Janet Evanovich - Takedown Twenty

“They got good gravy there,” Mary said. “I’m partial to gravy.”

I cuffed Mary’s hands in front of her so she could eat, and we loaded her into my backseat.

“I don’t mean to be rude or nothing,” Lula said to Mary, “but you stink.”

“I don’t smell nothing,” Mary said.

Lula powered her window down. “You smell like dead fish.”

“That’s because I’m one of them green people. I don’t participate in fertilizing my plants with that phony nitrogen stuff. I wait until there’s a fish kill in the river and then I go collect all the dead fish that wash up. I let them rot out, and I use them for plant food. It’s why I grow such quality product. You get weed from Mary Treetrunk and you know it’s good organic shit.”

“Is there lots of fish kills?” Lula asked.

“Yep. There’s dead fish laying around all the time. Some of them only got one eye, and a couple times I found fish with two heads.”

I returned to Broad Street, drove to Cluck-in-a-Bucket, and loaded up at the drive-through. Mary was happy in the backseat with a bag filled with breakfast sandwiches, a bucket of chicken, and a side of biscuits and gravy. Lula had a super-sized diet cola, a single breakfast sandwich, and a medium box of chicken nuggets. No biscuits. No gravy. No apple pie for dessert. I assumed this relatively small portion for her was the result of listening to the car groan under Mary’s weight and not wanting to go there. The other possibility was nausea from the fish stench.

I pulled out of the lot, onto the street, and a black Cadillac Escalade with a satellite dish on the roof passed me going in the opposite direction.

“That’s the car!” Lula said. “That’s the dart gun car.”

I checked my rearview mirror and saw the Escalade make a U-turn. It zoomed up to my bumper and gave me a tap.

“What the heck?” Lula said. “I almost spilled my soda. I think they hit us on purpose.”

“Can you see who’s driving?”

Lula turned in her seat. “I can see him, but I don’t know him.”

There were cars stopped for a traffic light in front of me. I slowed for the light, and the Escalade tapped me again. The passenger side door on the Escalade opened, a guy got out, pulled a gun, and ran for my car. It was the cinderblock guy who had tried to throw me into the river.

I pulled out of the line of stopped traffic, jumped the curb, and drove across three front lawns. I hit the cross street hard, with the rear of the car scraping the cement curb. The muffler fell off with a loud klunk , and I roared away, fishtailing and leaving behind what meager tread had been left on my tires.

Lula had her foot braced on the dash, and Mary had her food clutched to her chest.

“What the Sam Hill?” Mary exclaimed.

I paused at the corner and looked back. The Escalade had followed me across the lawns but was now stopped in the middle of the road.

“What’s going on?” I asked Lula.

“I don’t know. They’re stopped, and the one guy is out of the car again. Looks like he’s trying to grab hold of something. I think they might have run over your muffler.”

We brought Mary into the police station, and everyone took a step back from us.

“I’m gonna have to burn my clothes,” Lula said. “I’m never getting this fish smell out, and this top was one of my favorites. I’m putting in to Connie for damages done on the job. Vinnie’s gonna have to buy me a new outfit. We’re gonna have to stop someplace on the way back to the office, because I’m not contaminating my Firebird with this smell. I’ll have a pack of cats following me down the street.”

I got my body receipt from the docket lieutenant and ran into Morelli on the way out.

“Wow!” he said. “Holy sweet Jesus. What’s that smell?”

“I just brought Mary Treetrunk in,” I told him.

“That would explain it.”

“I don’t suppose there’s any breaking news on the Dumpster murders.”

“Only that the chemistry hasn’t been helpful. Butch got the latest report back from the state lab and it didn’t show anything useful. The women were clean. Anything new happening in your life today?”

“My muffler fell off.”

“Yeah, but it turned out to be a good thing,” Lula said. “On account of the guy with the gun who was chasing us ran over the muffler, and it got stuck under his car. So you see, everything happens for a reason, right? All’s well that ends well.”

Morelli’s face went blank for a moment. “Seriously?” he finally said.

“It was one of those random encounters,” I told him.

“I can’t stand here talking anymore,” Lula said. “My eyes are burning. I got to de-fish myself.”

I told Morelli I’d talk to him later, and Lula and I chugged off across town to T.J. Maxx on South Broad Street. After five minutes we pretty much had the store to ourselves. Lula went with a silver sequined tank top and a short fuchsia handkerchief skirt that looked like it should be worn by the Sugar Plum Fairy. I stuck with my fish jeans and T-shirt since I was going to have to find money for a new muffler.

I dropped Lula off at the office and drove to my parents’ house. I could throw my clothes in the washer, mooch lunch, and grill Grandma on the dead women all at the same time. And hopefully it would go okay and my mother wouldn’t be dragging the ironing board out when I left.

“Look who’s here,” Grandma said, opening the front door for me. “What a good surprise, but holy cow you smell like dead fish.”

“Occupational hazard,” I said. “Is my father here?”

“No. He’s out with the cab. It’s just me and your mother.”

I stripped down to my undies and handed my jeans and T-shirt to Grandma. “I’m going upstairs to take a shower. Throw these in the washing machine for me.”

I washed my hair twice and stood under the shower until the water turned cold.

“I left clothes for you on the bed in the spare room,” Grandma yelled through the door. “Lucky I had some new underwear.”

I toweled off and went in search of the clothes. There are three small bedrooms on the second floor of my parents’ house. One for my mom and dad. Grandma Mazur slept in what used to be my sister’s room. And the third used to be mine. It was left intact for a number of years after I moved out, but gradually it changed into the spare room and my things migrated to my apartment.

Grandma had laid out a bright yellow thong and matching yellow sports bra with the tags still attached. The mental picture of Grandma in the underwear wasn’t good, but I liked that she felt comfortable buying it and wearing it. She was a little shorter than me, and our flesh was arranged differently, but the thong and the bra fit just fine. The lavender and white silky running suit she left for me was a whole other matter. Good enough to get me through lunch, but I was praying my own clothes would be dry before I was ready to leave the house.

My mother had the table set by the time I came down. “I have tomato soup and lunch meat for a sandwich,” she said. “Or I can make you a grilled cheese.”

“Tomato soup and grilled cheese would be great,” I said.

“Me too,” Grandma said. “I want extra cheese.”

I sat at the table across from Grandma. “I need some help with the women who were murdered. When I discovered they all played Bingo I thought that might be the common interest that would lead me to the murderer, but I couldn’t single out a suspect at either game. There has to be something else the women had in common that they would come into contact with the murderer.”

“I didn’t know Melvina,” Grandma said. “I knew Bitsy Muddle, Lois Fratelli, and Rose Walchek. Poor Rose is going to be laid out tomorrow. I had to cancel a date so I could go. I heard you could see the cord marks on Rose’s neck. I hope they don’t get too covered up. I wouldn’t mind seeing something like that.”