Jill Smolinski - The Next Thing on My List

‘ Did you ever?’

‘ C’ mon& pregnant with twins? I wished I could have thought of something else. Or slept, for that matter. But in your case, I can see how it would happen. It’ s not as if people are constantly coming up to you and feeling your belly.’ She chewed her lip. ‘ June, I hate to say this now. It’ s extremely bad timing. But I’ m going to say it anyway. No one-and I mean no one-would fault you if you were having second thoughts.’

‘ I’ m not having second thoughts.’

‘ Are you sure? Because if you wanted to back out, it would be fine.’

I steeled my shoulders. ‘ I’ m not backing out.’

‘ Good,’ she said, picking up her food tray and standing to leave. ‘ Because as we speak, there are thirty people gathered in my office with gifts for you. So if you’ re going to go through with it, you’ ll have a few nice things for the baby. If you might change your mind, don’ t remove any of the tags.’ We tipped our trays into the trash can. Susan added, ‘ Oh, and act surprised.’

MERYL STREEP can rest assured-her job is safe. I threw my hands to my face and squealed after they shouted, ‘ Surprise!’ but everybody figured out that Susan had clued me in.

No matter. I still scored plenty of loot.

At long last, after years of chipping in for everybody else’ s weddings and babies and buying Girl Scout cookies and magazine subscriptions by the truckload, I was getting mine.

I tore into the gifts excitedly. The biggest one was a stroller that the staff had pitched in on. And not any stroller, I was informed, but the Cadillac of strollers. I hoped it came with a driver’ s manual.

In addition to that, I got a swing, a bathtub, blankets, an ear thermometer, towels, and several tiny outfits cuter than anything I own. The gift that astounded me the most was a T-shirt with little cars and buses on it. It was so tiny. I kept holding it up, marveling that a human was going to fit in it.

Later, over cake, the questions came in a barrage. What was I naming the baby? (Um& I haven’ t decided.) Was I taking time off? (Definitely some, but how long I wasn’ t sure.) Was I going to be in the delivery room? (Probably.) Was I nervous about it? (Yes.) Would I be breast-feeding? (That was from Martucci. I didn’ t bother to reply.)

At one point, Mary Jo from the vanpool department said, ‘ This baby is being born in August, right?’

‘ Uh-huh.’

‘ This August?’

‘ Of course this August. Why would you ask that?’

‘ It’ s only that it’ s so soon, and you don’ t seem very prepared.’

‘ I’ m prepared,’ I said defensively, knowing full well she was right. I hadn’ t even given an inkling of thought to a name. Something was definitely wrong about that, but I pushed the worry away.

Eventually, people started wandering back to their offices. Susan had to rush off to a meeting. I was packing up the gifts when Phyllis showed up, apologizing that a meeting with Bigwood had gone longer than expected.

‘ This is for you.’ She thrust a wrapped box at me. ‘ I got the same thing for my grandbaby.’

I didn’ t miss the message behind her words. ‘ Your daughter got the letter,’ I said softly. ‘ You’ ve made up.’

‘ Well, we’ re not exactly sitting around holding hands and singing ‘ Kumbaya,’ but’ -her face shone as she talked-’ we’ ve been talking. Met the husband. And their kids are cute as hell. They got this wild curly hair-I don’ t know where it came from. Danny is three, and Jennifer just turned a year.’

‘ Those are pretty common names from a girl named Sunshine.’

‘ Sally,’ she corrected me. ‘ She goes by Sally now. But get this: Her husband rides a motorcycle-how’ s that for a kick in the pants? A little Honda piece of crap, but still. There’ s hope for that girl yet if she picked a husband who rides.’ Phyllis gestured to the gift. ‘ Anyway, open it.’

As I tore into the wrapping paper, Phyllis asked how the list was going.

‘ I’ m almost done. Two tasks left to go,’ I said, holding up a tiny Harley-Davidson leather jacket. ‘ Oh, Phyllis, this is so cute! Thank you.’

She nodded and then said, ‘ Which ones do you have left to do?’

‘ Find a guy named Buddy Fitch and make him pay-that’ s a tough one. I’ m stumped. I’ m spending every night on the Internet searching. The other is that I have to change someone’ s life.’

‘ That letter you wrote changed my life,’ Phyllis said. ‘ So go ahead and mark that one done.’

Shaking my head, I said, ‘ Thanks, but not a chance. I only threw words on paper. Getting back with your daughter& you did that on your own. Anyway, I’ m bringing the final adoption papers over to Deedee and her family this Saturday. I figure as soon as we sign them, it’ ll be official. Then I’ ll feel as if I can say I’ ve changed a life.’

My heart skittered as I said all that out loud.

Phyllis must have noticed because she said, ‘ There’ s nothing to be nervous about. You’ ll do a fine job.’

I sure hoped so. Little Whatever-her-name-was-going-to-be deserved the best mom possible.

DEEDEE PALED as she watched the woman writhe nude on the screen in front of us. Maybe this childbirth class was a mistake. The adoption lawyer had recommended it because it was especially for girls giving up their babies. I promised to take Deedee every Wednesday night until she went into labor. Unfortunately, seeing what she was in for in just over a month’ s time, Deedee looked more frightened than I’ ll bet I had when I’ d seen The Birds.

I did my best to comfort her. ‘ The sort of woman who’ d let her birth be filmed for the world to see is going to be the type to scream a lot,’ I whispered. ‘ And I know for a fact that you don’ t have to be completely naked.’

A girl whose name tag identified her as Janai leaned over. ‘ Yeah, and I got two words for that lady: bikini wax. I thought her bush was the kid’ s head coming out.’

Another piped up, ‘ Why is she doing it without no painkillers?’

‘ I say pass the Demerol and wake me when it’ s over,’ Janai added. ‘ And I’ m getting me a Brazilian wax before I go in. If a whole bunch of people are going to be staring at my snatch, I might as well make it pretty.’

‘ Especially if it’ ll help take the focus off my ass,’ a girl agreed woefully. ‘ I know guys like junk in the trunk, but I’ ve got a fucking dump truck going back there.’

‘ I hear that,’ someone seconded.

I could tell that Deedee wanted to participate in the exchange, but she was way out of her league. Although the other girls were teenagers, they all seemed to have more mileage on them. Still, for all their swagger-and they’ d spent the first part of the session swapping stories about deadbeat boyfriends so bad that they made Troy Jones seem like Father of the Year-there was no missing that they were scared.

The birth movie ended, and the instructor opened the floor for questions. Janai raised her hand. I expected her to ask about painkillers, which was what I would have wanted to know in her shoes. But she said, ‘ What if there’ s something wrong with the baby and they don’ t want it?’

The instructor-and there was a woman with a tough job-then facilitated a discussion about a birth mother’ s rights vs. adoptive parents’ rights. That segued into how to find a good lawyer and how drug use during pregnancy affects the baby’ s health. I whispered to Deedee, ‘ Guess you’ d better cut down on the crack cocaine, huh?’ but she either didn’ t hear me or pretended not to.

On the drive home, Deedee was as quiet as she’ d been during our first few get-togethers. I didn’ t push it. I had plenty on my mind myself.