Radclyffe - Love's Melody Lost

She pulled roots and transplanted the day lilies that were multiplying in great abundance. Although there was silence between them, she was acutely aware of Grahams presence and was soothed by it. When she glanced up at one point, she was struck by the distant expression on Grahams face. She was used to Grahams lapses in attention, although she was more accustomed to their accompanying some painful memory. Today Graham appeared distracted, but not distressed. Her eloquent hands were moving on her outstretched thighs, delicately, but with purpose.

"Where are you?" Anna called quietly, laying her tools aside.

Graham smiled ruefully. "Im trying to capture a refrain -not very successfully, Im afraid. Its been been plaguing me all day."

"Can you hear it?" Anna asked, aware that Graham had never once spoken to her of music. That she did so now, so casually, made Anna realize that Graham was not fully present.

"Almost. Its there, like a fine murmur in my ear, but I cant quite bring it into focus."

"Why dont you hum it?" Anna suggested, taking advantage of Grahams apparently mellow mood. "Maybe that will help."

Graham tilted her head, frowning slightly, "You wont mind the noise?"

Anna laughed. "Of course not! Go ahead!" She smiled, turning back to her work, enjoying the deep, rich timbre of Grahams voice. Gradually she became aware of fragments of an enchanting melody and sat back on her heels to listen. Quietly, she laid her tools aside and watched Graham.

Graham sat with her eyes closed, outlined in sunlight. Anna wasnt quite sure which was more beautiful, the music or its composer. She did know she had never been quite so moved, nor quite so content simply to look at another human being.

Graham quieted, fixing her gaze towards Anna. "Youve stopped working."

"Im listening," Anna confessed in a voice thick with emotion.

Graham leaned forward, her expression intent. "Do you like it?"

Anna went to her instinctively, kneeling by her side. She placed her hand lightly on Grahams thigh. She didnt know how to say what she felthow the melody enchanted her, soothed her like a gentle caress-- how gracefully the notes flowed around her. She wanted to say that Grahams music made her hurt somewhere inside; that she welcomed the hurt because she felt it so deeply she knew she was alive. Listening, she had wanted to cry, and dance, and hold someone she loved. "Its beautifulI felt things, I wanted things, -- things that Ive never known, just from listening to you. Its wonderful."

Graham was silent for a long time. Her gaze drifted beyond Anna, to another place, to another lifetime, when she was whole and her world was filled with music. She had thought then that her world was filled with love, too. She knew now she had been wrong. Annas innocent response to those faltering notes, not even a fragment of what she once wrote in an instant, reminded her painfully of what she was no more.

Her fingertips just brushed Annas hand where it lay on her leg. She looked to where she knew Anna knelt, willing herself to see her. When she couldnt, she lifted a hand to Annas cheek.

"I wondered if you could hear something of what I felt. I think you do. You have been kind in your praise. Thank you."

Anna remained motionless, concentrating on the featherlight stroke of Grahams hand. Despite its gentleness, it affected her deeply. The sorrow in Grahams eyes, as they searched her face unseeing, touched her even more. Was there no way at all to ease her endless torment? She didnt realize her hands had moved to Grahams waist, or that she leaned into Grahams embrace as she struggled for some words to convey the emotions that threatened to choke her. Graham felt the heat of Annas body close against her own.

Graham sat back abruptly, letting her hand fall away, breaking their connection.

"I think Ill go in now. You must have things to doand I have other matters to attend to."

Anna stifled a protest; she was embarrassed by how much she wanted her to stay. Graham had already begun to make her way back toward the house by the time Anna collected herself. Anna looked after her, confused, and hurt. Had her pitifully inadequate attempts to describe her feelings about Grahams music offended her?

Whatever the cause of Grahams withdrawal, Anna returned to her work feeling lonely, a penetrating loneliness she had never before known.

Chapter Nine

The sun was nearly gone when Graham rounded the corner from the rose garden. She halted abruptly when she heard the kitchen door slam with a bang. Annas angry voice carried to her clearly.

"Mr. Reynolds," Anna shouted, her voice cold with fury, "do you mind telling me what this is?"

He looked at the canister she held out to him, not particularly disturbed by her anger. He was thinking once again what a good-looking woman she was, especially in those cotton shorts that showed off her nice tight thighs. "Its a solventyou spray it on"

Anna interrupted him in a deadly tone. "What was it doing on the kitchen counter?"

"Guess I left it there when I used the phone." He stared at her, confused. She did seem to be a little irritated. "You did say I could use the phone." He gave her his best grin, the one that always worked with his wife.

"Yes, I did," she said with steely calm. "And I expressly told you that you were to leave no tools lying around, and that you were absolutely not to bring anything into the house." She caught her breath, trying to control her temper. " Is it caustic?"

"Well, youd get a nasty burn if you sprayed yourself. But, its clearly markedanyone can see"

"No, Mr. Reynolds not anyone ," Anna exploded. "Youre fired. Send me a bill for what youve done so far." She turned and slammed back into the houseshe was shaking.

She heard the door open and whirled to confront him. This was not open to discussion. But it was Graham instead who stood inside the door, her face grave.

"That isnt necessary, Anna," she said quietly.

Anna was too distraught for caution. She was still upset over Grahams fall that morning; she had been upset ever since Graham deserted her so precipitously; and she was sick over finding an open canister of toxic fluid in the kitchen where Graham insisted on preparing her own lunch. "Yes, it is necessary! That was dangerous!"

"I am quite capable"

"Yes, you are!" Anna interrupted, her voice rising. "You are amazingly capable. I am well aware that there isnt much that you cant do. But, damn it, Graham, you cant see! And theres no point in putting danger in your path. Youre so stubborn and --I would hate it so if anything happened to you!" Her voice broke, but she just couldnt help it. She seemed to be on an emotional rollercoaster lately. She was moody, and she never had been before. She woke up in the morning feeling in charge of the world, only to find herself depressed and listless by the afternoon. She hadnt felt this out of sorts in the middle of divorcing her husband! If something happened to Graham! To her horror she felt tears threatening.

From across the room, Graham felt her distress. "Anna," she soothed, reaching out to her, finding her shoulders. "Look at me."

Graham gently cupped Annas face with her hands, her expression intent. Drawing a tremulous breath, Anna searched Grahams face.

"I am carefulI have learned to be. Fire him because he didnt follow your ordersfair enough. But dont let my blindness burden you with unnecessary fears. It is enough that I am a prisonerat least, in some ways, I deserve it."

"No! You could neveroh, Graham, no!"

Graham stilled her with the fleeting touch of one finger to Annas lips. "It doesnt matter nowits done." She softly brushed the hair back from Annas neck, allowing the thick strands to run slowly through her fingers, before dropping her hands. Quietly, she said, "There are things about me you do not know, Anna - things that some might say warrant my fate. There may be truth in that; Ive stopped asking. Whatever the case, I cant have you become a victim of my past. You must live your life and not worry about mine. Promise me?"