Radclyffe - Love's Melody Lost

"Do you want champagne?" Anna asked.

Graham laughed faintly. "Isnt it morning?"

"Yes, but for you, its well past time for bed. Youve been at this three days Graham - you cant keep this up." Anna said reasonably, trying to hide her own deep fear.

"I cant stop now, Anna. Not yet," Graham said frantically. "Ive been trying so hard to seize the musicI think I have it, and then its gone." She dropped her head into both hands. "Perhaps I just cant do it anymore. Perhaps I am the fool."

Anna couldnt bear to hear the defeat in her voice. She had already lost so much!

"Graham, youre tired, youre driving yourself. Have something to eat. Rest a while. It will come."

Graham shook her head. "I cant. If I sleep now, I may lose it all." She was riding the thin edge of control, besieged with uncertainty, exhausted, and nearly broken.

Anna couldnt stand by and watch her suffer any longer. "Graham," she said softly, sliding on to the broad arm of the chair, encircling Grahams shoulder with one protective arm. "You cant lose it. Its part of youthe music is you. I know that much from hearing you play."

She slipped a hand into Grahams thick hair, massaging the cramped muscles in her neck. Graham groaned, leaning her head back into Annas hands.

"Thats not fair, but it feels so good," she murmured.

"Close your eyes," Anna whispered, a catch in her throat.

"Just for a second," Graham relented. She was so very tired!

Anna kept Graham in her arms long after she finally gave in to sleep. Gently, Anna pushed the damp hair back from her forehead, wincing at the dark shadows under her eyes. Her skin seemed even paler, if possible. Anna felt a fierce desire to safeguard this delicate spirit. She continued to stroke her hair softly as she slept. She drifted, peaceful for the first time in days, with Graham secure in her arms.

When Graham stirred some time later, she became aware of Annas body pressed to hers. Grahams cheek rested against Annas shoulder, and one arm encircled Annas firm waist. The heat from Annas body surprised her. She hadnt known the closeness of another human being, nor wanted it, for more years than she could remember. Annas nearness stirred memories, in her body and her mind, that she would rather leave buried. She knew she must move away; she was beginning to respond in ways she could not control. Some awakening need, however, cried out for Annas touch.

"Are you awake?" Anna queried softly, absently sliding her hand down Grahams neck to rest her fingers lightly against the soft skin left bare by the open collar of Grahams shirt. She attributed the fine shiver that coursed through Grahams frame to her lingering fatigue. "Graham?"

"Mmm," Graham murmured, struggling to hide her erratic breathing. All of her consciousness seemed to be focused on the spot where Annas hand lay. "My headache is gone, and the music is still there." She didnt add that Annas nearness was making it difficult to concentrate on the distant melody. For some reason it didnt seem quite as urgent right now. She even began to dare hope that the notes would not desert her.

"Ah," Anna smiled. "Some breakfast then, and that champagne."

"I want to work," Graham protested, struggling to rise.

Anna stilled her with a gentle hand on her shoulder.

" After breakfast!"

Graham shifted in the wide chair so that she was facing Anna, her expression revealing her frustration. Anna longed to smooth the wrinkles from her brow, but now that Graham was awake she was hesitant to touch her. Instead, she regarded her silently, surprised by the emotions just the sight of her stirred.

"What is it?" Graham asked at length, aware of the scrutiny.

"You have the most beautiful eyes," Anna whispered.

Graham blushed faintly. "The scar," she began hesitantly, "is it very bad?"

Anna traced the scar with her finger, at last giving in to her urge to stroke the lovely face. "No. I hardly think of itexcept that it reminds me of how much youve been hurt. Then all I want is to undo those hurts. I would give anything to change what happened to you," she finished softly.

"Why?"

"I dont know, Graham," she answered, moved to honesty by the quiet intimacy they shared. "I only know that when I look at you, I want to know youwho you are, what you feel, what makes you happyand I know that more than anything else, I dont want you to hurt." She laughed rather shakily. "I dont quite understand it, but I can tell you I feel it."

Annas passionate admission moved Graham profoundly. She could not doubt her sincerity; she could hear the tears in her voice. Suddenly she was awash with conflicting needs. She could no longer ignore her intense response to Annas touch; her legs were shaking and the blood pounded insistently through her pelvis. This was desire, and that very fact was frightening. Graham drew away slightly, her face once again expressionless.

"You are a very kind woman," she said softly.

Anna stared at her in confusion. Kindness? Whatever she felt for this woman, it was much more than kindness! She sensed Grahams withdrawal, just as she had that day in the garden. To be so close to her, and in the next moment to have that connection wrenched away, left her with an aching hollowness that was hard to endure.

"If I eat now, will you let me get back to work?" Graham asked, moving away.

"Of course," Anna answered bleakly.

Chapter Ten

Helen approached the study with some trepidation the next morning. Anna had been subdued the entire previous day after speaking with Graham. Her only comment had been, "She slept a bit and she said she would eat. If she doesnt, call me." Anna had taken herself off to the gardens then and worked ferociously all day. When she finally appeared in the kitchen well after dark, she sank into the chair, eyes already half-closed. Helen had to assure her that Grahams breakfast tray had come back empty before she could get her to eat anything herself. When Anna dragged herself off to bed, Helen thought sure she saw tears on her cheeks. Helen was beginning to despair that both of them would make themselves sick. Well, something surely has to be done ! she thought to herself as she wrapped soundly on Grahams door.

"Come."

Graham was standing at the open French doors, obviously weary, but smiling.

Helen smiled with relief. "How are you, my dear girl?"

"Ive finished, Helen- its only a variation, but Ive finished," she said with a note of wonder. "The first real work Ive done in years!"

"Oh, Im so glad!"

Grahams expression darkened. "Yes, wellI cant be sure its any good. I never gave it any thought before. I never questioned my music, never! God, what arrogance to think I dare to compose anything now!! Music, above all else, must be alive! How can I create anything that lives, while I, I merely exist."

"Oh, but Graham, you are alive!"

"Am I? Ive forgotten what it means to care about anything, Helenabout you, about myself, about-- anyone. The sun doesnt warm me, the salt air no longer stings, the touch of anothers hand" Her voice faltered and she turned away. "My body has become my prison, as surely as my blindness is my jailer! How can these hands make music, when I am captive in this solitude!"

Helen responded instinctively to Grahams distress, sensing rather than knowing what tormented her. Graham never complained of loneliness before there was someone to remind her of anothers companionship. "Its Anna, isnt it? Something has happened."

Graham stiffened, her face inscrutable. "No, nothing," she said sharply. "She pities me because she is kind. Thats all."

Helen shook her head. "She is kind, you are right in that. But pity you she does not. She is too strong a woman herself to expect that you would need her pity."