Dave Barry - Dave Barry’s Only Travel Guide You’ll Ever Need

By the shores of Gitche Gumee; By the shining Big-Sea water; Strode the mighty Hiawatha; In a frock he made from otter.

(Chorus)

Speaking of culture, the World Book Encyclopedia states that every year Michigan has a “Magic Get-Together” in a city named “Colon.” We definitely think you should check this out.

Minnesota has more than 10,000 lakes, which has earned it the proud nickname: “The Gopher State.” The major industries are (1) cows and (2) trying to get cars started, which is very difficult because the entire state is located inside the Arctic Circle. The largest and most dynamic city is Minneapolis (nickname: “St. Paul”), which boasts culture and some nice malls. Also there is a state fair where people make realistic sculptures entirely out of butter. And while you’re in Minnesota, be sure to take the whole family on the tour of the world-famous Mayo Clinic, where every visitor receives a free “take-home souvenir spleen transplant.” Minnesota’s Official State Office Supply is staples.

Mississippi has been unfairly portrayed in movies and TV shows as a backward, poorly educated state where the average resident has seventeen teeth and rides around in a pickup truck with a shotgun and a mongrel dog that scores higher on the SAT tests than the average resident. This is a terribly unfair stereotype. The actual truth is closer to nineteen teeth. No! Ha ha! We’re just kidding, Mississippi residents! Seriously, Mississippi is a dynamic and growing state, and many modern technological corporations are relocating there to take advantage of the ready availability of okra. Also Elvis was born in Tupelo, where you can visit his birthplace and possibly meet him in person. You’ll also want to visit one of the old plantations, where attractive hostesses dressed in authentic costumes explain the old traditional lifestyle and flog an authentic motorized replica of a slave. MississiPPi’s Official State Motto is “WhooooEEEEE!”

Missouri is called “The Show-Me State,” because that was the winner of the Dumbest State Nickname Contest, narrowly edging out “The Nanny Nanny Boo-Boo State.” The largest city is St. Louis, which features a 630-foot-tall stainless-steel arch, a monument to the early pioneers who came west with nothing but their wagons, their guns, their dreams, and their 630-foot-tall stainless-steel arches. Visitors may ride to the top of the arch, where, high above the Mississippi River, they will experience the thrill of wanting really badly to get the hell back down on the ground. At least that was how we felt. You’ll also want to visit Hannibal, the boyhood home of Samuel Clemens, who grew up, adopted a pen name, and became one of Missouri’s, and America’s, most beloved characters: Harry Truman. Missouri is also dynamic.

When we think of Montana, the tourist attraction that of course immediately leaps into our minds is the maggot races at the Town Club Bar in Three Forks. We are not making these races up. The maggots are provided by a man named Darrel Rafferty, owner of Rafferty’s Fishbait Company, which sells tubes filled with maggots for bait. So one day a customer was in the Town Club Bar, complaining to Rafferty that he didn’t get enough maggots in his tube, so Rafferty said, okay, show me—even though this was not his Official State Motto—and so the customer poured his maggots out on the bar, and some of the more dynamic ones started crawling away, and eureka (Greek, meaning “They probably had a few beers in them”) the idea of racing maggots to raise money for charity was born. They built a maggot racecourse and took bets and everything. We spoke to the Town Club owner, Phil Schneider, and he said they’d hold more races if tourists came around and created a popular demand. So we definitely recommend that you make this your first Montana stop. Don’t set your food down on the bar.

Other Montana attractions include nature and the headquarters of the world’s largest intercontinental ballistic missile complex, where tourists are welcome to come in and spin the big “Select-a-Target” wheel.

Although it is usually thought of as a farm state, Nebraska boasts two area codes, 402 and 308, as well as the National Museum of Roller Skating, which is in Lincoln and is, shockingly, the only museum in the world dedicated solely to roller skating. Nebraska is also the only state in the union with a “unicameral” legislature, defined as “a legislature that bears its young underwater.” But Nebraska was not always a bed of roses. When the first settlers arrived, they found a harsh, unforgiving place, a vast, treeless expanse of barren, drought-parched soil. And so, summoning up the dynamic pioneer spirit of hope and steely determination, they left. But a few of them remained and built sod houses, which are actually made from dirt. Think about that. You can’t clean a sod house, because it would be gone. The early settler parents had a hell of a time getting this through to their children. “You kids stop tracking dirt out of the house!” they’d yell. Nebraska’s official State Weakness is fudge.

Let’s get one thing straight: There is more to Nevada than just Las Vegas. There is also the part that you have to drive through to get to Las Vegas. Fortunately you can do this at upward of 130 miles per hour, because there is no speed limit in Nevada. In fact there are no laws at all in Nevada. Even murder is legal, but it rarely happens, because people get distracted. A guy will be on his way to kill somebody, and he’ll pass a slot machine, and he’ll figure, what the heck, so he’ll put in a quarter, and pretty soon he’s broke and has to pawn his gun to get more quarters. The result is that Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship. Las Vegas is also a cultural center, featuring extravagant theatrical productions in which world-class performers express the artistic concept: “Get a load of these hooters.” And definitely do not miss the Liberace Museum, which presents a fascinating piano-oriented view of history. One plaque reads: “With Abraham Lincoln as president, the Civil War was raging when the Steinway Company of New York created this fine piano made of solid rosewood.” We can just imagine the scene at the Steinway Company that fateful day: The board of directors is seated around the conference table, grim-faced, and the chairman says, “Gentlemen, Abraham Lincoln is president, and the Civil War is raging! We must make a fine piano of solid rosewood!”

Nevada is also a Mecca for lovers of fine concrete, who will want to visit the Hoover Dam, which was completed in 1936 and resulted in the formation of the Grand Canyon. There is a guided tour of the dam, which your children will surely want to take seventeen or eighteen consecutive times while you go back to Vegas and shoot some craps.

New Hampshire (formerly Vermont) contains many rustic little villages with names like “East Thwackmore” featuring quaint little inns where the harried visitor can escape from the high-pressure modern world, with its pesky flush toilets and central heating. New Hampshire is also the home of the famous New England town meeting, a dynamic example of “democracy in action”

wherein once a year all the residents of each town gather to lick syrup off each other’s thighs. One of New Hampshire’s most popular attractions is the famous “Old Man of the Mountains,” a natural granite formation that, when viewed from a certain angle, looks like rocks. New Hampshire’s Official State Onion Dip Enhancer is chives.