Gerald Durrell - The Talking Parcel

“Well, we’ll make good use of it now,” said Simon.

The day before the big attack, everybody assembled in the great banqueting hall. There were rows and rows of excited Weasels and Toads, a great clattering, head-nodding group of Unicorns, and a solid wedge of Griffons, their leather aprons all glittering with specks and splashes of melted gold from the cannonballs. There was a great, quivering, squeaking mass of Firedrakes, like a huge, moving flowerbed. There was Miss Williamson Smythe-Smythe-Browne and her young ladies, who had been transported there on Oswald’s back. They were delighted to be on such intimate terms with the King of the Unicorns and the Duke of Weaseldom. There was Oswald himself, blue as a peacock’s feather, ear trumpet at the ready; and Tabitha looking pinker than normal with excitement. At the big banqueting table at one end of the room sat what Simon called the High Command. There was H.H., Parrot and Dulcibelle, Ethelred, Penelope, and the boys. On the table in front of them was the model of Cockatrice Castle.

When they were all assembled, Simon, who had been chosen as spokesman, rose to his feet holding a long stick and banged it on the table for silence. Gradually, everyone stopped squeak­ing, whispering, and rustling, and silence fell.

“Ladies and Gentlemen,” Simon began, “I’ve been asked by H.H. to address you. You all know why we’re here. Our objec­tive is to take Cockatrice Castle, teach the Cockatrices a lesson, and, above all, to rescue the Great Books of Government.”

At this there was a great cheer, a stamping of feet, and a clapping of paws and hooves and hands.

“Now,” continued Simon, “the point is this. We have only one opportunity, so we must make no mistakes. That’s why we’re all gathered here, so that each one knows what he’s going to do. The one thing we must prevent at all costs is the Cocka­trices destroying the Great Books out of spite, which—as you know—they’re more than capable of doing. So our plan of at­tack must keep the enemy so busy he won’t have time to think of destroying the Great Books until it is too late.

“Now, we have some idea of what the Cockatrices are up to, due to the bravery of two members of our group. First, Ethelred Toad here, who with incredible bravery and cunning disguised himself in a masterly way as an Indian snake charmer and made his way into Cockatrice Castle.”

There was a chorus of “Ooos” and a burst of clapping, and Ethelred blushed.

“With the aid of a friend of his, who’s a grass snake, he enter­tained the Cockatrices with conjuring tricks and snake charm­ing. He found out that, although the Cockatrices don’t know ex­actly what we are up to, they know we are up to something and they’re jolly nervous. Ethelred let off a firework, and he says they all ran round in circles, bumping into each other.”

There was a burst of laughing and clapping.

“Early this morning,” Simon went on, grinning, “our one and only indomitable , inimitable , and intrepid Mr. Parrot carried out a daring aerial reconnaissance of the Castle.”

There were cries of “Bravo” and “Three cheers for Parrot,” and much clapping. Parrot bowed to left and right.

“He swooped down low over the battlements and was able to see that the Cockatrices have several cannons in position and cauldrons of boiling oil as well. This seems to be their main defense. Apart from this, they seem to be relying on the moat and the great door to protect them. I may add that Mr. Parrot flew down low over the sentries on the battlements and shouted, ‘Look out, look out, your doom is approaching.’ Where­upon, I am delighted to report, two of them got such a fright they fell off the battlements into the moat.”At this there was cheering and much laughter.

“However,” Simon went on, “although we may laugh, we must not underestimate our opponents. They are wicked, cruel, and dangerous. To show you how important it is that we win, I want Peter to read to you a set of the new regulations that the Cockatrices plan to put into force when they’re govern­ing the country.”

Simon sat down and Peter got to his feet, unrolled a parch­ment scroll, and started to read:

“Item 1. All Phoenixes to be banished from Mythologia, together with any Sea Serpent more than five feet long.” “Blasted nerve!” roared Oswald.

“Item 2. All Dragons to be used for pulling carts of heavy things, like building materials, for the Cockatrices.”

“Cheek,” said Tabitha, going scarlet with rage.

“Item 3. All Unicorns to have their horns cut off and be used to pull carriages for the Cockatrices.”

There was a great whinny of anger and a clattering of horns and hooves from the Unicorns.

“Item 4. All Toads to be used for hatching Cockatrice eggs, scrubbing floors, and serving at table in the Castle.”

The Toads’ eyes all bulged with horror.

“Item 5 . All Mermaids to be used to pull boats and rafts for the Cockatrices, and to scrub out the moat round the Castle three times a week.”

“The impudence! The impertinence! Scrub out moats? Me, what’s so well connected?” said Desdemona in a fury.

“Item 6. All Weasels to be used as nursemaids, cooks, foot­men, gardeners, and so forth at Cockatrice Castle.”

“Me, Duke of Weaseldom, a Cockatrice’s nurse?" said Wensleydale in horror. “Me, the Cockatrices’ footman?”

“Item 7. H.H. to work for the Cockatrices and to help them with the spells.”

“Never," shouted H.H. “Never, never, never .”

And everybody clapped and cheered.

“Item 8. Things to be encouraged:

“An enormous increase in the number of Cockatrices, so that they may rule the country.

“A steady increase in the number of Mandrakes, Werewolves, and other sober, intelligent, and likeable members of the com­munity.”

At this there was such a roar of rage and fury, such a turmoil and such a shouting, it was like a clap of thunder. Wensleydale got so excited that he hit Winifred on the head with his gold- mounted cane, by mistake. Toads waved their pikes with such anger that several Weasels got black eyes, and four of the more sensitive Firedrakes fainted. It was a good five minutes before order was restored and Simon could make himself heard.

“Now,” he said, “you see why it is so important we should win.”

“Yes, yes,” shouted everyone.

“Very well,” said Simon. “Now, I’d like you all to pay atten­tion while I tell you how we’re going to attack and what each of you has to do.”

Everybody watched eagerly as he pushed the model of Cock­atrice Castle into the middle of the table where they could all see it.

“Now, this is a model of Cockatrice Castle,” he said, point­ing with his rod, “and, as you can see, it is shaped rather like a wedding cake, with a hollow center and four towers. The hol­low center is the great courtyard. Here, around it, is the moat, and here is the drawbridge and the door into the Castle. Is that clear to you all?”

“Yes, yes, quite clear,” said everyone.

“Well, this is how we shall attack,” said Simon. “On the left and on the right of the Castle will be two bands of Griffons with five catapults apiece. The gold cannonballs will be heated by Tabitha before firing, so that they will set fire to anything they land on, just to cause a nuisance. Now, as soon as the Griffons fire the first salvo, a highly trained Toad, a cousin of Ethelred’s called Egbert, who’s already in the Castle, will cut the ropes that will bring the drawbridge down. Unfortunately, he can’t open the big doors on his own, but as soon as the drawbridge is down the doors will be charged and broken down by repeated battering from my brother Peter’s noble troop of Unicorn Cavalry.