Radclyffe - Love's Melody Lost

Anna searched for her voice. "I dontit doesnt feel that way, and neither do you."

She looked at the woman across from her, imagining her touch, her kiss. She had grown to admire and respect Lauren, and after tonight she knew she liked her. She wondered if she could let Lauren make love to her body, if the physical sensation might even be welcome, if it somehow might dull her memory of Graham even briefly. She longed for some relief from the endless torment, but she knew without a shred of doubt she could never give Lauren her heart. That was no longer hers to own, or to give. She was Grahams, in every fiber of her being, and always would be. She looked at Lauren helplessly, " Its not that -its just-, I cant, Lauren, Im sorry"

Lauren thought she detected tears in her eyes. "Hey," she said softly, "its okay. I didnt mean to upset you."

Anna shook her head, brushing impatiently at the moisture on her cheeks. "You haventthis has been the best night Ive spent in months. And if things were different"

Lauren hurried to state, "I dont want to get in the middle of anything if youre already involved with someone. Ive never heard you mention anyone."

"No," Anna answered, the pain in her voice impossible to hide. "Im not involved with anyone."

"But?" Lauren questioned gently.

Annas gaze was wounded. "But there is someone I love, very muchsomeone who apparently doesnt love me. But that doesnt stop the wantingdoes it?"

Lauren looked at her sympathetically. "No, it doesnt. Perhaps time will help. Ive enjoyed our evening together. And Id like to do it again sometime. I appreciate your honesty, Anna, and if the time comes that you might feel differently about seeing me, Ill consider myself lucky. Til thenfriends?"

Anna smiled tremulously. "I could use a friend. Thank you, Lauren."

Chapter Eighteen

As time passed Lauren proved true to her word. On the average of once a week, she invited Anna to the theatre or out for dinner. The only place Anna refused to accompany her was to the symphony. Anna hadnt been able to listen to any kind of music that reminded her of Graham, and the thought of a concert hall brought twisting pain to her depths. In her mind, the concert stage would always belong to Graham; her memory held so many images of her there. Seeing Annas response the first time she asked her, Lauren never asked her again.

Anna enjoyed their time together, coming to value their relationship immensely. She would not speak of her past, and Lauren did not press her. When they parted, Lauren kissed her lightly on the cheek. It didnt escape Annas notice that occasionally Lauren would look at her with a question in her eyes, but Anna never felt pressured to move their relationship onto a more intimate level. Anna hoped that their friendship was as rewarding to Lauren as it had come to be to her.

Early one morning the phone on her desk rang. It was Lauren.

"Can I see you in my office for a minute?"

"Ill be right there," Anna replied, rolling up the plan she had been working on.

When Anna entered, Lauren motioned for Anna to join her at the large drafting table situated before the enormous windows overlooking the Boston Commons. She indicated a layout pinned to the board. She was clearly excited.

"The Randolph renovations have progressed exceptionally well. The article featuring our work in the Times last weekend has really fostered interest in estate reclamation. This area is ripe for it. I think its time to push the promotional we discussed when you first interviewed. Id like to use your work at Yardley as the centerpiece. Its one of the oldest estates on the Cape and will be easily recognized by prospective clients. Since Yardley is so well known to you, and the concept of marketing estate landscape restoration is really yours as well, Id like you to oversee the project. Well need detailed plans, as well as photodocumentation. I want you to put your other projects on hold until this is off the ground."

Anna stood stunned and speechless, while Lauren looked at her expectantly. Of course she should be honored that Lauren would entrust such an important project to her direction, and it was what she had been training to dobut, oh god, not at Yardley! Her composure threatened to give way under a wave of panic.

"I cant," she finally whispered.

Lauren stared at her in astonishment. "What do you mean, you cant? Is it because of your thesis? I thought you had that nearly wrapped up."

"No," Anna forced herself to say calmly. "Ill work on the promotionalanything else you want. Anything. But I cant do the work on Yardley."

"But Anna, I want Yardley as the main work. Thats where I need you!"

Anna passed a trembling hand across her face, trying to gather her wits. Just the mention of Yardley had brought a flood of memories, and such pain she thought she might be ill. God, what would she do if she actually had to see Graham? It was impossible! She couldnt do it!

"Anna, were friends. Tell me what this is all about." Lauren laid her hand gently on Annas arm, her concern genuine. Anna was trembling.

Anna turned to face her, an agony of despair clearly visible. Lauren had never seen such desolation, and her heart surged with compassion.

"Tell me, sweetheart."

"I cant go back to Yardley," Anna said at last, her voice shaking.

"Why not?"

"Graham" Anna began, barely able to say her name. "I cant see her. I cant." She looked at Lauren pleadingly. "Please dont ask me to, Lauren. It would kill me."

Lauren studied her for long moments, the pieces slowly falling into place. She knew that Anna had lived at Yardley but had never given it any thought. Now Annas isolation and depression were more understandable.

"Graham Yardley - the composer," Lauren said softly. "Shes the woman youre in love with, isnt she?"

Anna closed her eyes, trying to stem the tears, failing. "Yes," she choked out, turning from her friend, struggling for control. She felt a tender hand on her shoulder, heard a soft voice murmur her name, and she turned into the arms that waited for her. Lauren held her gently, letting her cry, not trying to tell her it as all right when it so obviously wasnt. At length Anna drew away, fumbling for a tissue, embarrassed.

"Im sorry," she said. "I didnt expect this - if I dont think about her, I seem to be able to manage. You took me by surprise."

Lauren let out a long breath. "Anna, youve always been honest with me and I care about you. I dont want to see you suffer like this any longer, and Ill admit not all of my reasons are selfless ones. I wont pretend that I dont want more from our relationship, but this isnt about that. This is destroying you. You need to give her upyou have the rest of your life, dont allow it to be an empty one. Maybe if you work on the project, it will help you heal."

Anna laughed almost hysterically. "Heal? You cant heal whats already dead, and thats what I am inside, Lauren. Dead. All Im trying to do now is make it from day to day. If I have to see Graham, I wont even be able to do that! Shes not something I can just give up! Shes in every part of me. You cant imagine what being near her is like for me!"

Lauren winced at the truth of Annas words. It wasnt easy to be faced with the extent of Annas passion for another woman, but nevertheless her tone was kind as she offered, "You wont have to see her. She isnt there."

Anna grasped the edge of the table, her head suddenly light. "Oh, dear god, has something happened to her? Is she all right?"

"As far as I know, she is. David Norcross told me that no one had been in residence at Yardley since last fall, but that he would provide us with keys if we needed access." Seeing the look of panic on Annas face, she added gently, "Thats really all I know."

Anna forced down the surge of panic. "I cant make a decision about this now, Lauren. Give me a little timejust a few day, please."