George Farrow - Absurd Ditties

There never lived a worthier man
Than Captain Archibald McKan.
I knew him well some time ago
(I speak of twenty years or so);
Sans peur et sans reproche was he;
He was the soul of chivalry,
Was Captain Archibald McKan.

True greatness showed in all his mien,
No haughty pride in him was seen,
Though, captain of a steamer, he,
From Greenwich unto far Chelsea,
That, spite of weather, wind, and tide,
From early Spring to Autumn plied,
Brave, modest Captain A. McKan.

However sternly might his roar
Reverberate from shore to shore
Of "Ease her! Back her! Hard astern!"
His duty done, with smile he'd turn
And be most affable and mild
To every woman, man, or child
Aboard, would Captain A. McKan.

He reassured the anxious fears
Of nervous ladies – pretty dears! —
He in his pocket carried toys
And sweets for little girls and boys;
He talked in quite familiar way
With men who voyaged day by day,
Did Captain Archibald McKan.

In fact, as I've already said,
No man alive – or even dead —
Was freer from reproach than he;
And yet of Fortune's irony
(Though such a very decent sort)
This worthy man was e'en the sport.
Alas! was Captain A. McKan!

" Cherchez la femme. " The phrase is trite,
Yet here, as usual, 'twas right.
Our Captain noted every day
A certain girl rode all the way
From Greenwich Pier to Wapping Stair.
"It cannot be to take the air,"
Thought Captain Archibald McKan.

She calmly sat, with downcast eye;
And looking both demure and shy;
Yet, once, he caught a roving glance,
Which made his pulses wildly dance;
And, – though as modest as could be —
"I do believe she's gone on me,"
Considered Captain A. McKan.

"Why else should she persistently
Select my boat alone?" thought he;
"I wonder why she comes? I'll ask,
Though 'tis a very ticklish task."
So, walking forward with a smile,
Beside the lass he stood awhile,
Then coughed, did Captain A. McKan.

"You're frequently aboard my boat,"
Began he; "she's the best afloat;
But, pray, may I enquire, do you
So very much admire the view?"
"Er – moderately, sir," said she.
"Exactly so! It must be me !"
Decided Captain A. McKan.

"Come, tell me, Miss, now no one's by,"
He whispered; "Won't you tell me why
You come so oft? There's naught to dread."
The lady looked surprised, and said:
"My husband works at Wapping Stair,
I daily take his dinner there."
Poor Captain Archibald McKan!

Yes, I love you, dear Matilda,
But you may not be my bride,
And the obstacles are many
Which have caused me to decide.
Firstly, what is most annoying,
And I'm not above confessing,
Is, that I think you indolent,
And over-fond of dressing.
I've known you spend an hour or two
In a-sitting on a chair,
And a-fussing and attending
To your toilet or your hair.

There's another little matter —
You may say a simple thing —
Yet, Matilda, I must own it,
I object to hear you sing.
For the sounds you make in singing
Are so very much like squalling,
That the only term appropriate
To them is caterwauling.
Indeed, I've never heard such horrid
Noises in my life,
And I'd certainly not tolerate
Such singing in a wife.

And, Matilda dear, your language!
It is really very bad;
The expressions which you use at times,
They make me feel quite sad.
It is very, very shocking,
But I do not mind declaring
That I've heard some sounds proceeding
From your lips so much like swearing,
That I've had to raise a finger,
And to close at least one ear,
For I couldn't feel quite certain
What bad words I mightn't hear.

But worse than this, Matilda:
I hear, with pious grief,
Many rumours that Matilda
Is no better than a thief
And I'm shocked to find my darling
So entirely lost to feeling,
As to go and give her mind up
Unto picking and a-stealing.
Oh, Matilda! pray take warning,
For a prison cell doth yearn
For a person that appropriates
And takes what isn't her'n.

And the culminating blow is this:
You stay out late at night .
Now, Matilda dear, you must confess
To do this is not right.
Where you go to, dear, or what you do,
There really is no telling,
And with rage and indignation
My fond foolish heart is swelling.
Yet the faults which I've enumera-
Ted can't be wondered at,
When one realises clearly
That "Matilda" – is a cat .

In the South Pacific Ocean
In an oiland called Koodoo,
An' the monarch ov thot oiland
Iz King Hulla-bulla-loo.
Oi wuz docthor to thot monarch
Wonct. Me name iz Pat O'Dooley.
Yis, you're roight. Oi come from Oirland,
From the County Ballyhooly.

An' Oi'll tell yez how Oi came to be
A docthor in Koodoo;
May the Divil burn the ind ov me,
If ivery word's not thrue.
Oi wuz sailin' to Ameriky,
Aboard the "Hilly Haully,"
Which wuz drounded in the ocean,
For the toime ov year wuz squally.

An' Oi floated on a raft, sor,
For some twinty days or more,
Till Oi cum to Koodoo Island,
Phwich Oi'd niver seen before.
But the natives ov thot counthry,
Sure, would take a lot ov batin',
For a foine young sthrappin' feller
They think moighty pleasint atin'.

An' they wint an' told the King, sor,
Him called Hulla-bulla-loo.
"Ye come from Oirland, sor?" sez he.
"Bedad!" sez Oi, "thot's true."
Thin he whispered to the cook, sor;
An' the cook he giv me warnin':
"It's Oirish stew you'll be," sez he,
"To-morrow, come the marnin'."

But to-morrow, be the Powers, sor,
The King wuz moighty bad,
Wid most odjus pains insoide him,
An' they nearly drove him mad;
So he sint a little note, sor,
By the cook, apologoizin'
For not cooking me that day, sor,
Wid politeness most surprisin'!

An' Oi wrote him back a letther,
Jist expressin' my regret,
Thot Oi shouldn't hiv the honor,
Sor, ov bein' cooked an' et;
An' Oi indid up the letther
Wid a midical expresshin,
As would lead him to imagine
Oi belonged to the professhin.

Och! he sint for me at wonct , sor.
"If ye'll only save me loife,"
Sez he, "Oi'll give yez money,
An' a most attractive woife,
An' ye won't be in the menu
Ov me little dinner party
If ye'll only pull me round," sez he,
"An' make me sthrong an' hearty."

So Oi made a diagnosis
Wid my penknife an' some sthring
(Though Oi hadn't got a notion
How they made the blessid thing;
But Oi knew thot docthors did it
Phwen they undertook a case, sor),
An' Oi saw his pulse, an' filt his tongue,
An' pulled a sarious face, sor.

Thin Oi troied a bit ov blarney.
"Plaze, yer gracious Madjisty,
It's yer brains iz much too big, sor,
For yer cranium, ye see."
But the King he looked suspicious,
An' he giv a moighty frown, sor.
"The pain's not there at all," sez he,
" The pain is further down , sor."