Radclyffe - Love's Melody Lost

Anna nodded, so affected by Grahams words that her head was pounding.

"Ill tryI promise."

Graham seemed satisfied and stepped back. "Thank you."

"Graham!" Anna called as Graham turned away, loathe for her to leave, "Do you want to finish the accounts tonight?"

Graham shook her head. "No -Ill send for you when Im ready."

Anna was oddly disappointed, and suddenly the evening ahead of her loomed long and empty. She waited all that interminably long day and the ones that followed for some word from Graham. None ever came.

**********

By the time Helen entered the kitchen shortly after five am, Anna had made coffee, put bread in the oven, and was pacing restlessly in front of the window. She had barely slept and her nerves were completely frayed.

"What are you doing up so early?" Helen asked in surprise.

Turning abruptly, Anna asked urgently, "Helen, where is Graham? I havent seen her in three days. I looked for her at the sea wall this morning and yesterday. She hasnt been there, or out to the gardens, and she hasnt sent for me! What is going on?"

Momentarily dismayed by Annas distress, Helen quickly composed herself. She had been shielding Graham Yardley for a great many years. "Why, shes in the music room."

"The music room," Anna repeated stonily, trying to contain her temper. "I have never known her not to open the terrace doors when shes in there. Why now - whats happening?"

"Shes perfectly all right," Helen insisted, although her face betrayed her uncertainty.

"Is that why you brought back the dinner trays untouched for the last two nights? Because shes all right ? Damn it, Helen! Tell me!"

Helen sagged slightly, abandoning her facade of disconcern. She sat heavily at the table, motioning for Anna to join her.

"She is in the music room, and shes workingshes composingsomething she hasnt done since the accident. Im not sure its going well. Its been so long! I bring her the trays, but she sends them away untouched; she sends me away. I know she hasnt slept. It is starting to frighten me."

Anna looked at her disbelievingly. "Ive been up to the terrace behind her study. Shes not playing- the room is dark -" Anna sighed. "Of course it would be, wouldnt it. She doesnt need the light. Its sound proof, too, isnt it?"

"Yes, as long as the doors are closed." Helen affirmed. "I dont know if you can understand what this means, Anna. Im not sure I do any longer. Graham hasnt attempted a new work since her injury. Oh, shes written fragments - those sad melodies she plays. But nothing of any complexity, and nothing thats ever affected her like this. I used to pray that she would work again, but now Im not sure its a good thing. If she cant - Im not sure how much disappointment one soul can bear!"

"Give me the breakfast tray," Anna said quietly.

"Oh, no, Graham wouldnt like that!" Helen protested.

"Helen, I dont give a damn if Graham likes it or not! Are you going to stand by for the rest of your life and watch her die a little bit more each day!?"

Helen couldnt hide her shock, and the harsh words shook her to her core. She stared at Anna, stricken.

"Oh my God, Helen," Anna cried. "I am so sorry!" She passed a trembling hand across her face, drawing a shaky breath. "I cant begin to apologize! I dont know what Im saying! Ive been worried sick about her, and I just - Please, can you forgive me?"

"Its all right, my dear. I can see that youre upset for her." She turned to prepare the tray. "Maybe if I hadnt given in to her so easily all these years -" she said uncertainly.

"No, Helen," Anna said compassionately, agonizing over the words she had uttered in anger. "Graham is a formidable woman, and I doubt that you or anyone else could have changed her. My god, if you hadnt been here for her all this time, who knows how she would have survived."

Helen remained silent, thinking that Anna had done more to change Grahams life in three months than all of her own attention over the years. She knew Anna had spoken from a place of caring, and she was grateful at last for someone who wasnt willing to let Graham simply slip away. Everyone else who had supposedly loved her had either been too devastated by her tragedy or too weak to stand between Graham and her pain. Why Anna was willing to, she didnt know. For now she was just thankful that she did.

"Take this then," Helen said, offering the breakfast tray. "But be prepared. You havent yet seen Graham when shes battling her demons. Her temper terrified most people."

**********

Graham stood, shoulders slumped, before the fireplace, her arms folded along the mantle, her forehead resting against them. She stared down into the cold ashes. The back of her linen shirt was rumpled and sweat-stained. From across the room, Anna could see her trembling. Graham waved a hand distractedly, "Just leave it, Helen."

"Not until you eat," Anna said as she placed the tray next to the untouched dinner left from the night before.

Graham turned in surprise. "Anna?"

"Yes," Anna replied, struggling for calm. Grahams face was creased with fatigue, she was unsteady on her feet, and she looked like she had lost five pounds when what she needed was to gain twenty. Her physical fragility was shocking. Anna had grown accustomed to the force and power of Grahams presence, and to be confronted so vividly with Grahams vulnerability frightened Anna more than she could have imagined. My god, this is killing her! The thought was so terrifying Anna clenched her fists to keep from crying out.

"Leave itplease," Graham repeated softly. She forced a smile, trying to hide her weariness. "Then go."

Anna took a breath, "I want you to eat first."

Graham frowned, her body rigid with tension. "I will. Later."

"No. Now," Anna repeated, knowing she was on dangerous ground. She knew that no one dictated to Graham Yardley, and certainly not when she was in the midst of a creative fury. She steeled herself for the storm that finally arrived. Graham straightened to her full imposing height, her dark eyes flashing fire.

"I dont have time to argue with you, Anna, nor should I have to. I am still master of this house and, if I am correct, you work for me. Dont interfere in something you know nothing about!"

"I know you cant work like this -"

"You presume to speak of my work?!" Graham shouted, slamming the piano lid down in frustration. "What do you know of my work! Could you even begin to recognize a great piece of music, let alone understand what it takes to create one?! Do you have any idea who I --" Graham stopped abruptly, realizing what she was about to say. Do you have any idea who I am ? Who was she now?

Anna would have preferred the anger to the agonizing uncertainty that she glimpsed as Graham turned from her. Helen had voiced what Graham obviously feared. What if she cant?

"Of course I dont know what it takes! I cant even begin to fathom what it demands of you to create what you have. I do know who you are, Graham, and I know you can do this. But youve got to stop driving yourself this way! Its only making it harder!"

Graham bowed her head, both arms braced on the wide expanse of the silent grand piano. "Please leave me, Anna," she said quietly, her despondency apparent.

"I cant," Anna said desperately. "Not like this."

Graham ran a hand through her disheveled hair. "I didnt know you were so stubborn."

"Theres a lot you dont know about me," Anna said as she moved quickly to Grahams side, grasping her hand. "Come, sit down."

Graham allowed herself to be led to the chair. She was truly too tired to protest. She was ready to admit defeat, she should have known better than to try - but the music was still there, so close to her grasp! She leaned her head back with a groan.