Meg Cabot - Boy Meets Girl

—or any other basis protected by federal, state, or local law or ordinance of regulation. All such harassment is unlawful. Prohibited unlawful harassment includes, but is not limited to, the following behavior:—

Shut up. God, I hate this. By the way, I said I’d bring dessert. Can I have your lemon-bar recipe?

Does Mitch really strike you as the lemon-bar type? I think he’s more seven-layer cookie, myself.

Verbal misconduct such as epithets, derogatory jokes or comments, slurs or unwanted sexual advances.

Seven-layer cookies are too heavy.

For what? For a little apres dinner—

Visual misconduct such as derogatory and/or sexually oriented posters, photography, cartoons, or gestures, including those accessed or sent via e-mail.

SHUT UP!

How did you know what I was going to write?

Physical conduct such as assault, unwanted touching, blocking normal movement or interfering with work because of sex, race, or any other protected basis.

Because I know you. God, this is so BORING!

You’re telling me. Why is she wearing tan pantyhose? Are we all supposed to believe she went to Aruba for the weekend, and only her legs got tan?

Threats and demands to submit to sexual requests as a condition of continued employment, or to avoid some other loss, and offers of employment benefits in return for sexual favors; and—

She must have run out of nude ones. And I know for a fact that she didn’t go to Aruba for the weekend.

—retaliation for having reported or threatened to report harassment.

I saw her at the Met Saturday night.

If you/one of your clients believe you/he/she have/has been unlawfully harassed, provide a written or verbal complaint. Your complaint should include details of the incident(s), names of the—

Do you suppose she and Stuart went home afterwards and had torrid sex?

Ew! Thanks for the visual.

—individuals involved, and names of any witnesses. The Company will immediately undertake—

Well, that must be the only reason he likes her, right? She has no other redeeming qualities. I mean, she’s a power-hungry, back-stabbing, two-faced uber bitch.

—effective, thorough, and objective investigation of the harassment allegations. If the Company determines that unlawful harassment has occurred, effective remedial action—

The B word! You can’t use the B word on the staff meeting minutes! My God, what’s wrong with you, Jen?????

—will be taken in accordance with the circumstances involved. Any employee determined by the Company to be responsible for unlawful harassment will be subject to appropriate disciplinary—

Well, you know it’s true. It has to be the sex. She must just give BJODs all day long.

—action, up to and including termination. Whatever action is taken against the harasser will be—

Wait . . . what are BJODs again?

—made known to the employee lodging the complaint and the Company will take appropriate—

Oh, my little Kentucky innocent. Blow jobs on demand.

—action to remedy any loss to the employee resulting from harassment. The Company will not—

EW!!!! Would you stop???? Besides, it’s not like he’s such a great catch himself. I mean, he’s no George Clooney in the looks department, and does he even HAVE a personality?Or a sense of humor? It’s not just anyone that Mrs. Lopez refuses to serve pie to, you know. She’s very discriminating.

—retaliate against you for filing a complaint and will not tolerate or permit retaliation by management, employees or coworkers. The Company encourages all employees to report any incidents of harassment forbidden by this policy immediately so that complaints can be quickly and fairly addressed.

Yeah, well, so’s Amy. And she is not the type to get engaged to anybody worth less than a million a year. I mean, you got that kind of money coming in, you can overlook any bald spot and inordinately small unit.

Would you stop??? Not in the middle of trust games!!!!

I hate these frigging trust games. What the hell are they supposed to establish?

Um. That would be trust. Amongst your coworkers.

Please. I wouldn’t trust Amy to warn me not to cross the street in the path of an oncoming bus. Do you really think I’m going to trust her to catch me as I fall backwards?

That’s not the one we’re doing today. And besides, we’re supposed to be learning them so that we can go around to the different divisions and have them do it. You know. Little trust workshops amongst the staff.

Please. Can you imagine doing the lap sit in Features? George Sanchez would crush everyone beneath his massive girth.

As a Human Resources representative, Jen, you are not supposed to show bias against weight-challenged individuals.

Whatever! George just needs to lay off the Krispy Kremes. Which he wouldn’t be half so tempted by, if the T.O.D. hadn’t fired Mrs. Lopez. Wait. WHAT did she just say we’re supposed to be doing?

Oh my God, you so need to be off those hormones. We’re supposed to be dividing up into groups and building shelters for ourselves—

Don’t even tell me. Using those old back copies of the Journal she’s got lying over there?

Yes. But we aren’t allowed to use tape or scissors.

Motherf******!

JEN!

Seriously, this is the stupidest—

Uh-oh, she’s dividing us into groups now.

I’d better be in your group, or—

To: Amy Jenkins

Fr: Stuart Hertzog

Re: Ida Lopez

Sweetheart, I have done everything I can to prevent it, but the fact is, I simply can’t get you out of a pretrial discovery conference with Mitch. He is insisting that it be sometime this week, and so I thought tomorrow would be best. . . . That way we can get it over with. And you don’t have to worry, because I’ll be right by your side the whole time.

He wants Kate Mackenzie there, as well. God knows why. I’ve given up trying to second-guess my brother. He is, not to put too fine a point on it, a freak of nature. If it were not for the fact that I remember our mother being pregnant with him, I would suspect he was adopted. I promise you none of the other Hertzogs are like Mitch.

Well, except for possibly my sister Janice. But she’s young enough that hopefully any defects in her character can still be cured.

But like I said, he is a fine, fine lawyer. Remember, I love you, and would never let anyone or anything hurt you.

After the depo, I’ll take you to lunch, anywhere you want to go.

All my love,

Stuart

Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

New York, NY 10022

212-555-7900

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: Trust Games

Told you we’d trounce those losers.

J

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: Trust Games

Yeah, but, Jen, we’ve known each other since college. The Reception staff turns over every six months. Did you really think they were going to have their house up faster, or that it would be more secure than ours?

Kate

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: Trust Games

Come on! They’re younger than we are! And we kicked their asses! Even when Amy came by and tied that scarf around your head, we STILL beat them. With one of our team members BLIND!

And what about the Budget staff? Some of them have worked together for YEARS, and we still beat them. WE RULE!!!

J

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: Trust Games

I’d forgotten about this competitive side of yours. It’s been a while since we played Scrabble, I guess. It isn’t really a very attractive trait, Jen.

Kate

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Jen Sadler