Jill Smolinski - The Next Thing on My List

I gave a sigh.

‘ You don’ t exactly have all the time in the world,’ she said ominously.

‘ Do you know something I don’ t know? Because I was planning on sticking around for a while.’

‘ You know what I mean.’

‘ I can see why the idea would appeal to you. And I’ m flattered, I am. But if you haven’ t noticed, I’ m single. Wouldn’ t you rather the baby go to a married couple?’

‘ I don’ t know any married couples. I know you.’

‘ There are agencies where they’ d introduce you to people who-’

‘ That’ s not gonna work. You know that. My mom is never gonna let the baby go to just anybody. And I don’ t want that for her anyway. How do I know how some stranger’ s gonna treat her? That she’ s not gonna get smacked around or put down all the time? Or worse?’

‘ Her?’ I asked. ‘ Did you-’

‘ It’ s a girl.’

‘ Congratulations,’ I said; then I added gently, ‘ Believe me, the idea of adopting the baby is very tempting. But sweetie, your mom’ s never going to go for this.’

‘ Yeah, she is. We already talked about it.’

‘ You did?’

‘ I mean, it was my idea. Even way back when I only thought I might be pregnant. After you and Kip came over, me and my mom talked about it. And then last night, spending that time with your family, I knew for sure.’

I blew out a breath.

‘ I don’ t have much family,’ she said. ‘ Mami’ s is mostly in Mexico. I don’ t even know my dad. And you’ d be an awesome mom. Plus you got that big place with a pool. The baby would have grandparents living close by. And I’ d be, like, her big sister.’

Traffic started to clear-there’ d been backup due to a crash& a smash-up& whatever you want to call it. As I got close to where the accident happened, I slowed to rubberneck. I waited all this time, I might as well get my show. Not much to see. Fender bender; no injuries as far as I could tell. All this to watch two people exchange insurance information.

We picked up speed, and I fiddled with the air vents, trying to get a breeze going. ‘ It doesn’ t bother you that I’ m not married?’

‘ Might be even better. You’ ll give the baby more love that way. You don’ t have anybody else. All you got is each other.’

‘ What if I get married?’

Deedee made a sound like ‘ Heh.’

‘ It could happen!’

‘ Ah, that’ d be okay. You wouldn’ t marry a guy who didn’ t want a baby, too. You know, I think Dickie liked you.’

‘ Dickie?’

‘ He was totally flirting with you.’

‘ You don’ t mean Troy?’

The girl must be brighter than I gave her credit for. ‘ Why, do you like Troy?’ she asked sweetly.

‘ No! I thought you might have the names mixed up. I assumed Troy because you met him before& at the beach.’

She started to singsong, ‘ You really liiiiike him& ‘

‘ Shut up.’

‘ You think he’ s seeeeexy& ‘

‘ This car is still going slow enough. I can shove you out and probably not even get a ticket for it.’

‘ You want to kiiiiiiss him& ‘

I snipped, ‘ Can we change the subject?’

‘ Fine. You gonna adopt my kid or not?’

Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

‘ I need time to mull it over. This is a lot.’

Deedee nodded, whereas I was utterly shocked by what I’ d just said. I’ d mull it? Surely the answer needed to be a swift and simple no. Yet, as soon as Deedee proposed the idea of me being a mom, all I could think about were those few minutes of waiting for a pregnancy test result. The same mix of yes and no stirred inside me. I wasn’ t yet willing to open my eyes and look at the results-especially since this time it was up to me what answer appeared. Instead, against all logic, I’ d just given Deedee a maybe.

‘ Just don’ t take too long deciding,’ she said. ‘ If you don’ t do it, I gotta start buying baby stuff. And sign myself up for independent study. And those guys said they were going to get me a student internship at the radio station in the fall. I can’ t do it if I got to worry about a kid, so I’ ll need to call them and tell them no.’

Sensing my chance to divert Deedee from the topic of adopting her baby, I said, ‘ Oh, an internship? That’ s great! You must have really impressed them. What sorts of things would you be doing?’

‘ Nothing if I got me a baby to take care of,’ she said dully.

So much for diverting her attention.

After I dropped Deedee off at school, that Mariah Carey song ‘ Hero’ came on the radio. When it got to the part about how I’ ll finally see the truth-that a hero lies in me-I felt a catch in my throat. It wasn’ t a full-on sob. I prefer to save that sort of thing for where people can see me, apparently. This was more a quick bubble of emotion. A hint at the roller coaster to come.

When I finally got to work, Susan was the only one who noticed it wasn’ t me on K-JAM. Everyone else told me, Good job! Way to go! Phyllis popped her head into my cubicle to say, ‘ It’ s a start.’

My mom had left a message. ‘ Why are you going on the radio saying I’ m blind? I understand if you want to give carpooling a heartwarming angle. But couldn’ t you have made your father blind? He doesn’ t have to go to work and face people.’ Then she sighed. ‘ Ah well, maybe I’ ll get one of those handicapped spots now.’

FOR THE NEXT WEEK, the only thing I could think about was adopting Deedee’ s baby.

It wasn’ t as if I didn’ t have other things to occupy my mind. Work was a madhouse. I had to pick up the slack for Lizbeth’ s being gone, even though there was no talk yet of (me) replacing her. Plus, it was near the end of the fiscal year, so those projects I’ d procrastinated on had come back to haunt me.

But my world went on autopilot, and I had one thing on my mind. For the first time, I could relate to that annoying way that women get so consumed about pregnancy and babies. In fact, I now offer my profound and immediate apologies to every woman behind whose back I made gagging motions when our conversation managed to again focus only on baby clothes, bassinettes, and spit-up.

Out of nowhere, I’ d become obsessed with babies. Even when I was running errands one day, my car steered itself to a Babies R Us-or, as I’ ve called it any other time I’ ve had to go there to buy a shower present, Downtown Hell. But this time I meandered the aisles, gushing over the tiny outfits. Mentally picturing how I’ d turn my spare room into a nursery.

That was, I scolded myself, if I adopted the baby.

But that was crazy. Of course it was crazy!

Wasn’ t it?

Suddenly I was noticing babies everywhere. I couldn’ t get enough of them. I found myself cooing at them. Asking their mothers how old they were. Did they sleep through the night? Were they on solids yet? ‘ Mind if I give ‘ em a hold?’

I’ d gone to a park a few days before and had a conversation with a mom with two toddlers. I told her about the baby I was going to adopt as if it were fact and not speculation. And I liked the way it sounded coming out of my mouth. My baby will be here in August. I’ m making all sorts of plans for my baby. Of course, then the woman went and wrecked it all by saying, ‘ Your husband must be thrilled.’ To save face, I had to say, ‘ Yes, my partner is beside herself.’ She piped down pretty quickly after that.

A chance like this would never come along again, that was for sure. It felt as if I’ d won millions of dollars in the lottery and I was studying the ticket, deciding whether or not to cash it in. On the plus side, I’ d be rich. On the down side, I’ d never know if a potential suitor loved me for me or for my money.