minutes, after which you should tip him $5 and tell him, “I’ll have the chicken, and my prospective client here will have whichever menu selection is the most expensive.” Stress to the prospective client that this will cost him nothing, as you are paying for it. In fact, it would be a good idea to reassure him on this point several more times during the meal, with such phrases as, “It’s on me” and “I’m paying for your food.”

After you’ve ordered from Thad, the wine steward will come around and give you the wine list. The correct wine to select, of course, depends on the kind of entree you order, as shown in this handy chart:

Entree

Correct Wine

Meat

The appropriate wine here would cost at least $45 a bottle

Fish

With fish you want a bottle of wine costing a minimum of $45

Poultry

You should spend $45 or more for this bottle of wine.

If you have trouble remembering all this information, don’t worry. Your wine steward will be more than happy to help you make your wine selection:

YOU: How is this wine that costs $12 a bottle?

WINE STEWARD: We use that primarily as a disinfectant.

YOU: I see. Then we’ll have something much more expensive.

WINE STEWARD: Excellent choice.

When the steward brings you the wine, he’ll show you the label; you should examine it closely for spelling and punctuation errors (see The Basic Rules of Business Grammar). He will then pour a little into your glass. Taste it, and if necessary, have him add a couple of packets of Sweet ‘n’ Low.

At the end of the meal, be sure to make a lighthearted remark about the size of the check, such as: “My God! This check is so large that unless I sign a big contract with a prospective client soon, I’ll never be able to afford the operation that will restore the precious gift of sight to my three-year-old daughter, Little Meg, ha ha!” This is your humorous signal to the prospective client that it’s time to “talk turkey.”

“Ed,” you should say (if his name is Ed), “this meal has been a tremendously tax-deductible pleasure for me personally, but let’s get down to brass tacks. Looking at this thing objectively, I think it would be a big mistake for you not to sign this contract, especially if you want a ride home.” Now give him some time to think it over. Maybe even sprint for the door a couple of times, as if you’re running off without him. Better yet, offer to stay there until night falls and buy him dinner. He’ll come around.

The first question, of course, is: whose home? I think we can rule out your home, since, let’s be honest here, nobody in your home has ever made a really sincere effort to clean the toilets, and it’s far too late to start now. A much better bet would be the client’s home. Call him up and explore this possibility with him:

YOU: Ed, Denise and I are wondering if you and Trudy would be free to have dinner with us at your home Friday night.

CLIENT: What?

YOU: How are your toilets?

CLIENT: What?

YOU: Cleaner than ours, I bet!

CLIENT: You want to have dinner at our home?

YOU: Sounds good to me! Eight o’clock Friday it is!

You should arrive a bit early, say fiveish, to rummage around and make sure there’s plenty of pre-dinner liquor on hand. When Ed and Trudy come out of their bedroom, your first responsibility is to make them feel at ease. I suggest you get a copy of the Complete Book of Games and Stunts published by Bonanza Books and authored by Darwin A. Hindman, Ph.D., professor of physical education at the University of Missouri. This is an actual book, available at garage sales everywhere. I especially recommend the “Funnel Trick” described in chapter 4 (“Snares”), wherein you have the victim lean his head back and place a penny on his forehead, then you tell him that the object of the trick is to tilt his head forward so the penny drops into a funnel stuck into his belt. However—get this—while he’s got his head tilted back, you pour a pitcher of water into the funnel and get his pants soaking wet! Ha ha! Be sure to follow this with a lighthearted remark (“You look like a cretin, Ed!”) and offer everybody a swig from the liquor bottle.

Now that everybody is loosened up, drop a hint (“God I’m hungry! Any food around here?”) that it’s time to move to the dinner table. Your goal at dinner, of course, is to somehow cause the prospective client to get a wad of food caught in his throat and start choking, so you can leap up and dislodge the food by means of the “Heimlich maneuver,” thus causing the client to be indebted to you for the rest of his life. This means you have to startle him just as the food is going down his throat. The most reliable way to do this is to have a pistol hidden under the table, and fire it off just as he starts to swallow. You should of course use blanks, as bullets would be irresponsible.