Edeet Ravel - Look for Me

Alex stil had white hair, of course, but it was very short now. He was a professional musician, and he’d worked with just about every singer and group in the country. He was also active in Gays Against the Occupation; he was the one who had come up with their slogan, No Pride in the Occupation. Alex was the only volunteer Volvo didn’t complain about, and the only one who could tease Volvo. He cal ed him

“pinup boy,” “irresistible,” “heart hrob,” “sex object.” Remarkably, Volvo was amused.

Alex answered the door. “Dana! I’m happy to see you. My handsome friend and I are having a heart-to-heart.”

Volvo was sit ing in his chair, and I could tel that they real y had been having a serious conversation.

“Hi, Volvo.”

“Hi, Dana,” Volvo said courteously, possibly for the first time since I’d known him.

“Alex, when you have a moment, can I see you? It’s about Daniel. You don’t mind, Volvo, do you?”

Volvo waved his hand regal y to indicate his consent, and Alex fol owed me to my at. We sat on the sofa and Alex took my hand and held it in his lap. His transparent blue eyes danced because of his astigmatism, but made him look as if he was concentrating hard on what you were saying and deliberating upon every word.

“Listen, Alex. I’ve found Daniel.”

“You found him! Where? Have you seen him?”

“No, not yet. In the end it was so easy. I could have found him years ago. I don’t want to think about that.”

“I was sure he was hiding in some cave in India. I never thought we’d find him. Wel , where is he?”

“He’s in Qal’at al-Maraya.”

“Real y!”

“Yes. He doesn’t know I’ve found him. And I haven’t told anyone. I have to see him first, before I let anyone know.”

“How did you find out, after al this time?”

“The army knew al along. Someone high up gave it to me.”

“That simple …Poor Dana, after al your ef orts. Crazy. Qal’at al-Maraya. What was he thinking?”

“I’m going to ask El a to help me get to him.”

“Good idea.”

“I should let you get back to Volvo.”

“He’s fine. Are you?”

“Of course! I’ve never been happier in my life—I don’t know how I’l survive until I see him.”

“He’s not going to be exactly the same, honey.”

“I know. But he’s stil Daniel.”

“Yes, but people change. You have to be prepared for that. People go through things, their lives change, they’re not the same people. Look at me. Twenty years ago I was wandering from party to party like some lost minstrel, stoned out of my mind most of the time. Now I’m a member of the bourgeoisie, and I spend my days worrying about my credit rating.”

“The basic things stay the same.”

“Wel , it’s true I’ve always been gay! By the way, our friend Volvo has just decided he’s gay, too.”

“Oh yes, he mentioned something. Wel …I guess it’s possible.”

“He wants me to take him to a gay bar.”

“That’s great news! Final y, a sign of life. Who knows, he might meet someone.”

“For sure he’l meet someone. He’s quite good-looking. Dana, be careful. I’m not happy about you wandering around Qal’at al-Maraya.”

“I’l go with El a, everyone knows her.’

“That’s a good idea, angel. Though you know, our marvelous army shot at El a’s car a few months ago. It was a miracle she wasn’t kil ed.”

“Yes, I remember.”

He shook his head. “Poor Daniel. Living in what is at the moment one of the planet’s hel holes.”

“Some parts of Qal’at al-Maraya are real y beautiful—it’s not like he’s living in a refugee camp. But I guess it’s bad everywhere on the strip now.”

now.”

“Good luck, sweetie. Cal me if you need anything.”

He let himself out, and I stayed on the sofa, motionless, al my emotions on hold.

I was stil sit ing on the sofa and staring into space when Ra came over. He brought food: spices in glass jars, vegetables, an interesting assortment of grains. I watched him as he took the items out of plastic bags. We didn’t touch; we were both shy today.

“So, where is he?” Rafi asked. “And can I get a cup of cof ee around here?”

“Yes, of course. He’s in Qal’at al-Maraya.”

“Qal’at al-Maraya! Wel , that’s interesting.”

“Yes.”

“I wonder how he managed to keep that a secret. Everyone knows everything in this country. Especial y something like that.”

“I’m so angry at the army. They knew al along.”

“Maybe the people you spoke to didn’t know.” He lit a cigaret e; he seemed very tense.

“I had no help at al . No one wanted to help me nd him, not his family, not my friends, no one. Certainly no one in any of the o ces I went to. I didn’t know who to turn to.”

“People think they know what’s best for us.”

“Why? Why would that be best for me?”

“I don’t know. Maybe they thought he’d gone mad. Maybe they didn’t want you to go running after him and move there also.”

“Why would it be classified information, though? I just don’t understand.”

“Maybe it isn’t classified, just not easily available.”

“I’m thinking back to that woman, that woman who spent a lot of time trying to look Daniel up on her computer, just because she was on my side, you know. She probably wasn’t even supposed to be going in, but she was alone in the o ce, and she began checking al sorts of things. She found out that he was in Qal’at al-Maraya. And she just decided not to tel me. Or else she was afraid of get ing into trouble. I remember now that when she was reading the screen a weird look came over her face. What right does she have to ruin my life? What right do they have to keep that sort of information from me?”

“What wil you do now?”

“He has to see that I stil love him. He must be so lonely there.”

“You don’t know, Dana. You don’t know what his life is like. Maybe he’s found a way to be happy. Maybe he’s made some close friends. I wonder how he managed to get in, though. How he got them to trust him, I can’t imagine it.”

“Yes, it was right in the middle of the uprising.”

“You’re right … eleven years ago … It seems impossible. They would never have trusted him, a former soldier, wounded, I wonder how he did it.”

“You’re very tense, Rafi.”

“That’s the first time you’ve used my name.”

“Real y?”

“Real y.”

“I can’t believe that. I’m sorry. Rafi. Rafi. I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you.”

“Are you upset?”

“Let’s put on some music.” He went over to my CD col ection and put on a record that had just come out, various artists singing Jacky’s greatest hits. The clear pure voice of one of my favorite female vocalists l ed the room. A carnival of fools, showgirls on the shore, shrapnel in the air, sand on the floor. Come dance with me, dance with me, for the sake of the dream, and we’l both pretend that we can be seen.

“I have to tel my father,” I said. “I have to cal him. What time is it in Belgium?”

“I think they’re around three or four hours back, I’m not sure.”

“I’m cal ing, I can’t wait.”

It took me a few minutes to find my father’s number; I almost never phoned him. He sounded groggy when he answered.

“Dad? It’s me.”

“What’s happened?” he asked, immediately worried.

“Nothing, nothing, it’s good news.”

“Ah, the kind I like. Hold on, hold on. Just a second, I can’t hear without my glasses. Ah, here …Yes.”

“I found Daniel’s address.”