George Farrow - Absurd Ditties

"'Tis really very, very queer!"
Ejaculated Justice Dear,
"That, day by day, I'm sitting here
Without a single 'case.'
This is the twenty-second pair
Of white kid gloves, I do declare,
I've had this month. I can not wear
White kids at such a pace."

His Lordship thought the matter o'er.
"Crimes ne'er have been so few before;
Not long ago, I heard a score
Of charges every day;
And now – dear me! how can it be? —
And, pondering thus, went home to tea.
(He lives Bayswater way.)

A frugal mind has Justice Dear
(Indeed, I've heard folks call him "near"),
And, caring naught for jibe or jeer,
He rides home on a bus.
It singularly came to pass,
This day, he chanced to ride, alas!
Beside two of the burglar class;
And one addressed him thus:

"We knows yer, Mr. Justice Dear,
You've often giv' us 'time' – d'ye hear? —
And now your pitch we're going to queer,
We criminals has struck !
We're on the 'honest livin' tack,
An' not another crib we'll crack,
So Justices will get the sack!
How's that , my legal buck?"

This gave his Lordship quite a fright,
He had not viewed it in that light.
"Dear me!" he thought, "these men are right,
I'd better smooth them down.
"Let's not fall out, my friends," said he,
"Continue with your burglarie;
Your point of view I clearly see.
Ahem! Here's half-a-crown."

The morning sun shone bright and clear
On angry Mr. Justice Dear;
His language was not good to hear;
With rage he'd like to burst.
His watch and chain, and several rings,
His silver-plate, and other things,
Had disappeared on magic wings —
They'd burgled his house first !

Life has its little ups, and downs,
As has been very truly said,
And Mr. Brown,
Of Camden Town
(Alas! the gentleman is dead),
Found out how quickly Fortune's smile
May turn to Fortune's frown;
And how a sudden rise in life
May bring a person down.

He lived – as I remarked before —
Within a highly genteel square
At Camden Town,
Did Mr. Brown
(He had been born and brought up there);
But – waxing richer year by year —
Grew prosperous and fat,
And left the square at Camden Town
To take a West End flat.

It was a very stylish flat,
With such appointments on each floor
As Mr. Brown
At Camden Town
Had never, never seen before:
Electric lights; hydraulic lifts,
To take one up and down;
And telephones to everywhere .
(These quite bewildered Brown.)

The elevator pleased him most;
To ride in it was perfect bliss.
"I say!" cried Brown,
"At Camden Town
We'd nothing half as good as this."
From early morn till dewy eve
He spent his time – did Brown —
In being elevated up,
And elevated down.

One night – I cannot tell you why —
When all the household soundly slept,
Poor Mr. Brown
(Late Camden Town)
Into the elevator stept;
It stuck midway 'twixt floor and floor,
And when they got it down,
They found that it was all U. – P.
With suffocated Brown.

Yes, life is full of ups and downs,
As someone said in days of yore.
They buried Brown
At Camden Town
(The place where he had lived before);
And now, alas! a-lack-a-day!
In black and solemn gowns,
Disconsolate walk Mrs. Brown
And all the little Browns.

Twice Mr. Gilbert sang to you
Of Bishop P., of Rum-ti-foo;
Now, by your leave, I'll do that too,
Altho' I'm bound to fail
(So you will tell me to my face)
In catching e'en the slightest trace
Of true Gilbertian charm, or grace,
To decorate my tale.

Still, I will tell, as best I can,
How Bishop Peter – worthy man —
Is getting on by now.
Now where shall I begin? Let's see?
You know, I think, that Bishop P.
(Wishful to please his flock was he)
Once took the bridegroom's vow.

You doubtless recollect, His Grace
Wed Piccadil'lee of that place,
And Peterkins were born apace,
When she became his bride.
In fact I'm told that there were three,
When dusky Piccadillillee,
In odour of sanctittittee,
Incontinently died.

Some years have passed since her demise
But Bishop Peter – bless his eyes —
That saintly prelate, kind, and wise,
Is excellently well.
And, not so very long ago,
He sought to wed – this gallant beau
(His faithful flock desired it so) —
Another Island belle.

There was one difficulty, this:
Our Peter wooed a dusky Miss
Who (tho' inclined to married bliss)
Declared him rather old;
Who giggled at his bald, bald head,
And even went so far, 'tis said,
As to decline His Grace to wed,
Did Lollipoppee bold.

But, one day, on that far-off reef,
A merchant vessel came to grief,
And all the cargo – to be brief —
Was washed upon the shore.
Most of the crew, I grieve to state,
Except the Bos'un and the Mate,
Were lost. Theirs was a woesome fate,
And one we all deplore.

Amongst the wreckage on the strand,
A box of "Tatcho" came to land,
Which, there half buried in the sand,
The Bishop – singing hymns
Amongst his flock down by the shore —
Discovered, and they open tore
The case. Behold! The contents bore
The magic name of Sims.

"What! G. R. Sims?" quoth Bishop P.
(Visions of "Billy's Rose" had he),
"Good gracious now! It Sims to me
I've heard that name before."
(Oh, well bred flock! there was not one
Who did not laugh at this poor pun;
They revelled in their Bishop's fun.
They even cried "Encore!")

Then spake the Mate (whose name was Ted):
"Now this 'ere stuff, so I've 'eard said,
Will make the 'air grow on yer 'ead
As thick as any mat."
"Indeed?" quoth worthy Bishop P.;
"Then 'tis the very thing for me,
For I am bald, as you may see."
His Grace removed his hat.

The Bo'sun quickly broke the neck
Of one large bottle from the wreck,
Proceeding then His Grace to deck
With towels (careful man,
This was to save his coat of black,
For "Tatcho" running down one's back
Is clearly off its proper tack).
And then the fun began.

For Ted he rubbed the liquid through,
As hard as ever he could do.
And worthy Jack rubbed some in too
(The Bo'sun's name was Jack).
And day by day they did the same.
Now "Tatcho" ne'er belies its fame,
And soon a little hair there came
(His Lordship's hair is black).

Miss Lollipoppee views with glee
The change in worthy Bishop P.
Now quite agreed to wed is she
(The banns were called to-day).
No "just cause or impediment"
Can interfere with their content;
The natives' loyal sentiment
Is summed up in "Hooray!"