Janet Evanovich - Takedown Twenty

“And?”

“Disaster!” I pushed him toward the door. “This is a sign,” I told him. “An act of God. I swear I’m going to church tomorrow.”

“That sounds extreme,” Ranger said.

“Morelli wanted to see me tonight but he promised his brother he’d go to the ball game with him. And now it’s raining!”

“Babe,” Ranger said, “you need to make some decisions.”

“I made decisions. I’m just having a hard time sticking to them.”

Ten minutes after Ranger left, Morelli showed up with Bob and a box of hot dogs. He shucked his shoes and his soaking wet windbreaker in the foyer and handed the box to me. “It started raining and they put the hot dogs on sale.”

I took the hot dogs into the kitchen, pulled the six-pack of beer from the fridge, and we stood at the sink and tore into hot dogs and beer. Morelli flipped a hot dog to Bob, who snatched it out of the air and ate it in one gulp.

“Catch any murderers tonight?” Morelli asked me.

“No. But Lula, Grandma, and I got kicked out of the Senior Center.”

Morelli looked over his hot dog at me. “So the night wasn’t a complete bust.”

“True. It’s not like I didn’t accomplish anything . How was the game?”

“Short.”

I debated telling him about Uncle Sunny getting an assful of buckshot, but decided against it. He’d find out soon enough, and he’d probably calm down by the time I saw him again.

Morelli polished off a third hot dog and slung an arm around my shoulders. “Do you know what I’d like now?”

“Ice cream?”

“Not even close.” He kissed my neck.

“Remember I have a broken finger.”

“I can work around it.”

I woke up smelling coffee. I opened my eyes as Morelli was setting a mug on my bedside table.

“How’s your finger?” he asked.

“Okay. How’s your leg?”

“It’s okay. I’m on my way out. I need to walk Bob and take him home. What’s going on with you today? Anything I should know about?”

“Bingo at the firehouse tonight.”

“Another chance to create chaos,” Morelli said. “Go for it.”

He kissed me on the top of my head, Bob gave me a slurp on the cheek, and they left.

I sipped my coffee and thought about my day. Probably it wasn’t going to be great. I took a shower, pulled my hair into a ponytail, and swiped on extra mascara to perk up my mood. I had a leftover hot dog for breakfast and headed for the office. I got the call just as I parked in the bonds office lot.

“Notice how calm I am,” Morelli said. “I’m not yelling, right?”

“Right.”

“You should know it’s costing me. I can feel myself getting a double hernia from keeping it in.”

“I’m supposing you heard something.”

“ Everyone heard. It’s stopped just short of the morning news on CNN. What the heck happened?”

“What did you hear?” I asked him.

“I heard that you caught Sunny taking the garbage out for Rita, and you filled him with buckshot.”

“Actually, Rita was the one who shot Sunny. She was trying to shoot me, but she got him by mistake.”

“That doesn’t even make me feel better,” Morelli said.

“Lula, Grandma, and I were doing surveillance, and one thing led to another, and Sunny got a load of buckshot. How is he?”

“He’ll live. My mother said he got a few pellets in his leg and his ass.”

“Your mother said ‘ass’?”

“She said ‘buttock,’ but I feel stupid saying ‘buttock.’ My crazy grandmother is going to be on the rampage.”

“She already condemned me to hell. What’s left?”

“She could send you there sooner rather than later, and I wouldn’t be happy to have a dead girlfriend and a grandmother behind bars.”

“Do you really think she’d shoot me?”

“No. She’d poison you. She’s Sicilian. She’d get you with a meatball.”

I said goodbye on that happy thought and walked myself into the office.

“I’m not driving you anymore,” Lula said to me. “Every time I take you somewhere, people shoot at us.”

“Not every time.”

Vinnie stuck his head out of his office. “Way to go, cuz. I hear there’s a contract out on you for shooting up Uncle Sunny.”

“I didn’t shoot Sunny. Rita shot Sunny.”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass who shot Sunny,” Vinnie said. “Bottom line is he’s still out there, and I’m in the red for a lot of money. And you know what happens when this agency is in the red? Harry gets nervous. And you know what happens when Harry gets nervous? He smashes things… like fingers and knees and private parts I’m real fond of. So get on your horse and make a freaking capture. The guy’s full of buckshot. He’s not gonna be moving fast. How hard could it be to run him down?”

“He’s never alone,” I said to Vinnie. “He’s got bodyguards. And no one will snitch on him.”

“Not everyone likes him,” Vinnie said. “A guy like Sunny makes enemies. Mostly they have a short life expectancy, but there’s gotta be someone out there who wants him caught besides me. Be creative, for crissake!”

The front door to the bail bonds office crashed open and Bella took two steps in and pointed her finger at me.

“You!” she said. “Devil woman. You shoot my nephew. Now I shoot you.”

She pulled an ancient six-shooter out of her purse, aimed, and fired off a shot that went wide. I rushed her before she could gather herself together and took her to the floor.

“Cuffs!” I yelled, wrestling the gun from Bella, holding her down. “Someone cuff her!”

Connie peeked out from behind her desk and tossed cuffs my way. I snapped them on Bella and got her up on her feet. Her lips were pressed tight together, and her eyes looked like steel bearing balls.

“What the hell?” Vinnie asked. “What’s going on?”

I sat Bella in one of the cheap orange plastic chairs and called Morelli.

“You know your meatball theory?” I said to him. “You were wrong. Your grandmother is here with a revolver. You need to come get her.”

“Was anyone hurt?”

“No one was hurt, but I think Vinnie messed his pants.”

It took Morelli fifteen minutes to get across town. Bella still hadn’t said a word. Vinnie was barricaded in his private office. Lula and Connie were hunkered down at the back of the room, where Bella couldn’t see them to give them the eye.

Morelli looked at his handcuffed grandmother, the hole in the far wall, and the revolver on Connie’s desk.

“You’re right,” he said to me. “That’s no meatball.”

“She the devil,” Bella said. “She shoot your godfather, a good man. And she do this to a granny. She have no respect. Look how she treat a poor old lady.”

Morelli blew out a sigh. “Where’d you get the gun?”

“I got lots. An old lady got to protect herself.”

He unlocked her cuffs. “You can’t go around shooting people. It’s against the law, and it’s not nice.”

“I spit on the law,” Bella said. “I do what’s right.”

Morelli took the six-shooter in one hand and held on to his grandmother with the other.

“Thanks for the phone call,” he said to me. “Sorry she shot at you.”

Bella flipped us the bird and marched out with Morelli.

Vinnie opened his door a crack. “Is she gone?”

Connie made the sign of the cross. “Maybe we should bring in a priest. Do an exorcism or something. I could call Father Lenny.”

“Forget Father Lenny,” I said. “I need donuts. Lots of them.”

TEN

“I GOTTA GO feed Kevin,” Lula said. “We could get the donuts on the way.”

“Do you already have his lettuce?”