Dave Barry - Dave Barry’s Only Travel Guide You’ll Ever Need

Delaware was the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution, thereby earning it the proud nickname, “The Nutmeg State.” Although small in size, Delaware has had a major impact on the nation’s destiny: Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt, and John F. Kennedy all traveled through or flew over Delaware at some time or another, as far as we know. Delaware also boasts dynamism and several million chickens. Reservations are recommended.

This happens to be our place of residence, and we are not just “tooting our own horn” when we say that no other state offers as many dynamic opportunities to encounter gigantic insects. We have cockroaches here that, instead of scuttling under a counter when you flick on the kitchen light, will pick up your entire refrigerator and lumber from the room. Also in the nature department we have the Everglades, an extremely fascinating natural swamp that inevitably causes the first-time visitor to exclaim: “Huh.” The major state industries are tourism, Bingo, obtaining senior-citizen discounts, and not having automobile insurance. The state capital is Epcot Center. The largest city is Miami (official tourism slogan: “Maybe You Won’t Get Shot”), a richly diverse cosmopolitan metropolis where people from many different cultures live and work together while continuing to observe the traffic laws of their individual countries of origin. The Florida State Seal depicts a mosquito carrying a machine gun.

Although much of Georgia was burned down during the filming of Gone With the Wind, this dynamic state has rebuilt itself and is now an important part of the “New South” (which is similar to the Old South, except most of the pickup trucks are Japanese). Georgia’s biggest city, Atlanta, proudly boasts that it has “the nation’s busiest airport,” although frankly this strikes us as an odd thing to boast about, comparable to announcing that you have the nation’s largest epidemic of crotch lice. Other major tourist attractions include some big rocks and a great many pine trees that can be seen engaging in photosynthesis, the Official State Chemical Reaction. Georgia is also the proud host of the world-famous Masters Golf Tournament of Champions Wearing Ugly Pants, although of course you personally are not invited.

Visitors to this dynamic island paradise are sure to be greeted by a friendly “Aloha,” the all-purpose Hawaiian word that means “Hello,” “Good-bye,” “I love YOU,” “I hate you,” and “Give me the fish of your brother Raoul.” Geologically, the Hawaiian island chain was formed when volcanoes on the floor of the Pacific Ocean spewed out molten lava, which eventually cooled off and formed large resort hotel complexes. These in turn attracted hardy Polynesian mariners, who traveled thousands of miles in open canoes, braving fierce storms that washed all of their consonants overboard, so they arrived in the Hawaiian Islands with a language consisting almost entirely of vowels, the result being that all the traffic signs say things like KAIIUUAEIAAA STREET. The modern Hawaiian economy consists of pineapples and pineapple-shaped tourists wearing comical shirts and watching authentic performances of the hula, in which dancers use traditional arm gestures to tell the story of how their ancestors, thousands of years ago, used to make various gestures with their arms. The Official State Motto is “Wai’iu’a’iou’lih’aaaine,” but nobody has any idea what it means.

Idaho is probably best known for being the state where my wife, Beth, ate an entire strawberry pie in a diner parking lot. This occurred in 1974 when we were driving across the country and found ourselves in a city called “Pocatello,” which had a sign that made the proud boast:

POCATELLO

“Crossroads of the Interstates”

So we stopped at a diner there and ate a huge breakfast. We eat a lot on long trips because we feel our bodies are less likely to become bored if they can pass the time converting food into fat. We plan our itinerary around meals (“Do you want to see the Grand Canyon?” “Does it have a snack bar?”), and our travel memories tend tO focus on food to the exclusion of all other factors (“Remember Asia?” “Yes! Those little fish rolls!”).

So we ate a vast breakfast at this diner, and on our way out Beth noticed that they had fresh-baked strawberry pies for Sale, and so naturally she bought one, her reasoning being that Idaho was basically still a wilderness area and there might not be any other food in it. Her plan was to save the pie until we really desperately needed it, say in fifteen miles or so, but when we got into our car, she decided she’d better sample it, in case it was defective. I was maneuvering the car out of the parking space, and I heard this unusual noise—a combination of ecstatically passionate moan and industrial vacuum cleaner—and when I looked over, the entire pie was gone. Vanished, before we even got to the street. Seventeen years later, the memory of that pie still brings a dynamic sparkle to Beth’s eye that is rarely there when she looks at me, or even Kevin Costner. Idaho’s official State Chemical Element is helium.

Illinois is “The Land of Lincoln,” and the memory of “Honest Abe” is so deeply revered there that as recently as 1983 he was elected lieutenant governor. Illinois is also the nation’s largest soybean-producing state, although nobody knows what happens to the soybeans after they’re grown. You never see them for sale. We think the farmers just harvest them and throw them away.

The largest city in Illinois is, of course, Chicago, which proudly refers to itself as “The City with a Great Big Butt.” This dynamic metropolis began as a tiny trading post in the 1600’s, when trappers would paddle canoes filled with animal pelts down the Chicago River, then throw them into Lake Michigan, because by then they smelled awful. During World War II scientists started the first controlled nuclear reaction at the University of Chicago. At least it has been under control so far. Some days it gets a little frisky, which is why a lot of smart Illinois residents also maintain residences in Guam. Today Chicago boasts the Sears Tower, which is so tall that occupants on the top floor sometimes have to phone the street level to find out what the weather’s like “down there”! These occupants have had a lot to drink.

Indiana is a country in Southeast Asia consisting of more than 13,600

islands. No! Wait! We’re looking at the encyclopedia article for Indonesia. Indiana is located in the Midwest and consists of less than 13,600 islands. It is called “The Hoosier State,” after the sound that pigs make when they sneeze. Another dynamic activity that occurs there is the exciting Indianapolis 500, where each year the world’s top racing-car drivers roar around the legendary Indianapolis Speedway, again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again until the excitement and tension become so great that you have to change the channel and watch Celebrity Turkey Basting (Host: Wink Martindale). Indiana also boasts higher education and Historic Fort Wayne, where men dressed in authentic old soldier costumes engage in authentic soldier activities and, if they are not careful, contract various authentic diseases. Abraham Lincoln also lived in Indiana for a while, but he moved. The Official State Semi-Obscure Adjective is “febrile.”