Danielle Steel: Passion's Promise

“Sure. As long as I was sneaking around on subways to meet my lover in SoHo, or flying off to meet Luke in Chicago. Besides, I had to do all that dumb shit for the column.”

“Bullshit. You didn’t just ‘have to,’ you wanted to, or you wouldn’t have done it.”

“That’s not necessarily true. But in any case, I don’t want to do it anymore, and I won’t. Besides, everyone knows I won’t play the game now, so why try to pretend? But the point is what do I do now? I don’t fit there, and Luke’s not here, which leaves me feeling … aimless, I guess is the best way to put it. Any suggestions?”

“Yeah. Make me a cup of hot chocolate. Then I’ll solve all your problems.”

“That’s a deal. Want some brandy in it?”

“Nope. I’ll take it straight thanks.” He didn’t want to give her an excuse to start drinking. She didn’t need much of an excuse, but he thought she might balk at drinking alone. He was right.

“You’re not much fun, but in that case I’ll have mine straight too. I think I’ve been drinking too much lately.”

“No kidding. When did you figure that out? After A.A. called you with a free subscription, or before?”

“Don’t be nasty.”

“What do you want me to do? Keep my mouth shut till you wind up with cirrhosis?” “That sounds fine.”

“Jesus, Kezia, that’s not even funny. You really piss me off!” And he looked it as she vanished into the kitchen.

She appeared a few minutes later with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate. “And how was your day?”

“Stinking, thanks. I had a minor altercation with my board of directors. At least they thought it was minor. I almost quit.”

“You did? How comer?”

“The usual garbage. Allotment of funds. I got so annoyed I told them I was taking two days off.”

“That must have pleased them. What are you going to do with the two days?”

“Fly out to San Francisco with you to see Luke. When are you going?”

“Good lord, Alejandro! Can you do that?” She was delighted, but he had just spent so much money coming out with them to the hearing.

“Sure I can do it. But not in first-class. Are you willing to sit with the peasants at the back of the bus?”

“I think I can stand it. Do you play backgammon? I can bring my small set.”

“How about poker?”

“You’re on. To tell you the truth, I’m glad you’re coming.

… I was thinking about it this morning, and I think I’m scared to death of this trip.”

“Why?” That surprised him.

“San Quentin. It sounds so awful. And I’ve never been any place like it.”

“It’s not exactly a joy ride, but it’s not a dungeon either. You’ll be okay.” But just to be sure, he was going. Luke had urgently requested that he come out with her. And Alejandro knew he wouldn’t ask unless there was a damn good reason. Something was happening.

“Listen, are you coming out just because you figured I was afraid to do it alone?” The idea amazed her.

“Don’t be so egocentric. He happens to be my friend too.” She blushed faintly and he tugged at a lock of the rumpled black hair. “Besides, after what I’ve seen you come through, I have the feeling that if they were firing M-16’s over your head, you’d just tighten your earrings, put on your gloves, and march right on in.”

“Am I as bad as all that?”

“Not bad, baby—impressive. Goddamn impressive. And by the way, while we’re out there I want to interview for a job at a therapeutic community I mentioned to you once.”

“You’re serious about looking for a new job?” So much was changing.

“I don’t know yet. But it’s worth looking into.”

“Well, whatever your reasons, I’m glad we’re going out there together. And Luke will be so pleased to see you. What a super surprise for him!”

“When are we going?”

“When can you get away from the center?”

“Pretty much any time I want.”

“How about tomorrow night? I got a letter from Luke this morning that said I’ll be cleared in two days. So tomorrow night would be just right, for me anyway. How about you?”

“Sounds perfect.”

They settled back with their hot chocolate, and snuggled into the couch, telling old stories and talking about Luke. She laughed again as she hadn’t in weeks, and at midnight she lured him into almost an hour of dice.

“You know what I can’t handle anymore?”

“Yeah, dice. Lady, you play lousy.” But she loved it, and he was having a good time too.

“No, shut up. I’m being serious.”

“Excuse me.”

“Really, I am. The thing that I can’t handle is the pressure of pretense, and that whole way of life I grew up with is pretense to me now. I can’t talk openly about Luke without creating a scandal. I can’t show anyone that I hurt. I can’t even be me. I have to be The Honorable Kezia Saint Martin.”

“Maybe that’s because you happen to be the Honorable Kezia Saint Martin. Ever think of that?” He rolled the dice in his hands.

“Yes, but I’m not ‘that’ Kezia Saint Martin. Not anymore. I’m me. And I keep worrying, thinking I’m going to blurt it all out or call someone an asshole, or throw a quiche Lorraine in somebody’s face.”

“Sounds like fun. Why not try it?” She roared with laughter as they sat in front of the fire, her legs tucked under her.

“Someday I might just try it. But that, my friend, would be the ultimate grand finale. Can’t you see it in Time magazine? ‘Kezia Saint Martin flipped out at a party on Friday and threw a lemon meringue pie that sprayed five guests. The victims of Miss Saint Martin’s temporary insanity were the Countess von …’ et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.”

“Do they serve lemon meringue pies at those parties?” He looked faintly curious.

“No. I guess I’d have to settle for baked Alaska.”

He chuckled at the thought, and reached out and stroked her now dry hair. It was warm from the fire.

“Kezia, love, you’ve got to gain back some weight.”

“Yeah. I know.” They shared a small tender smile, and then with a gleam in his eyes, he rolled the dice in his hands, blew on them and threw, closing both eyes.

“Snake eyes, or bust!”

Kezia chuckled at the results, pinched his nose, and whispered in his ear, “In that case, Mr. Vidal, it’s bust. Hey, you asshole, open your eyes.” But instead he reached out unexpectedly and swept an arm around her waist. “What are you doing, you nut?” His face was barely a breath away from hers, and she thought it was funny. It wasn’t funny to him.

“What am I doing? Making an ass of myself of course.” He opened both eyes and made a clown’s face, checked out the dice and shrugged, but there was a hint of pain in his eyes. How dense could she be? But it was, perhaps, for the best.

He got to his feet and stretched slowly in front of the fire, watching the flames lick at the logs. He had his back to the still chuckling Kezia. “You know what, little one? You’re right I can’t stand the pressure of pretense anymore either.”

“It’s a bitch, isn’t it?” She was sympathetic as she munched on a cookie. It was the first time in weeks that she hadn’t had a drink all evening.

“Yeah … it’s a bitch. The pressure of pretense,’ how well you put it.” She thought he was referring to his job.

“I’m an expert on the subject” But she wasn’t in the mood to be serious. Not with him; they had had too happy an evening. “What brought that into your mind?” The words were garbled in cookie crumbs. She looked up but his back was still turned to her.

“Nothing. Just a thought.”

Chapter 31

They traveled in coach and the flight was dull. The movie was one Kezia had already seen with Luke, and Alejandro had brought some professional journals to read. They spoke during the meal, but the rest of the time he left her alone. He knew how tense she was, and this time he was not amused when she brought out the flask.