Jeff Strand - A Bad Day for Voodoo

“I screamed and climbed over the fence. Then I told him that since his junkyard was connected by a secret passageway to a chop shop, he probably didn’t want me to have to call the police.” “Good thinking.”

“It didn’t work. But I told him that there were a bunch of shot-up, dead criminals in the chop shop and somebody might think he was involved. That worked.”

“Then you carried me over the fence?”

“Do you think I carried you over the fence?”

“I guess not.”

“He opened the gate and let us out.”

“That was nice of him.”

“He wasn’t that nice about it.”

I leaned forward. “Hey, Adam, how are you holding up?” “I’m not. Please don’t ask anymore.”

“So where are we headed?”

“While you were off getting mutilated, I was able to make some calls,” Kelley said.

“With my phone,” said the cabdriver, apparently wanting to make sure he got credit for his role in solving our problems, if I were to ever write a book about them.

“The lady at Esmeralda’s House of Jewelry said that she’d be happy to take a look at the doll and that she’d stay open late for us.” “Sweet!”

“I called your mom and assured her again that you weren’t dead.” “Thank you.”

“She sounded mad.”

“I’m sure she is.”

“And that’s without me telling her about the car. You get to do that.”

“Joy.”

I wondered how much trouble I’d be in, if any. If this situation were an algebra equation, variable A would be the dismantling of my mom’s car. Variable B = Disobeying her by not coming home when told to do so. Variable C = Letting too much time pass between reassurances that I wasn’t dead. However, variable D = Gory foot injury, which would gain me sympathy points. Variable E = Relief that I wasn’t dead. Variable F = Carjacking victim. I wasn’t driving where I was supposed to, but the actual theft of the car wasn’t my fault. Variable G = Car was not actually damaged, just taken apart. Maybe there was some blood on the paint, but when she got the car back, it would still be in perfectly decent shape.

Actually, the car might have taken a bullet hit or two. Variable G probably had to be removed from the equation if I wanted to be mathematically accurate.

In terms of getting in trouble, SUM (A + B + C) < SUM (D + E + F), so I’d be fine.

If you really stopped to analyze things and ignored elements like Ribeye still being alive and possibly vengeful, and lots of questions I’d have to answer from the police, and no guarantee that the doll could be stripped of its power, and possible infection that could cause me to lose my entire leg, and terrifying nightmares for the rest of my natural life, and unresolved guilt about the death of Mr. Click, and the possibility that our replacement history teacher could be even meaner.. .things were delightful.

I noticed that the cab’s fare meter was getting close to triple digits. None of us had credit cards, and I didn’t think we had a hundred dollars between us. That didn’t even count a tip. I was pretty sure this guy would want a tip.

“Well,” I said, trying to think of something to say that would lighten the mood, “we’ve sure had an.. .ummm.. .wacky night.” Kelley glared at me. “Wacky?”

“Parts of it were wacky.” I forced a smile.

“Don’t try to lighten the mood.”

“Sorry.”

“Sometimes it’s okay for the mood to be grim.”

“Gotcha.”

A tear trickled down Kelley’s cheek. She wiped it away.

“Do you want to know what happened to my foot?” I asked. “You told me.”

“When?”

“After we walked through the gate.”

“Oh. What did I say?”

“You said the carjackers used the pin on the doll.”

“Yep. My toes flew right off.” I swooped my hand in the air to demonstrate how they’d flown off. I wasn’t doing so well with the advice about it being okay to be grim. I guess I’ve just never been particularly mopey.

“Are you sure they didn’t do it with.. .I don’t know, pliers or something?” It was kind of cute how Kelley was clinging to that last shred of nonbelief in the supernatural.

“No. It was the doll. Do you think you could love somebody with only eight toes?”

She gave me a really funny look, and that’s when I realized that we had never said “I love you.”

Was now the time? Weren’t people supposed to express their true love at stressful moments when one of them was injured? What if the doll got poked again and my head flew off without me ever getting to tell Kelley how I truly felt?

Maybe this wasn’t a good moment. Maybe this was the worst possible moment. Maybe only a rock-stupid, nose-picking, drooling, “Duuuuhhhh!”-taying imbecile could think this was an appropriate moment for matters of romance.

I wished my life came with a musical soundtrack to help me figure out how to behave. Maybe the hit single “Love Theme from A Bad Day for Voodoo” was playing right now. What if with a single kiss the entire world and its problems could disappear, if only for a moment?

Well, okay, the entire world had sort of vanished during my dizzy spells, and it wasn’t such a great feeling. But this would be different.

It’s a bad day (bad day) for voodoo.

Girl, you know I’m right.

A bad day (bad day) for voodoo.

Even though I guess it’s night.

I’ve gotta go for a kiss.

Somethin’ I just can’t miss.

’Cause we could be in bliss.

So girl please don’t diss.

And I hope you don’t hiss.

A bad day (bad day) for voodoo.

A bad daaaaaaayyyyyyyy for

voo-hoo-hoo-hoo-doooo-ee-oo.

I started to lean in for a kiss.

Horror movie music began to play on my soundtrack.

I realized that this was not going to be one of those cinema moments where the hero and heroine suddenly start passionately kissing. I quickly reversed gears before Kelley noticed my bad timing.

“I’m sorry about your foot,” said Adam. “I never meant for anything like that to happen.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. Friends don’t do things like that.”

“Really, don’t worry about it.”

“I’m going to make it up to you,” Adam promised. “I don’t care how long it takes. Maybe...I don’t know, maybe there’s a lab that’s developed a brand-new line of artificial toes, toes that they’re still experimenting with, ones with retractable toenails or something like that, maybe really strong toes where you could hang upside down with just one of them—don’t monkeys have those long toes where they can dangle? I’ll figure out a way to get you on the list. And if you don’t want that, if you want plastic toes that don’t do anything special, I’ll make that happen too. Whatever you want. And you will never do homework again. English homework, math homework, chemistry, economics, home ec, PE.. .I’m doing it all for you. Maybe not PE. I can’t do PE for you. But any work you take home, just pass it on to me.” “You don’t have to do my homework.”

“I do. And I’ll do it right, not the way I do my own homework. And you can have all of my video games. Maybe the ones you already have you can let me keep so I have something to play, but everything else is yours. Tonight. As soon as we get the doll fixed, I’m going to put them all in a box and bring them over. I swear.”

“I don’t think we’re going to have a lot of free time tonight, even after we fix the doll,” I said.

“Well, whenever. Whenever we have some free time. I’m not going to renege on this. Kelley is a witness. And Kelley, you can go into my room and pick three things you want. Any three. I didn’t drag you into this, Tyler did, but I’m so sorry for dragging Tyler into this and making him drag you into it.”