Jill Smolinski - The Next Thing on My List

‘ Pardon me, I need to& ‘ I gestured toward outside, as if there were important errands I’ d remembered I needed to handle. I hurried out, and as soon as I was beyond where they could see me, I ran the rest of the way to the side of the building.

Then I threw my back up against the wall, and the waterworks began.

My chest heaved to gasp air. Tears hurled themselves from my eyes as I let loose racking, heaving sob after sob. I knew the noise I was making-I’ d heard it before when I’ d visited San Francisco’ s Pier 39, where dozens of sea lions played on the docks. In my case, it was a bark of awful, confused misery. It was Laura Petrie on The Dick Van Dyke Show when she used to cry in her falsetto, ‘ Oh, Rob!’ It was the girl screaming in a slasher film. It was a Mack truck’ s brakes squealing on the freeway. It was ugly and undignified, and I couldn’ t make myself stop.

I felt hands on my shoulders. Troy scooted me down so I was sitting-flat against the wall, hugging my knees. Then he moved my arms and spread my legs apart. He pushed gently on my back so my head dropped down between my knees. ‘ Breathe,’ he directed. ‘ Take a slow breath in, then let it out.’

‘ I& I& I& caaaaan’ t& huh a huh& ‘

‘ Shhh. Deep breath in.’ And he breathed in deeply and then exhaled to demonstrate. ‘ Come on, do it with me.’

And in between snorting out sobs, I managed to get in a few breaths, then a few more; then after a while I was breathing in synch with Troy and, frankly, feeling foolish there with my head between my knees.

His hand rubbing my back was nice, though. I was also A-okay with the way he sat next to me, his body grazing mine.

As I lifted my head, and before he could get full view of the damage, I used the underside of my shirt to wipe my face. It emerged soaked with mascara, tears, snot, and heaven knew what else.

Troy had stopped rubbing my back and shifted so he could see me better. (And what a view I’ m sure it was!) ‘ Dickie didn’ t mean anything by it. It wasn’ t about you.’

I shrugged my answer.

‘ He doesn’ t know about the accident. And hey, see that? I said ‘ accident.’ Because that’ s what it was.’

At this point, because my eyes were puffy and I’ m sure my nose was red, so basically I had nothing to lose, I said simply, ‘ Why are you so nice to me?’ It was both a question and an accusation.

‘ Why wouldn’ t I be?’

‘ Do I need to state the obvious? Because if I do, then this-’ I made a gesture toward my eyes-’ could start up again.’

‘ Please don’ t do that.’

‘ The fact is, I was driving. You have every right to blame me for’ -and there was no way to say it without saying it-’ your sister’ s death. You should hate me. I find it hard to understand why you don’ t seem to. You’ re either a saint or& well, saint’ s pretty much my only idea.’

‘ Excuse me while I go call the news desk, because that’ s the first time anyone’ s ever called me that.’

‘ I’ m serious.’

‘ I know. All I can tell you is that I get plenty angry about what happened. But not at you. Trust me, if I ever get my hands on the bastard who couldn’ t tie a dresser down to a truck& and then didn’ t stop& ‘ He shook his head. ‘ You don’ t want to be there. As far as I’ m concerned, you didn’ t do anything wrong. You survived, and I wish my sister had, too. That’ s it.’

I nodded, missing the warmth of his hand on my back. As much as I’ d enjoyed the comfort, however, I knew there was something that I needed even more: the truth. I’ d been running from it for a long time, and now it was time to face it. ‘ Troy, I want you to answer a question for me, and I want you to answer it honestly.’

‘ Okay.’

‘ Promise?’

‘ Sure.’ His brows pulled together in curiosity. ‘ I promise.’

‘ When your sister died, was it& right away? Like instantly? Or& ‘ I let my question trail off.

I saw his Adam’ s apple jump. His mouth opened and then shut again. What seemed to be a lifetime passed, and at last he said, ‘ Yeah. They said it was instant.’

He was truly the worst liar I’ d ever seen.

I had my answer. Only it wasn’ t the one I’ d wanted. The weight I’ d hoped to have lifted gave an evil chuckle from its perch on my shoulders.

Troy got himself up from the ground and then extended an arm to help me up.

‘ That was quite a radio interview Deedee did, huh? She’ s a pistol.’ He was obviously trying to change the subject, interject levity into the moment. What the heck, I’ d play along. I clasped his hand and let myself be pulled to my feet.

‘ Yeah, and I can’ t believe you,’ I said, forcing mirth into my voice. ‘ Egging her on like you did.’

‘ Gotta go with the flow. And hey,’ Troy said, giving a playful tug at my pants, ‘ what’ s up with the jeans?’

‘ There’ s nothing wrong with jeans. You’ re wearing them. Remember& radio and all that?’

‘ I’ m disappointed, that’ s all. I was specifically promised pajamas.’

‘ You’ re not missing much,’ I assured him, brushing at my bottom. ‘ My pajamas are no big thrill. Half the time I wind up just wearing underwear to bed.’

As soon as the words escaped my mouth, I winced with embarrassment.

Troy gave a low chuckle. ‘ I was disappointed before. Now I’ m devastated.’

Chapter 15

M y parents didn’ t argue often. But when they did, my brother and I had an uncanny ability to choose these times while their equilibrium was off to ask for things. A later bedtime. Pizza delivery. The combination to the liquor cabinet. It was risky. You could get your head snapped off. Yet there was also the chance that you’ d get a ‘ yes’ that you’ d never, ever get otherwise. We didn’ t even have to hear the fight or know for a fact it had happened-it was as if we could smell the vulnerability. I can’ t even say it was deliberate, at least on my part. It was pure childhood instinct that drove us to pounce when the prey was weakened.

It was the same sort of instinct, I’ ll assume, behind Deedee saying to me now-as I was still reeling from the news that Marissa’ s accident had in fact been the worst-case scenario-’ I’ ve been thinking.’

‘ That explains that smoke coming from your brain,’ I quipped.

I was driving her to school after the ride-along with Troy, and we’ d gotten mired in the rush-hour traffic that had looked so lovely from the sky. It was butt-ugly down here. I was stuck behind a huge truck with a naked woman silhouette on the mud flaps and a ‘ My Kid Can Beat Up Your Honor Student’ bumper sticker. Somebody nearby hadn’ t passed smog inspection because I was choking on fumes. My car had moved about a foot and a half in the past hour.

‘ I’ m pretty sure I got somebody who can adopt the baby.’

‘ Deedee, that’ s wonderful!’ I exclaimed, and the words kept gushing out. ‘ I can’ t believe you didn’ t tell me before this! Is your mom okay with it? Oh my gosh, I’ m so excited for you! Who is it? Did you find relatives?’

‘ Sort of related,’ she said.

‘ Yeah?’

‘ A sister.’

I looked over at her in utter confusion. ‘ A sister? You never told me you had a sister.’

‘ A big sister.’

‘ Wha-? Huh-? You have a big sister? How is that-?’ And then it struck me.

Ho no. Was she out of her mind?

‘ Tell me you’ re not referring to me.’

‘ Why not?!’ she challenged. ‘ It’ d be perfect! You could be the mom-and we’ d all hang out together and do stuff.’

‘ But Deedee-’

‘ You want a baby. You said so yourself.’

‘ I meant more someday.’

‘ I’ m not due till August.’