Jill Smolinski - The Next Thing on My List

There’ d been a moment in the film when a girl handed her baby over to an adoptive mother. The pure joy on the woman’ s face as she accepted the child should have been thrilling, but it sent a shot of panic pulsing through me. I’ ll bet anything she had remembered the due date. That she had a name picked out. That she knew the difference between a washcloth and a burp towel. Heck, she’ d probably read What to Expect cover to cover a dozen times.

Was there something wrong with me?

I had told Susan I wasn’ t having second thoughts, but what about the fact that I wasn’ t having any thoughts at all?

I’ d been counting on getting more excited as the baby’ s due date neared. Instead, fears that I might be making a huge mistake had been creeping into my consciousness. It was getting harder and harder to squelch them, but I had to. There was a little girl about to be brought into the world who needed me. I couldn’ t let her down.

When I pulled up to drop Deedee off, there was an unfamiliar car in her driveway. ‘ Looks like you have company.’

She groaned. ‘ My mom’ s fiancé.’

I was stunned. ‘ I didn’ t know your mom was getting married. You never even mentioned that she had a boyfriend.’

‘ He’ s the manager at the restaurant where she works. They’ ve been going out awhile now.’

‘ Do you like him?’

‘ They French-kiss in the living room,’ she said by way of reply, making a gagging noise.

‘ How soon are they getting married?’

She shrugged. ‘ My mom wants to do it before her thirtieth birthday for some reason. That’ s in December.’

My jaw dropped and nearly hit the steering wheel. ‘ Your mom is only twenty-nine?’

‘ Why?’ She snickered. ‘ How old did you think she was?’

‘ I don’ t know. Older than me, I guess. She’ s about to be a grandma!’

‘ No, she’ s not,’ Deedee said quietly, and she pushed on the door handle to let herself out of the car.

What could I say? She was right. My mom was about to be a grandma. As I watched Deedee walk up the steps to her house, I thought about that film again.

The whole time, my eyes had been on the arms holding the baby. It occurred to me for the first time that Deedee’ s had been most likely on the arms handing the baby away.

IT WAS TEN O’ CLOCK by the time I got home. I changed into an oversize T-shirt and my cotton robe, then hit ‘ play’ on my answering machine while I set up the coffeemaker for the morning.

There were three messages. The first was from my mom, saying that she wanted to have a baby shower for me and would a week from Saturday work?

Then it was my brother, Bob. ‘ June, are you home? Pick up if you’ re home& . No, huh? Okay, well, I’ ll try to catch you later.’ It was the first I’ d heard from him or Charlotte since the scene at my parents’ party. Bob almost never called. In fact, make that never. Even on my birthday it was Charlotte who made the call for both of them.

As soon as I heard the start of the next message, my insides flip-flopped. ‘ Hi, June, this is Troy. I’ ve been trying to call, but you’ re not an easy woman to get on the phone. I hate to leave this in a message, but here goes. I know we talked about my coming to your meeting Friday to-’

A knock on my door distracted me. Who would be here this late? I stopped the message-I didn’ t need to hear Troy rejecting me again. He’ d made it abundantly clear how he felt, and frankly, the knife twisting in my gut wasn’ t that much fun the first time around.

I hollered, ‘ Who is it?’

‘ It’ s Bob.’

My brother? Here?

I threw open the door. Bob stood there, a dimpled grin on his face, holding a duffel bag. ‘ I tried calling, but-’

‘ Come on in,’ I said, stepping aside to give him room to pass. ‘ Is Charlotte with you?’

‘ No.’ He glanced around my apartment. ‘ Nice place.’

I offered him a beer, poured myself a diet soda, and made small talk while he settled on my couch and I took a chair.

‘ So, what brings you to my neck of the woods?’ I finally asked.

‘ I’ m wondering if I can bum a spot on your couch for a few days. I’ d stay with Mom and Dad, but& ‘ He shrugged instead of finishing.

‘ Sure. You can stay here as long as you need to. I’ ve got the spare room.’

‘ The baby’ s room.’

‘ Right now it’ s the storage room, so good luck fighting your way to the bed. But yeah, I plan to decorate after this weekend. What’ s going on-you up here for work?’ His company had a Los Angeles office not far from where I worked downtown. We’ d talked about how we’ d do lunch when he was up here, but we’ d never actually gotten around to it.

‘ Yes. No.’ He slumped back on the couch. ‘ What I mean is that I can work out of the L.A. office, but that’ s not why I’ m here. Charlotte and I& we need a break.’

‘ You’ re not splitting, are you?’ That would be impossible. I knew how he adored her.

To my relief he said, ‘ Not even close. But I can’ t listen to her carrying on about this adoption thing anymore. I need breathing room.’

Now it was my turn to slump. ‘ This is my fault.’

Instead of assuring me that wasn’ t the case, Bob chuckled in agreement. ‘ Finding out you were adopting a baby did send her off the deep end. We haven’ t talked about anything else for the past week and a half. She wakes me up to carry on about it. I’ m desperate for sleep.’

Part of me felt bad for him, but I also thought he’ d brought this on himself by being so stubborn. I was probably overstepping my bounds, but I said, ‘ Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?’

‘ It doesn’ t have anything to do with my sperm count, does it?’

‘ No, but I’ m curious: Why are you so opposed to adoption? I mean, just because a baby doesn’ t have your genes doesn’ t mean you couldn’ t love it.’

Bob looked sucker punched. ‘ You don’ t think I know that? June, I’ m not the one who’ s against adoption. Charlotte is. I’ d give my left nut for a kid. Any kid.’

‘ Charlotte?’

‘ She’ s got it in her head that having a baby of our own is the only way to go,’ Bob explained. ‘ And I understand where she’ s coming from. She didn’ t even know her own dad-she wants to guarantee that I feel bonded. But I don’ t give a crap at this point. Between her medical problems and mine, we’ ve had a dozen doctors tell us our chances to conceive are slim to none. Most use the term miracle when they’ re talking odds. I’ m sick of the hormones and the thermometers. Hell, I’ m getting sick of having sex.’

‘ I find that hard to believe.’

He smiled. ‘ Okay, maybe I’ m sick of sex on a schedule. Anyway, as soon as Charlotte heard you were going to become a mother, she freaked. She’ s on my ass about another round of in vitro, more tests& and I’ m done. She doesn’ t want to hear it, but she needs to. I’ m fucking done.’

‘ Well, for the record, I hope you work it out,’ I said. ‘ You’ d be an awesome dad.’

‘ Thanks.’ He swigged down the last of his beer. ‘ And I enjoyed your letter, by the way. I always knew you worshipped your big bro.’

As I helped him make up the bed in the spare room, I saw his gaze fall on the baby gifts from the shower, which I had stacked in there. ‘ Sorry about all this junk,’ I said, wishing I’ d had him sleep on the couch, where at least he wouldn’ t be surrounded by what he deserved but for some freak reason I was getting instead.

Chapter 23

I shook my brother awake at three a.m.

‘ What the& ?’ he grumbled. I clicked on the overhead light, and he shielded his eyes in protest.

‘ You should adopt the baby,’ I said excitedly. Everything in me felt buzzy. I hadn’ t slept at all.