Radclyffe - Love's Melody Lost

"You are more beautiful than any music I have ever heard," she whispered.

**********

The sun rose over Yardleys grand expanses, but the brilliance of the changing dawn colors was lost on the woman who stood high above the sea. The brisk ocean breeze tossed her hair into her eyes, but she did not lift a hand to shield them. The tears on her face were not from the wind, nor the shivering in her body from the piercing cold. In the long years of her exile, she had never been so alone. Her defenses had been breached, her heart wrent by the gentle touch of a womans lips. She remembered with shattering clarity each sensation - the longing, and the wonder, and the miracle of communion, body and soul. She could not drive the memory of the past from her thoughts - the complete desolation of the spirit she had suffered when Christine left her. She feared that ultimately her need would force Anna to leave her, too. She knew with utter certainty that this would be a pain she could not bear a second time in her life. Despite the years, the wounds still bled, and she could not banish the fear. She had not sought this love, in fact she had hidden herself from the very possibility of it all this time. She cried for what she had done, and what she must do. Finally, she returned to the house to await Annas awakening, and to seal her own fate.

Anna knew instinctively as she reached out that she was alone.

"Graham?" she called.

"Im here, Anna," Graham answered from her place by the window. "How do you feel?

Anna rolled over and pushed herself up in bed. She regarded Graham carefully. She had grown too used to the nuances of Grahams posture and tone of voice not to know when she was distressed.

"Im stiff, and sore just about everywhere, but nothing feels serious," she replied cautiously.

"Good," Graham sighed. She gathered herself for the hardest words she would ever say. "Anna, I must talk to you about last night."

Anna closed her eyes, her stomach tightening. Last night she didnt need to thinkall she knew was the joy of Grahams presence. She didnt need to think now to know she had been more deeply moved by Grahams touch than any other event in her life. She didnt need words to capture the ecstasy of loving this woman. Her skin still tingled from the stroke of Grahams hands, her body stirred with desire at the sight of her. She loved her, more passionately than she would have believed possible. Graham Yardley had claimed her, willingly or notheart, body and soul.

"You dont need to say anything, Graham," Anna replied. "Last night, with you, was more beautiful than anything Ive ever experienced. No one has ever touched me -"

Graham interrupted her harshly. She could not bear to hear these words! "Anna, you were hurt, vulnerableyou needed comforting! II was frightenedI forgot myself. It wasnt meant. Im sorry."

"What are you saying? Are you trying to tell me last night was some kind of mistake ?!" Anna asked incredulously. She stared at Graham uncomprehendingly. "You cant mean that! For Gods sake, Graham-"

"We were both frightened, exhausted - I took advantage," Graham stated flatly.

"Graham! I asked you into my bedIve been wanting, needing you, for so long! God Graham! I love you," Anna cried vehemently.

Graham groaned. "AnnaAnna, you must not!" She drew a deep breath, her face set. "Last night should never have happened. I have no desire for it to be repeated. I do not want that kind of relationship with you."

"And you expect me to simply forget it? What we shared- the way it felt to touch you?" Anna questioned grimly, her hurt and bewilderment giving way to anger. "And what am I supposed to do with my feelings for you, Graham? Am I to ignore them the way you seem to be able to? "

Graham gave no sign that Annas words affected her at all. "There can be no question of anything other than a friendship between us. If Ive misled you, I apologize."

Anna wanted to scream; part of her wanted to beg. How could she be alone in this? She had felt love in Grahams touchshe had heard it as Graham whispered her name! She stared at Graham, a cold hand gripping her heart. "Are you sure?" she asked at last.

"Im quite sure." Her face betrayed not a flicker of emotion.

"Then Ill be leaving Yardley as soon as I can make arrangements," Anna replied hollowly, her mind numb with pain.

Graham clenched her hands, steeling herself against the crushing desolation. "Of course, if you think you must."

Anna watched her cross to the door, knowing this might be the last time she saw her. As Grahams hand touched the knob, Anna said coldly, "Damn you for a coward, Graham Yardley! How can you do this!"

Graham faltered for a second before wordlessly closing the door gently behind her.

**********

"At least tell me whats shes done!" Helen cried frantically as she watched Anna pile boxes into the back of her Jeep.

"She hasnt done anything," Anna replied woodenly. "Shes exactly the same as shes always been - I was the one who made the mistake."

"Let me talk to her," Helen pleaded. "Just tell me what happened!"

Anna stifled a laugh that verged on tears. She felt dangerously out of control. Poor Helen, this is almost as hard on her as it is on me! The only one who seems unaffected is Graham.

"Theres nothing you can do, Helen," she responded when she could find her voice.

Helen stopped her hurried motions with a hand on her arm, forcing Anna to look at her. "Anna," she said quietly, "it will kill her if you leave."

"No, Helen," Anna said as she gently removed her hand and stepped up into the Jeep. "It will kill me."

She did not look back as she drove away from all she loved.

Chapter Seventeen

She woke before the alarm after another restless night. She turned toward the window, seeking a hint of the sun through the glass. Even after all this time she still missed the smell of the ocean. She lay quietly, waiting for the ache in her to lessen. It was there each day when she opened her eyes, arising from some deep wound that would not heal. Pain was her constant companion, a raw burning grief that clouded even the most simple pleasures. She had learned to accept itas she accepted that there was a place in her soul which would remain forever empty. That she loved Graham still, would always love her, was the truth and the agony she lived with.

After the first desolate weeks alone again in Boston, she tried to reclaim her life. She immersed herself in her studies and had only to complete her thesis to have her degree. She had no social life and desired none. There was no question of re-entering the world she had known during her marriagea world now foreign to her. Loving Graham had taught her that she could only have loved with such deep passion and paralyzing desire because Graham was a woman. And she knew without doubt that no other woman could ever eclipse Graham in her heart. She had wanted Graham with a ferocity that still stunned her. She need only to recall some fleeting image, and she would be ambushed by desireher need to touch her, to taste her, to lose herself in her was palpable. Anna welcomed these moments, despite the bitter pain of loss, because it was only their presence that convinced her some part of her still lived. Otherwise, she moved through her days numb and scarcely present. The future stretched before her with no hint of joy.

The alarm sounded, a reminder that each day would come, and that she would somehow survive. As she moved about her small studio apartment gathering her things, she tried to dispel the lingering memories of her past. Woven through the tapestry of loss was a hard bitter thread of anger, anger over the life, and the love, she might have had - things too painful to dwell on now.

She still found it hard to believe the direction her life had taken. She now worked for a landscape design firm, a job that a year ago she would have been overjoyed to have. She did enjoy her work, in fact, it was her salvation, but the pleasure was diminished by the emptiness of the rest of her life. She barely remembered how she had gotten through that initial interview.