Jill Smolinski: The Next Thing on My List

‘ No shit. Haven’ t we already had this discussion? Yes, I hope to adopt a baby. Now turn the light off and let me go back to sleep.’

‘ You don’ t understand. Not any baby. My baby& that is, I mean Deedee’ s baby. I think she’ ll go for it. You’ re my family, so that’ s practically the same as me. You’ d be a great dad. And I realize that Charlotte doesn’ t want to adopt, but if we explain to her that this isn’ t some distant dream-that it’ s a real baby due in a month-maybe she’ d change her mind.’

Bob sat up in the bed, rubbing his eyes awake. ‘ Slow down. You’ ve lost me here. Why would you want us to adopt your baby?’

I sat on the edge of the bed. ‘ Because somebody needs to, and I can’ t do it.’ The words fell like bricks around me.

‘ You can’ t do it?’

I shook my head. ‘ Or I shouldn’ t, anyway.’

‘ Why?’

‘ I’ ve been trying to come up with the answer to that question myself. I guess that I wanted to change somebody’ s life so badly that I convinced myself that my biological clock was ticking. I don’ t know& now I’ m wondering if it was just gas.’ I gave a halfhearted smile. ‘ Instead of getting excited as the due date gets closer, I’ m more and more certain it’ s the biggest mistake of my life.’

‘ You’ re scared. I’ ll bet everybody feels that way.’

‘ If you were about to get a baby, is that how you’ d feel? Scared?’

‘ Sure. A little.’

‘ But mostly you’ d be thrilled, right?’

‘ Yeah.’

‘ I’ m not. Not at all. I’ m either pretending it’ s not going to happen, or I’ m giving myself a pep talk. Trying to convince myself it’ s going to be all right. That I’ ll be fine once the baby shows up. But then tonight when I heard you talk about everything you’ ve been through to have a baby, I couldn’ t pretend anymore. I’ m not ready to be a mom. At least not on my own. Not this way.’

Ever since I’ d said good night to Bob a few hours before, my mind had been reeling. The growing feeling of unease that had started when I forgot Deedee’ s due date couldn’ t be ignored anymore. This wasn’ t a task that I was crossing off a list. It was a baby-a soon-to-be living, breathing baby. I’ d been preparing to grit my teeth and go through with the adoption. Suddenly I realized how wrong it would be. Sure, I’ d be a better parent than a fourteen-year-old girl, but not much better. Yet I couldn’ t leave Deedee in the lurch with only a month to go. She’ d made plans with her life. Walking into her house on Saturday and saying, ‘ I’ ve changed my mind,’ was unthinkable. But telling her I’ d found a better situation-a couple who I knew for certain would give her baby girl everything she deserved to have-that I could do.

‘ You’ re serious about this,’ Bob said.

‘ As a heart attack.’

A smile crept across his face. ‘ You know, Charlotte might go for this. The thought that there’ s a baby who needs her-one who’ d otherwise be stuck with a mom who’ s only doing it because she said she would, not because she has any real interest.’

‘ I’ m not that bad,’ I said defensively.

‘ Whatever. What I’ m saying is, I couldn’ t come up with any other way to convince Charlotte to adopt, but this might work. She was good and pissed that you were getting a baby. She kept talking about how she would be so much better a mother to that baby than you could ever be. How it deserved two parents, not one who can barely manage to keep a plant alive, much less a child. This would be her chance to prove it.’

I was half about to rescind my offer, insulted as I was, when I realized my brother was already dialing his cell phone.

‘ Sugarplum, it’ s me& . I’ m fine& . Yes, I know I suck for taking off and it’ s the middle of the night, but listen& ‘ And he went on to propose the idea. He’ d been right-it didn’ t take a great deal of arm-twisting to get Charlotte to agree with this new plan. In fact, when he said the baby was due in a month, I could hear her squeal through the phone.

Over the next half hour on the phone, we made arrangements for Bob to go back to San Diego and pick up Charlotte, who was already saying she’ d be willing to relocate to Los Angeles if that’ s what it took. They’ d come up Saturday morning and go to Deedee’ s with me. She’ d have a chance to meet them, and if all went well, we could arrange to switch over the adoption papers right there. I could practically hear Charlotte decorating the nursery as we spoke, and I’ d be willing to bet anything she had names picked out.

Before he hung up, Bob said quietly, ‘ Char, it’ s so incredible. After all the waiting, this could be it.’

FRIDAY AFTERNOON, Martucci came into my office with a box of Matchbox cars left over from a promotion we’ d run last year. ‘ What did you want these for?’

‘ Just in the nick of time! They’ re for my meeting with Bigwood at three o’ clock.’ As I grabbed the box, I looked at him and said, ‘ Hey, there’ s something different about you. What is it?’

‘ That’ s perfect the way you said that. Bigwood will eat it up. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, you know.’

‘ I mean it! You look different.’

He shrugged me off. ‘ So tell me why you wanted these cars.’

I showed him the four-by-six-foot 3-D freeway map I’ d spent most of the morning making. I was especially pleased with the way my clay foothills had turned out.

Martucci grimaced. ‘ Your fifth-grade science project?’

‘ It’ s so I can demonstrate the freeway race. See, I’ ll take the cars and go vroom-vroom like this’ -I took two toy cars and set them on my model-’ and the one in the carpool lane will win.’

Martucci was silent, which had me worried. He wasn’ t one to hold back.

‘ What?’

‘ Nothing.’

‘ Tell me.’

‘ All right. That is the stupidest thing I’ ve ever seen.’

Slumping, I groaned, ‘ It’ s the best I could do. Troy Jones was supposed to help me do a live race on real freeways, but he bailed.’

‘ Why didn’ t you ask me to do it?’

Good question. Why hadn’ t I asked? Maybe it was because he didn’ t have a spiffy race outfit like Troy said he’ d wear.

‘ Oh, it would be wonderful if you could-’

‘ Too late. I didn’ t drive in today, and the motor home’ s off getting washed.’

‘ Then I’ m back to the science project.’ I sighed. ‘ Because I’ m sure not going to stand there and talk about my idea.’

‘ Why not?’

‘ Phyllis told me that I had to wow Bigwood. She said that’ s what he expects-wowing.’

‘ I agree, but a race is a race. You can describe it in a sentence-only a moron wouldn’ t get it. You’ re missing the point. A race isn’ t what you’ re selling Bigwood.’

‘ Oh yeah? What am I selling?’

Martucci crossed his arms and leaned on the edge of my desk. ‘ You.’

‘ Then I’ m doomed.’ When he rolled his eyes at me, I said, ‘ I’ m serious. I already tried that before-I wrote a big proposal with all kinds of ideas saying why I was so great, and he gave my job to Lizbeth.’

‘ I doubt Bigwood ever read your proposal. Even if he did-and don’ t take this the wrong way-I don’ t blame him for skipping you over before.’

‘ Thanks a lot!’

‘ It’ s true. Frankly, you didn’ t seem that excited about anything-like you were just going through the motions. I always got the impression that you were only here because you didn’ t have anywhere else to go.’

‘ Well, that’ s not how I felt. You didn’ t know me.’

‘ Except for Susan, I don’ t think anybody knew you.’

It was hard to have a comeback for that.