Gerald Durrell - The Talking Parcel

“As soon as this is under way, two things will happen simul­taneously:

“1. Miss Williamson Smythe-Smythe-Browne and her young ladies, accompanied by our good friend Oswald, will enter the moat and pull out the great plug. The water level will start to go down.

“2. At that moment, I, with a fleet of balloons driven by Firedrakes and with baskets full of Weasels, will take off, fly over the Castle, and land in the great courtyard and on the bat­tlements. Each Weasel will be equipped with fireproof clothing and a lavender water pistol. Their job is to fight and harry the Cockatrices as much as possible.

“Once the water level has dropped in the moat and exposed the drains, two or three of them will be marked by Egbert with red flags. These are the drains that lead directly into the dungeons where the Great Books are kept.

“Now, a big group consisting of Weasels, accompanied by Penelope’s Terrifying Toad Brigade, will make their way up the drains, overpower the sentries, and then stand guard over the Great Books until the Castle is taken.

“Now, is that all quite clear?”

Everyone said it was as clear as crystal.

“Right,” said Simon. “I want you all in your positions at ex­actly six o’clock tomorrow morning, and exactly at half past six the Griffons will fire the first salvo. That’s all, and good luck.” As they were leaving the great banqueting hall, Penelope went up to Ethelred.

“Ethelred, I think it was exceedingly brave of you to go to Cockatrice Castle like that and organize everything so wonder­fully,” she said.

“Oh, it wasn’t nuffink really,” he said. “I told you me mas­tery over disguises was one of me best things.”

“well, I think it was very clever of you,” said Penelope, “and now I’m going to ask you a special favor.”

“Anything, anything at all, miss,” said Ethelred earnestly. “You just tell me and I’ll do it.”

“Promise?” asked Penelope.

“Yes, miss, of course” said Ethelred.

“Well,” said Penelope, “you’re going up the drains with the Terrifying Toads, aren’t you?”

“Yes, miss,” said Ethelred. “I’m leading them, like.”

“I want to come with you,” said Penelope.

“ ’Ere! No, ’old on a minute, miss,” said Ethelred in a panic. “That’s not fair . I can’t take you with me, ’ onest . If anything happened to you I’d never forgive meself, and neither would anyone else.”

“A promise is a promise,” said Penelope. “I’m not just going to sit here while everyone else is doing something. I must come with you, please, Ethelred. I’ll wear one of those nice, red uni­forms and pile my hair up under the hat. I promise to do ex­actly what I’m told and you’ll protect me.”

“Blimey, miss,” said Ethelred miserably. “If any of the others should ’ear of this, they’d skin me, ’onest they would.” “Then you’ll do it?” cried Penelope.

“Well, I promised, didn’t I?” said Ethelred. “So I suppose I’ll ’ave to. Only please, miss, do take care, won’t you, because it won’t ’alf be dangerous.”

“I’ll take great care,” Penelope promised.

Parrot had chosen to be General Overseer over the whole battle. He was to fly round and round the Castle, supervising the action generally and taking reports back to H.H., whose private balloon was to be tethered at a vantage point where he could see what was going on.

At ten minutes to six the following morning H.H.’s balloon slowly rose into the sky at the end of its long, silken rope. H.H. was armed with a lavender water pistol, just in case; a large packet of sandwiches; a bottle of moon-carrot ginger beer; and Parrot’s telescope. Parrot perched on the side of the basket, ready to fly off when the battle commenced.

On the dot of six, the Griffons maneuvered their catapults into position, and a battalion of Weasels placed neat piles of cannonballs by each one. Tabitha ran from pile to pile, heating them up with her breath until they glowed and almost melted.

In the meantime, the Weasels, Toads, Mermaids, and Os­wald had concealed themselves in the cork forest near the edge of the moat. Behind a small range of hills opposite the draw­bridge Peter had drawn up his cavalry and Simon had all his balloons tethered. All was now in readiness, and they waited patiently, and a bit fearfully, for H.H. to give the signal.

At half past six precisely, H.H. leant out of his basket and waved a large, green flag with gold stripes, which was the flag of Mythologia, and the battle for Cockatrice Castle began.

Eight Griffons using their long ladles loaded the golden can­nonballs onto the catapults. Eight other Griffons, at a signal from their leader, pressed the levers and the catapults went off, shooting the golden cannonballs, glittering and whining, through the sky to crash into the battlements of the Castle, where they lay smoldering while the Cockatrices rushed about with buckets of water trying to put them out. After three sal­vos, the top part of the battlements was nearly in ruins and many parts were on fire, and the Cockatrices were so disorga­nized that it was obvious they had been taken unawares. They did manage to drag several of their cannons into new positions and fire a few rounds at the Griffons, but their aim, unlike the Griffons’, was bad.

As this was happening, the great drawbridge suddenly fell with a crash like thunder, and H.H.’s forces knew that Egbert, the Toad, had successfully cut the ropes. Immediately, Peter, in his handsome blue and gold uniform that Penelope had made specially for him, blew the charge on his trumpet. A hundred and fifty Unicorns in lavender and white came over the brow of the hill, shoulder to shoulder. At first they trotted, and as they neared the wide drawbridge, Peter gave an order and they formed a column of four. Another order and they changed from a trot to a canter and then from a canter to a gallop. Nostrils wide, horns flashing in the rising sun, they galloped down toward the drawbridge. As the first wave galloped onto it, their hooves sounded like thunder on the wood, and then there was a splintering crash as their horns dug deeply into the great wooden door.

Wave upon wave of Unicorns thundered across the draw­bridge and crashed into the door, which slowly but surely was starting to splinter and fall to pieces under this onslaught. Des­perately, the Cockatrices dragged some of their huge cauldrons of boiling oil to the edge of the battlements above the draw­bridge and tipped them over. Parrot, circling just above, shouted a warning, and the Unicorns leapt out of the way as the oil splashed and bubbled onto the drawbridge. Then a picked body of Weasels, carrying buckets, ran onto the draw­bridge and scattered sand and gravel over the oil, so that the Unicorns would not slip.

As the first wave of Unicorns was galloping across the draw­bridge, Oswald, carrying Desdemona and her young ladies— riding sidesaddle—on his back, made his way out of the cork forest and down to the moat. The Cockatrices trained their cannon on him and fired again and again. Cannonballs thudded into the ground all round Oswald, hissing through the air and ploughing up the purple grass, but, although he was a large target, neither he nor the Mermaids were hit. They reached the moat safely and submerged beneath the water.

As they did so, from behind the hills Simon’s aerial attack started. The transparent balloons, glittering all the colors of the rainbow with the Firedrakes inside them, rose into the sky. Dangling beneath each was a basket full of infuriated Weasels. The Weasels had, in fact, drunk so much rue that Simon had had great difficulty preventing them from fighting each other as they waited for the signal to take off. As the balloons drifted over the battlements, furious Cockatrices spat great gulps of flame at them, but they were too far away. The Weasels re­taliated by bursts from their lavender water pistols, and they soon had the Cockatrices on the battlements gasping and cough­ing and reeling about with streaming eyes. One of them, in fact, sneezed so hard that he fell into a cauldron of boiling oil. Gradually, the balloons with their cheering cargo of Weasels floated over the battlements and started to descend into the great courtyard.