Danielle Steel - Passion's Promise

Edward took charge of her elbow again and led her out to the street. The cold air seemed to restore her. She took a deep breath and felt better.

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to watch you do this to yourself? And for … for …” Her eyes sought his but he couldn’t stop himself anymore. “For nothing. For that … that no one. Kezia, for God’s sake, stop now. Write to him, tell him you don’t want to see him again. Tell him….”

Her words stopped him cold. “Are you telling me this is a choice?” She stood still, watching him.

“What do you mean?” He felt ice trickle slowly down his back.

“You know exactly what I mean. Is this a choice, Edward? Your friendship or his love?”

No, little girl, my love or his. But he couldn’t say that to her.

“Because if that’s what you’re saying … then I’m saying goodbye.” She held out her arm before he could answer and stopped a cab that was passing. It came to a screeching halt just beyond the canopy.

“No, Kezia, I …”

“See you soon, darling.” She pecked at his cheek before he could regain his composure and slipped quickly into the cab. Before he knew it she was gone. Gone. “… then I’m saying goodbye.” How could she? And so heartlessly, without any emotion in her eyes.

But what he didn’t know was that she couldn’t give up Luke. Not for anyone. Not even for him. Luke was her route to escape from the world that had haunted her. Luke had shown her the way out; now she had to stick with him. She couldn’t turn back. Not even for Edward. And alone in the cab, she wanted to die. She had done it. She had killed him. Killed Edward. It was like killing her father … like killing Tiffany again. Why did someone always have to get mutilated, Kezia wondered as she drove uptown, fighting back sobs. And why Edward? Why him? He only had her, and she knew it. But maybe it had to be. She couldn’t leave Luke, and if it was a question of loyalty … Edward could take it. He was so sturdy. He would always weather what had to be borne. He was good about those things. He understood.

Kezia did not know that he would spend the rest of the day walking, looking into faces, looking at women, and thinking of her.

The cab drew up outside the Fifth Avenue address Kezia had given. She was right on time for the meeting. The committee would be beginning to gather. She thought of their faces as she paid the driver the fare…. All those faces … and mink coats … and sapphires … and emeralds … and … she felt a wave of panic sweep over her. The lunch with Edward had left her drained, and she didn’t feel able to cope. She paused for a moment before going inside the building. And then she knew. She couldn’t go in. The prying eyes at La Grenouille had been bad enough. But at least they had to keep their distance. The women on the committee didn’t, and they’d be all over her in an instant, with snide questions and sneering asides. And of course they had all seen the newspaper photographs of her collapsing in court, and read every word of the story. It was simply too much to handle.

The snow crunched beneath her feet as she walked to the corner to hail another cab and go home. She wanted to flee. She had unthinkingly walked back into the insanity of her life before Luke. And even for a day it unnerved her. From cab to cab, from luncheon to meeting to nowhere to nothing to drink to drank to drunk. She wondered what in God’s name she was doing.

It was snowing and she was hatless and without boots, but she pulled the mink coat tightly around her and sank her gloved hands into her pockets. It was only a twelve-block walk to her house, and she needed the air.

She trudged all the way home, her suede shoes soaking wet on her feet, her hair damp, and when she got home her cheeks were aflame and her legs felt icy and numb, but she felt alive and sober again. She had pulled her hair from its knot and let it fall around her shoulders, gathering a mantilla of snow.

The doorman rushed to her side with his half-broken umbrella as he saw her loom from the snow and darkness, and she laughed as he approached.

“No, no, Thomas. I’m fine!” She felt like a child again, and the sodden shoes didn’t matter at all. It was the sort of performance that would have won her days of scolding as a child. Totie might even have reported her to Edward for something like that. But Totie was a thing of the past now, as was Edward. She had seen that today. She could walk in the snow all night now if she wanted. It didn’t really matter. Nothing did. Except Luke.

But at least the buzzing sound had left her head, her shoulders didn’t feel quite so heavy, her spirit felt clean. Even the drinks had been washed away by the cold and the snow.

The doorbell rang just as she peeled off her stockings and stuck her cold feet under the hot water tap in the tub. They tingled and hurt and turned red. She debated answering the door, and decided rapidly not to. It was obviously just the elevator man with a package; had it been a visitor they would have called from downstairs for permission to send someone up. But the bell was persistent, and finally she dried her feet in one of the big monogrammed towels, and ran to the door.

“Yes? Who is it?”

“Cesar Chavez.”

“Who?”

“It’s Alejandro, you dummy.”

She pulled open the door. “Good lord, you look like Frosty the Snowman. Did you walk?”

“All the way.” He looked terribly pleased with himself. “I think I love New York after all. When it snows anyway. Isn’t it great?”

She nodded with a broad smile of agreement. “Come on in.”

“I was hoping you’d say that. They rang from downstairs for ages, but you didn’t answer. The guy said you were home, and I must have looked honest or cold, because he let me come up.”

“I had the water running in the tub.” She looked down at her bare feet which were now almost purple from the return of circulation after the shock of the tub. “I walked home too. It felt great.”

“What happened? Couldn’t find a cab?”

“Nope. I just felt like walking. It was sort of a crazy day, and I needed to unwind.”

“What happened?” He looked faintly worried.

“Nothing much. I had one of those unbearably fancy lunches with Edward, and it was a hell of a strain. Between his dismal failure at not looking disapproving, and the stares of the rest of the people there, not to mention a Women’s Wear reporter creeping up on us … I got a bad case of the freaks. And then to make matters worse, I took myself off to a benefit meeting, and flaked out before I walked in the door. That’s when I decided to walk home.”

“Sounds like you needed it.”

“Yeah. I just can’t play the old games anymore. I can’t even begin to tackle the double life nonsense again, and I won’t do it. That life just doesn’t suit me. I’d rather be here by myself.”

“Are you telling me to leave?”

“Don’t be a jerk.”

He chuckled, and she took his sopping wet coat, and hung it on the kitchen door.

“I must admit, that whole trip sounds pretty bad.”

“Worse … but dahling, how divine you look, isn’t that the wet look by Cardin … oh, and your ring!” She picked up the hand where he had a large rough Indian turquoise. “But the ring is David Webb of course … his nnneeewwww collection, daaahhhling? Ah, and of course sneakers by Macy’s. What an exquisite idea!” She made a face and rolled her eyes. “I mean, Jesus, Alejandro, how can anyone breathe under all that shit?”

“Wear a snorkel?”

“You’re impossible. I’m being serious.”

“Forgive me.” He settled down on the couch after having dumped his sneakers with his coat in the kitchen. “Hell, you used to live that life fairly successfully, didn’t you?”